I Heart En WHY???

I love going back to the east coast during the holidays, even if there's never any snow on Christmas. There are certain things about the people in Philadelphia that shake the Utah dredgery right off me, and here's why.

A la David Letterman (even though I'm a Leno fan), the top ten reasons I love leaving Utah and heading to Philly:

10. Slathering your face with moisturizer eleven times a day gets old. It's nice to go back to the humidity.

9. Nothing clears your sinuses like the smell of urine on the subway and watching another human being taking a dump in the corner.

8. I got goosebumps laughing, crying, yelling, and standing up and applauding at the end of Rocky Balboa along with the rest of the packed theater. Also the look on my step-mom's face when Rocky takes off his shirt was priceless. Her comment: "Oh wow."

7. Being reminded that you don't have to be 5'1", blonde, and 100 pounds to be considered attractive. It's refreshing to see that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes when you step outside Utah.

6. Running up the steps of the art museum (the Rocky steps) at 2:00 a.m. with a crowd of overweight, sweaty, drunk Flyers fans.

5. Gorging myself on greasy, runny, soggy mushroom cheesesteaks from Pat's. Cheesesteaks so greasy, runny, and soggy that the cheese dripped out onto my shoe. And yes I used my finger to lick it off.

4. Listening to the crack heads yelling their prophetic insights on the street corner. My step-mom's comment: "What's a crack head?"

3. My parents, who try so hard to be cool. Dad's comment: "I want to go see that movie about the CIA, the one with Ben Affleck?" Or, "Let's go see that new Ben Miller movie!". Or my step-mom, who refers to DVD's as CD's; and insists on whispering questions to me during movies. Her comments during Dream Girls: "Who's the actress that plays the lead girl? What's her name? Bee-yond-say? What kind of a name is that? Is she an actress? Is she famous? Why does she bob her head so much? She's a good singer! She should be a singer instead of an actress..."

2. Being back in the land where people talk normal - ahrange, farhead, farest, wooder, harrible, yeeah, salat, etc. Also being around the people who never left, and who still think its fashionable to wear a pony tail on the northern-most point of your head, and have florescent pink acryllic nails.















1. My dog Sampson, who after all these years, still lays down and plays dead when I point a fake gun at him and say "Bang bang!". It also helps to have cauliflower in my hand at the time.

In other news, as much as I loved going home, it's never been so much trouble to get from Salt Lake to Philly. My original flights through Denver were cancelled thanks to Huge Storm '06, and so I paid triple the price to rebook through Delta at the last minute.

Getting to Philly wasn't the problem, unless you consider being stuck in the middle seat for 4.5 hours while trying to keep your love handles from oozing over the arm rests a problem. It's the getting back to Salt Lake that made me want to gorge my eyeballs out with a dixie cup wooden spoon.

Now, until this point, I've never had a problem with Delta. But right now, the best thing about Delta is Erin's mom. My return flight was to take me through JFK and then on to Salt Lake, getting me in around 11 pm on Saturday night. The plane was supposed to leave Philly at 3:00, putting me at JFK by 3:45, and then leaving for SLC at 7.

I thought a three hour window was a safe enough bet, but for some "unknown" reason that neither the flight attendant, pilot, co-pilot, nor gate attendant had any idea about. All they knew was that we sat on the plane for three and a half hours before finally taking off at 6:30.

I understand that things happen beyond the airline's control, but couldn't they at least keep us informed? After the first hour of sitting on the plane, with the German guy next to me growing increasingly more ansy and irritated, no one said so much as "boo" to us to let us know what was going on. When the flight attendant was asked any questions, her response was to roll her eyes and bob her head while snapping, "I don't know!"

After we finally took off, Mr. German next to me, (I knew he was German because he kept flipping me in the face with his scarf and saying "Yah") asked the flight attendant what our estimated time of arrival was. She replied, "Probably 20 minutes." Mr. German explained that he didn't have a watch, so could she tell him what time we would land? She, who was wearing a watch, responded, "Whatever time it is now, add twenty minutes, and that's when we'll land. I can't see my watch right now." Customer service at its finest.

I missed my connection by ten minutes. Delta was kind enough to put me up in the Ramada Inn, and rebooked me on the 7 am flight Sunday morning. They also graciously gave me a $7 food voucher which paid for exactly 1/3 of my dinner at the hotel. I think $24 for a veggie burger is reasonable.

There's nothing quite like standing in line for an hour at the JFK Ramada, listening to the redneck in a tank top behind you rant about Delta's conspiracy theories and how he's going to call Geraldo to crack open the case. He was convinced that there was no real reason for all the delays and cancellations, and that it was a scheme to make money for the Ramada.

But I think my favorite part of the experience was the birds that nest in the JFK Delta terminal. How did I find out there were birds? By finding the bird crap on my luggage.

The only thing that made it all worth it was the hot pilot that I followed through the airport.



I have no shame.

No Bones About It: Rocky Balboa

Author's Note: Seeing as how I spent most of the night and early morning on the phone with airlines, trying desperately to get rebooked for my flight home today, this post will most certainly not do justice to the wonder and amazement that was Rocky Balboa. Sorry.

The most anticipated moment of the year for me finally arrived yesterday, when I got to the theater an hour early to get in line for the perfect seats with Brother Bone. We snuck in food from Subway, and settled into our perfect seats, stupid grins on our faces.

I'm not kidding when I say that I smiled through the entire film. This movie was everything and so much more than I hoped for. I had goosebumps, I laughed, I cried, I glared at the kid next to me for kicking the railing the whole time...but I was not to be deterred. I loved loved LOVED this movie. I didn't even mind Rocky's varicose veins because his biceps were as big around as my head.

And I really did cry at the end.

I apologize for the lack of wit and clever dialogue in this post, but I wanted to get the word out as quickly as I could, while simultaneously packing my bags for Philadelphia. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get there in one piece. In the mean time - go see this movie, Andi Mae and Adam!!

Final Feliz Navidad Total: 36

Who's Excited?

The 24 hour countdown officially begins...

I went to see The Persuit of Happyness last night and hounded, nay demanded that the box-office teenager sell me Rocky Balboa tickets for Wednesday afternoon - the earliest showing I could go to. Although I found out later that there was no reason for me to strong-arm the box-office teenager, as all I had to do was ask for the tickets, but oh well. I think I made my point.

Also, seeing as how "apparently" none of my friends are as excited as me, I am thrilled to be going to the movie with my younger sibling, Brother Bone. When I asked Erin if she wanted to go see it on opening day, she paused and said, "You're going to see it more than once, right?"

Touche.

Feliz Navidad Total: 36

Rocky Balboa Countown: 29 hours

Call Me Barfa Stewart

There are many times throughout the year when it becomes painfully obvious that I lack what the French call a-certain-I-don't-know-what. One of those times was when I was invited to be a sub at Lez's monthly Bunko group - I won a sixty-thousand piece embellishment set, and had no idea what embellishments were. Another good example is the time I decided to become domestic and make corn.*

But my lack of, shall we say, polish (that's polish as in classy / well-mannered, not Polish like the dogs or the culture) reached another new pinnacle this weekend when I tried to bake cookies.

Here are some examples of the cute, crafty Christmas gifts I was given by co-workers:




Home-made canned peaches...

Cute Christmasy mug filled with love and goodness...

Really cute hand-made Santa thingy...

And then there's my contribution.

I swear I have no idea what happened - I followed the recipe exactly, except I added coconut, which shouldn't have made the cookies turn out like greasy, sunken conglomerations.

The picture doesn't do justice, but the entire batch of cookies came out looking like I'd just used them to blot my forehead. If I received them as a gift, I'd probably just throw them away.

I'm sorry, Maggie. I feel like I can never live up to your Martha Stewart-ness.

* Making corn = opening a can of corn and being amazed that all I had to to was heat it up. I believe my exact words were, "You mean I don't have to cook it? Who knew!!"

Feliz Navidad Total: 34
Rocky Balboa Countdown: 2 Days

Men

As the assistant to the President of construction, it was left to me to organize a company Christmas potluck lunch. For two weeks, I've been sending out emails and asking people to sign up to bring something. By "asking" them to bring something, I mean chasing them down and cornering them in their offices and threatening them. That's how half of my week was spent.

The other half was spent trying to explain to grown men that potato chips are not an acceptable side dish for a Christmas luncheon. It took six emails to the VP before he understood what a side dish is and that chips don't count - and then he decided to bring a dessert anyway.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that every single man in this office - from the President to the supers to the IT guy - asked if they could bring chips as their side dish. This was always calmly stated, accompanied by a blank look. This was also after I'd explained to them the nature of the lunch: Christmasy, partly catered, and definitely a step up from other company lunches. This was also after I'd told them that other employees were bringing stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean cassarole, etc. - definitely a step up from chips.

And yet, every time I heard it, I was surprised. I became convinced that there was a mass mutiny happening and that word was being spread for them to suggest bringing chips. Instead, I now believe that all guys really do think alike.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when the following exchange took place with one of the guys this morning:

Guy: I brought something for the lunch, but it wasn't what I signed up for...

Bone Junior: I'm sure that's ok. You signed up for salad right? What did you bring instead?

Guy: Um, I decided to bring a donut salad.

Bone Junior: Flatly. Really. Pause. What's a donut salad?

Guy: Uh, it's kind of like a dozen Krispy Kremes.

A box of Krispy Kremes wouldn't really detract from the overall ambiance of my Christmas table spread, so I wasn't worried about it.

I wasn't worried about it until I was then approached by none other than Napoleon McBoom Boom. Standing close by was the VP, the accountant, and Mr. Donut Salad, all of whom had asked to bring chips. Ironically, Napoleon McBoom Boom was the only office guy who hadn't asked to bring chips, and was apparently unaware of my stance against having picnic food at my Christmas table.

Napoleon: Yeah.....I had a really late night last night, and I just didn't have time to make that dessert that I signed up for. So... I had to bring something else.

Bone Junior: Ok. What did you bring?

Napoleon: I got Doritos and chips.

There wasn't even anything I could say, and even if there was, you wouldn't have been able to hear it over the laughter of the guys behind him. Suffice it to say that I felt like stabbing my pen through his jugular and simultaneously telling him that no matter how late your night is, there is no excuse for coming to work with Cockatiel bed head. I also wanted to tell him that his Cockatiel bed head has been posted on the interweb for all my faithful readers to see.

Instead, I smoothed my skirt, held my head high, and told him that I appreciated his effort in contributing to our company lunch. Then I told the other guys to bend over and I'd show them where to put those chips.

Feliz Navidad total: 30
Rocky Balboa Countdown: 5 days

Reward!

Yesterday, I got a package in the mail. The shipper's address was New Jersey, but that's about all I know, since there was nothing in the package except a mysterious gift. No card, no note, no nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I love getting packages, and I love them even more when they're filled with treasures, but I feel bad because I got a truly awesome gift and I have no idea who to thank.

So I'm posting this in the hopes that someone out there knows something that will bring this anonymous gift-giver to justice.

Your eyes do not deceive. It is a leg lamp night light, now proudly displayed in our classy kitchen.
















In other news, something in the universe is seriously out of whack when Napoleon McBoom Boom has such an eventful night that he comes to work with hair like this, and I'm getting stood up by dates.













Before you ask, I snapped this picture from a distance of about a foot behind him. Maybe it was wrong of me to sneak up behind his unsuspecting coiff, but I just couldn't help myself.

Like Unto a Grandma

Bone Junior: Hello, Papa Johns? Do you have a delivery driver out in a little red car?

Papa Johns: Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah.

Bone Junior: Well, I just think you should know that he's driving like a crazy person. He just swerved into my lane and nearly ran me off the road! What kind of a training program do you have that your drivers think its OK to drive like crazy people! I was driving on State Street, like a normal person does, and your driver started tailing me and then weaved in and out of the lane to pass me!

Papa Johns: Were you driving like a grandma?

Bone Junior: Excuse me?? I don't drive like a grandma. I drive just fine. Your driver just drives like a crazy person! And I thought you should know how he's representing your business. You just lost a customer. Which is too bad because I really liked your cheesey bread.

Attempts, unsuccessfully, to vehemently hang up a cell phone.

I Am Hard Core

Everyone knows that I'm a nerd for movies. I love going to the movies, I love buying the tickets in advance, I love getting there an hour early to get the perfect seats, and I love the fifteen minutes of previews before the movie starts. If I miss the trailers, then its not even worth it for me to see the movie, because the trailers are half the fun. But this weekend, I took my hard coreness to a new level.

After my Saturday night date stood me up (that's right, he asked me out a week in advance, and then never called. When he finally called me the next day and I confronted him about his lack of courtesy, decency and manners, his response was, "You could've called me." Oh, right, I forgot. I'll track you down when you're the one who asked me out. His next response? "So, do you want to go out next weekend?" I give him credit for having the audacity and the balls.)

So, after my Saturday night date stood me up, I decided to go out with Yanaj and see Casino Royale for the third time. Yes, the third time. Get off my back.

We got to the theater about an hour early - not on purpose, but we were meeting there and just happened to be really early. We were the first ones in line outside the theater. I'm not sure if there was even supposed to be a line, or if people just assumed and fell in behind us. Either way, I think its fair to say that I was a trendsetter.

Yanaj and I had the perfect entrance strategy to ensure perfect seats - we split up and each took a different door, then met in the middle of the perfect row. Our plan was executed perfectly, we had perfect seats, and settled in with our popcorn and soda (which had been scored for free thanks to my clever wit, but that's a story for another time). The point is, everything was perfect and I was eagerly anticipating the cinematic experience.

Five minutes before the movie was supposed to start, something happened that I've never experienced in a movie theater before. The screen shut off, the fire alarm went off, a bright light started flashing, and a robotic voice came on saying, "Attention! An emergency has been reported! Please evacuate the theater using the nearest emergency exit!" Over and over. The theater started to empty in a panic as people pushed their way to the doors. Mayem was ensuing, babies were crying, some guy was shouting, "Women and children first! Into the lifeboats!" Oh wait, not that last part. But there was a general panic as people swarmed like cattle.

Yanaj looked at me, semi-worried as I continued to eat my popcorn and ignored the bustle around me. "Aren't we going to leave?" she asked.

I had a brief internal debate as I considered my next move. I knew that the lobby would be full of a thousand people all trying to squeeze through the doors, and no one had come in to tell us we had to leave, so how much of an emergency could it be?

"I don't want to lose our seats!" I reasoned. Some kid probably pulled the fire alarm somewhere, and by the time everyone else figured it out, we'd lose our perfect movie placement. "But what if we burn?" she said.

I grabbed her by the shoulders, looked her in the eye and said, "If we burn, then we burn in the perfect seats, and that's all that matters! Have a little perspective!!" Besides, according to Bone Senior, burning in the perfect seats would be a very fitting way for me to die.

In the end, we didn't burn. We patiently waited for about twenty minutes, while Yanaj nearly had a seizure from the flashing light. And when everyone else filed back into the theater, my only thought was, "Suckers!" But what's most important is that we didn't lose our seats, and we even got raincheck tickets for the inconvenience. And thanks once again to my clever wit, I got three raincheck tickets.

What's funny about this is that I, the Rosa Parks of the Cinemark theater, wouldn't give up my seat in the middle of an emergency, and it wasn't even my first time seeing the movie. It's not like I didn't already know what happens. It's not like I was going to miss out on anything major. It was my third time seeing the movie.

Nothing comes between me and the perfect seats. That's just how I roll.

How To Create a Holiday Table Spread

For this project, you will need the following:

- A temperature of 102;

- Bronchitis;

- A loosely termed "virus that's been going around;"

- Six bottles of Gatorade;

- Theraflu (the kind that leaves the grainy, vomity aftertaste);

- Prison Break: Season One and Over The Top;

- Sugar-free, color-free, vomity-aftertaste-full Tussin;

- Generic vapo-rub (the greasier, the better);

- Generic allergy tablets;

- Ibuprofen;

- And no table setting is complete without a roll of toilet paper and a glass to spit mucous chunks into.

Don't you just love the holidays?

The Only Thing Worse Than That Beatles Christmas Song...

Much love to my dear friend, Andi Curb Your Passion Mae Rosales, who called me all the way from Tejas today at 3:00 just to hold up the phone to her car radio, where Feliz Navidad was playing.


Also, apologies go out to all my co-workers for the sounds of me punching myself in the face around 3:00 this afternoon.

Feliz Navidad Total: 21
Rocky Balboa Countdown: 16 Days

The Bane of My Existence

I finally sold my soul and switched to the Blogger Beta - I still have no idea what that really means, other than it is absolute and final and there is no going back. Not sure how I really feel about this, but we'll see how it works out.

In other news, since moving into the new townhouse in August, I had yet to spot a spider in my room. I've seen a few on the main level, and seen the remnants of spider guts on the walls downstairs occasionally, usually followed by the discovery of spider guts on the bottom of one of my shoes (thanks Yanaj). But so far, they've had yet to crossover into my room, which is exactly how I prefer it.

Until this afternoon. I was coming to the end of a marathon which consisted of me rushing home from work and locking myself in my room for a week straight, while I crocheted like a grandma on crack and relived all the excitement of Prison Break: Season One. Oh, and I was wearing my purple muu muu. In short, it was one of the greatest weeks of my life, followed closely by Elvis Week 2006.

I'm not kidding; I barely spoke to my roommates for an entire week, because every spare moment was spent yelling at Michael and Lincoln, anticipating if they would ever break out. What's sad is that I've already seen it all, so I know how it turns out. But that didn't stop the old adrenaline flow.

Now that I've revealed how lame I am, let me continue with my spider story.

I bounded into my room with excitement this afternoon because I only had two episodes to go. My gleeful skip was stopped short when I saw a huge, hairy, crusty spider on the wall next to my TV. I didn't know what to do, because if I left it alone, it would just be taunting me, knowing that I could still see him and not concentrate on the Prison Break action. My super ultra long extended fly swatter was nowhere to be found, and there was no way I was going to get close enough with a shoe. So I did the unthinkable: I grabbed the closest piece of clothing (which happened to be my hand-made-puffy-painted Elvis Week 2006 tank top) and used a towel-whipping motion accompanied by a blood-curtling scream in the general direction of the huge, hairy, crusty spider.

If you ask me what happened next, I can't tell you for sure. All I know is that somehow the curled up body of the huge, hairy, crusty spider came hurtling back at me and stuck to my shirt. I just about vomited on myself out of fear. I bent over at the waist and started smacking myself in the chest and stomach, screaming all the while and hopping from foot to foot. Don't ask me why I was hopping - it's kind of like the time I went bungee jumping and held my nose as I jumped. I guess it was just instinct.

My point is this: I hate spiders more than just about anything else in the world. And clearly, I am not equipped to handle such situations. Kind of like how I'm clearly not ready to handle having kids of my own. It's not a good sign when a 3-month old baby spits up on you, and your first reaction is to gag and hold the kid in front of you, tipped forward so she'll continue puking on the brand new carpet instead of on your arm. Hypothetically.

And it didn't help matters when a few minutes later, I was comfortably situated in my bed, nestled between my Elvis and Russell Crowe pillows, when what to my wandering eye did appear? Another huge, hairy, crusty spider crawling towards my face. Right towards my face. So I did what any normal, sane person wearing a purple muu muu would do: I screamed, bolted out of bed, ran out of the room and slammed the door behind me.

Something tells me I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Feliz Navidad Total: 18
Rocky Balboa Countdown: 17 days

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: a man comes in handy, and there are certain things that a single female shouldn't attempt without a handy mandy around. Before you get all women's rights on me, let me just say that I'm all for female independence and all that, but let's be honest - there are some things that are just easier to do with a man. Making out is one of those things.

Or, for example, trying to cart a ten-foot christmas tree home. Or trying to set up the christmas tree in a tree stand that's too small to hold the trunk. For these situations, it helps to have a) a truck; b) a saw; and c) a guy who doesn't care about getting sap on his hands. This was a lesson learned last Christmas when we used a screwdriver to stab holes in the trunk because we didn't have a saw to cut off the end so it could drink the water. Needless to say, that tree dried up pretty quickly. And no, it was not the very same screwdriver that I recently used to start my car.

Thank goodness for Brit - our new Christmas Tree Maintenance Man, and his truck, saw, and acceptance of sap. The weekend ended with a ten foot tree, carefully whittled at the base, beautifully decorated in purple and silver.

It also helps to have a guy around when you're looking for a new car - another lesson I learned this weekend. Now, I'm not a certified mechanic, but I feel like I know enough about cars to avoid being scammed, especially after taking an 8-week beginners automotive class this fall. Who am I kidding - all I wanted to do in that class was ride on the car lift. Either way, my dad taught me enough, and I've been through enough with my car that I feel like I can hold my own when it comes to car salesmen.

Before I went to the lot, I had an idea of what I did and didn't want. I won't share my shopping list out of the fear of offending people who's cars match my do-not-want list. But I had my schpeil prepared, I was cool, calm and collected, and was ready to appear as an intelligent, independent girl who couldn't be pushed into a sale.

But something went horribly wrong. Maybe it was the wind chill, or the hunger pangs of my stomach consuming itself, or the fact that I really had to pee. Because when the salesman approached me, our conversation went a little something like this, and I turned a car salesman's dream:

Salesman: What are you looking for?

Bone Junior: Um.......Something pretty?

Salesman: Okaaaaaaaaaaaay. What do you think of this one? (Points to a green Mercury Cougar. Not Eagles green, mind you. This was more St. Patrick's Day hangover green.)

Bone Junior: Oooh, that's pretty! And it looks pretty inside too! Can I drive it?

Salesman: (Eyes me suspiciously.)It's a five-speed manual... is that OK?

Bone Junior: Immediately snaps out of it and resumes Independent Girl Appearance, rolling eyes at stupid car salesman who assumes that just because I'm a single girl, I can't drive a stick. Well, I'll show him. Snatches keys out of salesman's hands. Um, yeah, I drive a five-speed manual. My BMW is a five-speed manual.Thanks. Wow, I sound snooty. Watch this, smarmy salesman. Eat my dust as I peel out of here in this pretty sports car. Check me out in all my stick-shift driving glory. Hmmm... this is a different set-up than I'm used to. How do I get it in reverse? The diagram says its all the way to the right, but its not getting into gear....if I revv the engine and jump forward one more time, smarmy salesman will know something's up.... how the heck do you get it in reverse?!?! Now ALL the salesmen are watching me! If I go forward any further, I'm going to jump the curb! Crap!

The story concludes with me hobbling up to the salesman with my foot in my mouth, and asking him meekly how to put the pretty car in reverse. Turns out there's a secret ninja button that you have to hold in before you shift it. Who knew.

When I got back from the test drive with my tummy full of humble pie, the salesman asked me what I thought of the car. What was my Independent Intelligent Woman response?

"It's pretty."

Next time I go car shopping, I'm taking a man for the sole purpose of having him hold his hand over my mouth before I can make any more of an ass out of myself. I've got that part down pat.

Feliz Navidad Total: 17
Rocky Balboa Countdown: 18 days

This is Why I Love My Job

No, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. That is a cardboard pop-up of Graceland at Christmas, courtesy of my co-worker Dean. Who knew that an Elvis christmas album held such tray-sures inside. I wasted a good fifteen minutes talking to Dean this morning about our shared love of Elvis, and looking through the Elvis merchandise catalogs that he brought to show me. The excitement of Elvis Week 2006 came back to me, and I started to feel the need to buy that matched luggage set...

Not much later, I returned to my desk to find two culprates tampering with my things. Seeing as how I'm usually the one playing the practical jokes, I'm always caught off guard when the tables are turned on me. At first glance, everything looked normal, until I tried to move my mouse.

Note the Feliz Navidad running talley in the background, as well as the tail end of my Christmas garland.

Feliz Navidad Total: 15

I'm Sorry, Mrs. McConnell

Seeing as how I've been playing Christmas music at work (and especially Elvis Christmas music) for three weeks now, I thought it was about time that the rest of my cubicle caught up with the holiday spirit.

Sadly, my paper snowflake cutting skills left something to be desired. I apologize in advance to my first grade teacher, Mrs. McConnell, because clearly I have failed her.

Attempt #1: Cell division

Attempt #2: Amish hex sign













Attempt #3: Geometric bejeweled.











Attempt #4: Octopus

Attempt #5: Guatemalan wrestling mask

Attempt #6: Getting closer...









And here we see Attempt #1 by one of the supers. That's right. A 6'4" construction worker made a better snowflake on his first try then I could in six tries.

Clearly, I have some kind of mental deformity that transcends to my safety scissors.

Everybody Has Their Limit

I got so sick of coming in Monday mornings and seeing this...



...that I finally snapped and left the supers a message of my own:




In other news, as I sit here writing this, Feliz Navidad is playing on the radio. Please hold while I go get my screwdriver back...

In other other news, I had a breakthrough this weekend with the huge bald guy with biceps as big as my head. I actually came within six inches of his huge body without experiencing verbal diarrhea like I did the only other time I spoke to him. Except this time, I didn't exactly speak to him. Let me start from the beginning.

My good friend G was in town this weekend, and after my 3:30 A.M. wake-up call on Black Friday - yes, I'm one of those people - I was looking forward to some fun with G. It also meant that I was finally going to see Casino Royale. We were both so enamored with Daniel Craig that we'd promised to wait to see it until she was here. And I'll be honest, I really only wanted to see it because of Daniel Craig - I've never seen a single James Bond movie in my life (I know, I know, the shame! Get off my back.)

And it was everything I'd hoped it would be. G and I were on the edge of our seats, trading dirty one-liners about how hot he was. Ok really it was just me making dirty one-liners about how hot he was, but still. Can you blame me? Tell me you wouldn't slam him like a car door.

Upon leaving the theater, I saw something straight ahead that made me shake with more excitement than the Rocky Balboa trailer...huge bald guy with biceps as big as my head dead ahead. Now, G is fully aware of my crush as I've been talking to her about it for two months now. My biggest hope was that while she was in town, she'd get to see the back of his head at church on Sunday, but we hit the jackpot.

There he was right in front of us, and I did the only thing any normal person would do when they are face to face with their crush: I screamed, "There's hugebaldguywithbicepsasbigasmyhead!!" then threw G's body in front of me to shield myself from his radiating hotness. Lit'rally. Screamed, then threw her body in front of me. Not to mention the shaking and sweating. What can I say, I'm not one to make a scene or draw attention to myself.

My only saving grace was that there was a big crowd of people and maybe there's some chance that he didn't hear me shriek his name. G says that he didn't turn around, but she could have been so startled and panicked by my outburst that she wasn't observing clearly. Who knows.

What we do know is this: he was waiting outside the bathrooms for a girl, and we ended up walking in front of them in the parking lot, purposely quiet in an effort to hear their conversation and determine the status of the date. Our silence was working well until a chubby kid in a windbreaker suit ran past us, swish swish swishing to catch up to his friends and we couldn't contain ourselves anymore.

We laughed ourselves into a coughing fit in the car. At the risk of bringing more shame and embarassment to myself, that's where the story ends. Suffice it to say that neither G nor I have a very promising future in espionage.

I will, however, proudly invite further shame and embarassment upon myself when I say that I am SO excited to see Rocky Balboa. The theatrical trailer gave me goosebumps, and I'm counting down the days to December 22. I very nearly shook the popcorn out of G's hand when the trailer came on. Even better, I'll be in Philadelphia to see the opening with my Elvis Week BFF, and I couldn't be more excited.

As G and everyone else points out, yes Sylvester Stallone is old and looks like he's had a brow lift; yes he should've gracefully bowed out with Rocky 4; yes I kind of get retarded tingles when I see the trailer, and yes the entire theater was laughing, but none of that matters to me. Show me another 60-year-old man with a six pack like Stallone's, willing to take his shirt off for half the movie. I don't care what everyone else says, I can't wait to see this movie. Or Rambo IV in 2008.

Feliz Navidad total: 12
Rocky Balboa Countdown: 25 days

How to Spend Thanksgiving Alone

If you ever find yourself alone at Thanksgiving and unable to attend anyone else's feast because you have to work an 8 1/2 hour shift dead smack in the middle of the day like I did this holiday, here are some suggestions to help pass the time.

- Watch the four-hour "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team" marathon on CMT, and cry a little when Kallie gets cut because "No one will work harder for ya'll!"

- Pee your pants half a dozen times when the yippy little rat terrier you're dog-sitting follows you around and scares the crap out of you because he's too small and yippy to even be detected in your peripheral vision.

- Catch up on all your TiVo'd shows from the week (Prison Break, Heroes, Studio 60, America's Next Top Model...)

- Carefully weigh the consequences of punting the yippy little rat terrier you're dog-sitting off your balcony.

- Decide that you're going to gain a deeper appreciation for Thanksgiving and embark upon a three hour PBS special about the pilgrims. Abandon that idea after about five minutes.

- Get away from the yippy little rat terrier you're dog-sitting and spend two hours enjoying the flat screen TV and surround sound system at the home of the two boxer - Great Dane mixes you're also dog-sitting.

- Spend a collective fifteen minutes wiping dog drool off your leg while simultaneously trying to convince a 100-pound dog that he's too big to fit in your lap.

- Attempt to play in the yard with said dogs and then decide against it after being charged full-speed and knocked to the ground twice by both dogs at the same time.

- Take some cute pictures of the sweetest dogs you know and try not to think about the yippy little rat terrier waiting for you at home.

















- Plan out your Black Friday shopping spree that starts at 4:00 A.M.

- Listen to a Christmas song on the radio about how Santa fell in love once too.

- Go to work and try not to punch the social worker on duty when you hear that damn Beatles song about simply having a wonderful Christmas time.

- Add another talley to your Feliz Navidad total.

- Stifle a laugh when your black neighbor offers to bring leftovers to you at work and asks if you like white meat or dark meat. Ask neighbor to bring you dark meat and a side of huge bald guy with biceps as big around as your head, because they just so happen to be roommates.

- Enjoy Thanksgiving feast, complete with Diet Pepsi from neighbor's trunk.

- Try some Viva egg-nog because you can't remember the last time you had egg-nog; and then quickly remember why you haven't had egg-nog since who knows when.

- And when all else fails to pass the time, blog about how you still can't talk to the huge bald guy with biceps as big as your head because your body simulates heroin withdrawals every time you see him.

Feliz Navidad Total: 9

Rated R for Disturbing Images

Today at work, after returning from getting our usual frozen tasty pumpkin treats from Einstein Bros., Nicole (yes, the very same Nicole from the famous food smuggling incident, and the very same Nicole from the famous dead bird incident) and I came across a ghastly site that sent me into a downward spiral of pain, anguish, and guilt. It's almost too graphic to show you, but I'm going to anyway. Please take a moment to prepare yourself for what you're about to see.

















There are no words. Your jaw is probably hanging open, just like mine.

R.I.P little bird; one love.

If I had been the one to hunt you down and massacre you with the grill of my car, rest assured that I would have screamed and possibly veered off the road. I also would have made one of my construction guys pick your little feathers out of my grill, because I'd be too grossed out to do it myself. But I would have them do it promptly, because I wouldn't want to leave my car parked there all day with your fuzzy little broken body still stuffed into the slats for someone to take a picture of and post on the internet. I hope that is some consolation to you now.

No Bones About It: Happy Feet

While most of the movie nerds were seeing Casino Royale, I admit it. I went to see Happy Feet on opening day. The previews just made it seem too darn cute to pass up - and it was. These little penguins were just about the cutest thing I've seen in a long time. I wanted to nuzzle them into my bosom and then put them in a litte box and shake them.

But while it was cute, I have to say that I don't really agree with the message - I thought it was a bit contradictory. I thought it was going to be about finding your "heartsong", and in turn, finding your Tad Hamilton; but actually its about a population that ostracizes and outcasts a penguin for being different.

For the back story, I have to borrow the words of one of my favorite movie critics, Dustin Rowles, who says it better than I could:

"The penguins’ mating habits are linked to their singing voices. It is the destiny of each penguin to find its literal “soul” mate, as do Norma Jean (Nicole Kidman) and Memphis (Hugh Jackman). Jackman’s character is, somewhat disagreeably, based on Elvis, and during the egg-warming phase of reproduction, his hips get the best of him and he loses his egg temporarily.

It’s long enough, apparently, to produce a Peyton Manning-like birth defect in his offspring, Mumble (Elijah Wood). And no, that defect is not the visage of a baby who looks as though his mother gave birth to him pressed up against a brick wall; rather, he’s got the happy feet of Colts QB about three seconds before he gives way to a Belicheckian right-side overload blitz. Unfortunately, he also has the singing voice of a Michael Vick long-ball — it’s not only hideous, but it’s off target by about seventeen octaves. "

I think its the Peyton Manning reference that really tickles me about Rowles' review. Long story short, and after a lot of weird things, Mumble (who was cast out for being different and not conforming to the standards of attraction and appeal held by his snooty penguin clan) saves the day - but only after his snooty penguin clan conforms to his standards of appeal and attraction. Literally - millions of penguins break out in choreographed line dancing.

So I thought the point of this penguin was to send the message that its OK to be different - that even if you're the only chubby brunette in a class full of walking blonde stereotypes, you can still get some action because maybe there's a huge bald guy out there with biceps as big around as your head who will let you swing around on them. I thought the message was that you don't have to conform to the norm in order to be accepted. But, according to Happy Feet, if you don't want to starve to death, you better blend in with the crowd. Which is interesting because penguins all look alike to begin with. Go figure.

But even after all the mixed messages, Happy Feet was still adorably cute and the music was infectious in a good way. It made me want to be back in front of Buffalo Bill's Resort & Casino in Primm, Nevada, watching a certain someone kick another certain someone in the shin while shuffling off to Buffalo.

Don't get me wrong, it is a cute movie, and if you can tolerate Nicole Kidman's breathy-to-the-point-of-sexually-whispering dialogue, then its fun to see. And you can't go wrong with Hugh Jackman as an Elvisy penguin named Memphis. Who am I kidding - that was my favorite part of the movie. Now get off my back.

As a side note, I want it to be known that I am one of those people - the ones who listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Apparently, I work with a bunch of Scrooge's who don't appreciate it, but that hasn't deterred me from my mission. I stream the music from one of Yahoo's stations while I'm at work, and last year, I swear that I heard "Feliz Navidad" at least eight times a day.

To prove my theory, I'm keeping a running talley and since I know you'll be on the edge of your seat about it, I'll update the talley every time I post. Consider it self-inflicted torture for being the chubby brunette who gets the shakes and sweats and is too chicken to talk to the huge bald guy with biceps as big around as your head.

Feliz Navidad Total : 6

Fill In This Blank

This is a picture of:

A) My last boyfriend;

B) My car becoming a woman and experiencing the freshness;

C) A well-learned lesson in auto mechanic safety;

D) The result of a beemer gone rogue;

E) What happens when you flush your power steering reserve and your car sprays tranny fluid all over the floor.

That's right. The tranny fluid comes standard, but he doesn't kiss on the mouth.

I Feel the Love

Who says that construction workers aren't sensitive? Clearly they're looking out for me and have only my well being in mind, as seen in this little gem that was on my desk this morning:

Ghettofaboolus

This week, my faboolussness has reached a whole new level.

It all started almost three years ago when I got a fabooluss deal on a 1995 BMW 3-series from a guy I worked with. Truth be told, I really only bought the car because it was the perfect shade of Philadelphia Eagle green, and it matched the license plate frame that I had. (I know that some of you don't doubt that for a second.)

I love this car. It is my joy, it is my passion. I never drive it, I just wipe it with a diaper. Oh wait, that's Cameron's dad.

But I do love this car, and my friends love to hate me in this car. I love to hate me in this car, as I recently caught myself being prejudiced against myself. I was driving on the freeway and when I got cut off by a beemer, I threw my hands up and moaned, "Oooooooh, better get out of the way of the beeeeeemer! Look at meeeee! I drive a beemer! I can do whatever I waaaaaaaaant! Everybody make room for the fancy car!"

Then it dawned on me that people probably think that same thing about me when I cut them off. I swear I'm different though - I can't help it that front row parking spots just happen to open up for me. I don't think I've walked more than a few feet through a parking lot in the past three years. My roommates swear that I'm ripping off handicapped signs just to get the spot.

But I really am different. My car is the only fancy thing about me, and it's not even fancy. Its eleven years old and clearly not a symbol of my status in society. Let me stress the fact that I paid way less for it that it was worth. I'm a total fraud and I think people are starting to catch on.

Which brings me to the topic of this post: how truly ghettofabooluss I am now. Three years ago, if Miss Cleo had told me that I'd be offered a steal-of-a-deal on a yuppy car that would guarantee me rock star parking and kissy faces from chicanos; but the trade off is that over the next three years I'd replace all four tires, both front control arms, the starter, the catalytic converter (twice), the fan clutch, the A/C belt and tensioner (three times), the serpentine belt, the thermostat, a handful of electrical relays, and the alternator; on top of $50 oil changes - - I'd have said, "Is it Philadelphia Eagle green?" Blink blink.

I've learned a lot from this car. For example, I've learned that when a mechanic tells you that your guibo (pronounced gwee-bo) needs to be replaced, in your moment of 'this guy is SO trying to rip me off because I'm a girl and I'm going to make my dad proud by standing up for myself', you shouldn't sarcastically ask if the guibo is located near the flux capacitor, because as it turns out, the guibo is a real German automotive part, and you'll just end up looking like an ass. Hypothetically.

I've also learned that nothing about my car is convenient, easy, or cheap. The battery is in the trunk, the window controls are in the center console, the back seatbelts are backwards, the oil pan is on the bottom but the oil filter is on the top....the list goes on and on.

But it does come with a built-in tool kit, filled with special BMW tools that do very specific things. This one is for when the sunroof gets stuck open, that one is for when the glove compartment won't stay closed, and this one is for when you turn your $40 laser cut key and nothing happens except that when you pull the key out, the battery stays on and you call your brother crying because you don't know which battery terminal is negative because it's labeled in German and the manual says that you must disconnect the negative first or else something bad will happen and then need to ask your roomate's brother to tow you to the mechanic in the middle of a snow storm.

Unfortunately, there is no tool for when your car sits at the mechanic for a week because in an attempt to expedite the situation, you had them order the part from a junkyard in Washington (who sent the wrong part), and then from a junkyard in New York (who also sent the wrong part) and then finally from the BMW dealership who takes twenty days to verify the security clearance of the mechanic by demanding copies of your title, registration, drivers license, birth certificate, college transcripts, bank statements, W2's and headshots to prove that you deserve to own this fine piece of German machinery.

There is, however, a tool that will allow you to operate the car while you're waiting for your level three BMW security clearance and the underside of your steering column is exposed with the blood and guts of your ignition hanging down. It's called a screwdriver. And let me tell you, it doesn't get more ghettofabooluss than me gingerly stepping into my car, taking care not to catch my four-inch heels on any of the wires, smoothing my skirt, putting on my purple sunglasses, and then starting the engine with my flat head screwdriver.

Now that's classy.

Me and My Black Heart

On Tuesday, I had a traumatic experience. I was leaving work with my friend Nicole (yes, the very same Nicole from the famous food smuggling incident), heading down to our company's Trunk or Treat (having been volunteered to run it as the only single people assumed to have no prior obligations on Halloween Night) when we happened upon a sad site.

A giant bird (probably not an eagle) had flown into the side of our glass building, and was laying on the sidewalk in a puddle of blood. We both just stood there, watching as the poor bird twitched, both with tears in our eyes. We didn't know what to do - what could we do? - so we just left it.

When I came in to work Wednesday morning, the accountant told me about how he and one of the VP's (yes, the very same VP from the famous communicator incident and the famous carrot incident) had found a mouse in the break room yesterday. I think that the phrase "found a mouse" is a little non-descript, considering that the accountant kicked the mouse into the wall, knocking it unconscious, before taking it outside and dropping a large rock on it. "To put it out of its misery," they said.

I don't think the cheese stands alone on this when I say that it seemed a bit excessive for a poor little mouse. It really pricked the cockles of my heart to think about the accountant drop kicking a little field mouse and then bludgeoning it. Of course, all the superindentents got a kick out of this and spent the next twenty minutes telling me their individual tales of mouse bludgeoning - all too graphic to be relayed here.

And their justification was always the same. "They're rodents."

I just stood there with my jaw hanging open, listening to their ghastly stories of torture. My only response was an attempt to wrangle some shred of humanity out of these guys. With more tears in my eyes, I told these supers the tale of the poor bird from yesterday afternoon. I expected them to have some pity and feel sorry for the thing. Instead, I became labeled a compassionless murderer - apparently I should have stomped on the bird's head to put it out of its misery. By leaving it there, I was only prolonging its suffering, and ignoring its cries for help.

The rest of my work day was a free-for-all against me, The Bird Murderer. I couldn't walk past a super without him sqwaking, "Help me! Help me!" in a tiny bird voice. I also found this little gem written on my calendar:

But it didn't stop there. When I walked into the copy room, I was pleasantly surprised to see the following cartoon depiction posted on the Company Information Bulletin Board:

I don't even have time to count all the things wrong with this picture. For starters, I'm seven inches shorter than Nicole. (No, I'm not a midget, she's just incredibly tall.) When I pointed this out to the artist (none other than Jim, the super from the famous carrot incident) he said, "But I gave you high heels! Oh wait, I guess I mixed that up."

Yes, Jim. You also mixed me up with a heartless bird torturer, but hey, who's counting. Oh, wait. I'm counting, Jim. Have fun using your keyboard tomorrow.

No They Di-Int...

Oh yes they did. The Brother of Tex introduced me to cheesesteaks: Tejas style. I stood outside the shop and yelled, "ImposTORAY!!!" in an Italian accent while shaking my fist at the front window. Then I went in and ate a cheesesteak.

Viva La Houston

This is for all of you who didn't believe me when I blogged about the shows we watch in secret.

This photo is an actual screen shot of Nicole's DVR menu here in Houston.















Between catching up on TGIF reruns tomorrow, I plan to visit "The Texadelphia: Home of the Original Texas Cheesesteak".

Stay tuned for my review...

Flavored Wrapping Paper!?!?

Today, one of the commerical superintendents (yes, the very same super from my infamous get rich quick dare) brought in some wrapping paper from the dollar store. I didn't think much of it until he shoved it in my face and demanded that I read the description of this flavored wrapping paper:

This wrapping paper the assortment is numerous, and the species assorts with the popular vogue syncronous, the applicability of low file product in rarious, senior high school is expensive, deep sufler the large businessman to like!

Yeah, I don't know either. I just though it was funny.

Good luck!

No Bones About It: The Prestige

Did anyone doubt that I'd be seeing The Prestige on opening night? I'd been looking forward to it for months. Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, David Bowie - what's not to like?

I'll tell you what's not to like - being late to the movie and sitting in the very back row on the far side, sitting next to the loudest nose breather on the planet who spends two and a half hours scratching the swishily-clad back of his companion and simultaneously usurping all of the arm space between us.

Let me break it down. I love going to the movies, and I like things to be a certain way when I'm at the movies. A good seat is priority, which in my mind, justifies getting to the theater an hour early on opening night to make sure. None of my friends grasp the importance of getting a good seat, so we're almost never there as early as I'd like to be. (And yes, I've accepted and embraced the fact that I'm anal. Bless the dear little hearts of the friends who tolerate it.)

While we arrived at the movie early, apparently we weren't early enough, as the only available seats were in the very back. I love the annoyed looks on people's faces when I ask if that seat is taken, because it's the same look I give people. I don't like to sit next to anyone other than my friends, so I don't blame them.

I was lucky enough to be seated next to the number-one-all- time-most-super-in-love- couple in Utah. The way they sat in eachother's laps was nasueatingly precious, and I could have ignored it if not for the intermittant jabs to the ribs I got as they shifted spooning positions.

And then the breathing started. I don't know how this man managed to breathe without shooting snot rockets with every exhale. I really don't know - I tried to mimic his forceful breathing technique and ended up with dribbles of snot. He sounded like he was having an asthma attack and his mouth was sewn shut. I literally plugged my left ear to try and enjoy the previews. I was still determined to enjoy myself.

I managed to momentarily forget about the nose breather, and in that moment, that one blissfully quiet moment, the back scratching / vigorous rubbing started. I'd just like to say thank you to K-Mart for still selling Members Only jackets - you know, the really swishy, noisy kind? Have you ever tried to focus on something when the only thing you can hear is the swish-swish-swish of a back scratching near you?

And let's not forget the periodic slurpy kisses that were being exchanged, at which points the nose breathing became so unbearable that all I could do was shock them with my full-head-turn-straight-on-dagger-eyes. I became so distracted that my mind began rehearsing all the different scenarios of me going Pompei all over Wonder Nostrils.

Here's a thought: if you're a couple that is so in love that you can't stand to keep your hands or mouths off eachother for more than eighteen seconds at a time, then perhaps the movies isn't the place for you. Save it for Sacrament meeting.

I Am Here for Your Viewing Pleasure

Today, I stuck two baby carrots up my nose at work. One of the vice-presidents (yes, the very same VP from the communicator story) and a commercial superintendent were standing by as I proceeded to make a jackass of myself, but what else is new.

As I turned to face them, carrots in perfect snot-rocket-shooting position, the super said, "I'll give you a quarter if you eat them now." Imagine my disgust at his request. Does he think I'm a six year old? Does he think I'm going to allow myself to be a side show at the expense of my self-dignity? Who's the puppet master here! There was no way I was going to degregate myself any further in front of the VP.

Many things I may do, but whoring myself out for a quarter is not one of them. Bargaining however, is one of them. Needless to say, I walked away $0.75 richer and jangling my pockets all the way.

I Can't Do Anything Normal

Happy Boss's Day, Dave.

I hope you like the fake grapes that I glued to the envelope.

No Bones About It : The Departed

Last night, I had a hot date with my roommate-who-shall-remain-anonymous for reasons which will late become apparent. For the sake of clarity, I'll call her "Yanaj."

In the years that she's known me, Yanaj has always maintained a safe distance of caution when I recommend a movie to her, and vice versa. Neither of us has bad taste in movies, we just like very different things. Yanaj loves Star Trek and sc-fi, and I do not. Then again, I love blood and guts and blowing stuff up, and she does not.

This is illustrated best by the movies that we watch when no one else is around: Nicole (my old roommate who moved to Tejas) watches Full House and chick flicks when she's alone, Yanaj watches British comedies and Star Trek episodes, and I watch Predator and the Rambo movies. So you can see where there might be some differences of opinion.

Yanaj also hates scary movies, and actually turned this into a bargaining tool. Our conversation went something like this:

Bone Junior: "Please please PLEASE go see this scary movie with me! No one else wants to go!"
Yanaj: Contemplating momentarily before responding, "Not just no, but hell no."
Bone Junior: "Come on, PLEASE!!"
Yanaj: "If I go see this movie with you, then you have to go see the next sci-fi Trekky movie that comes out with me."
Bone Junior: Clenching fists in frustration before stomping out of the room.

Needless to say, we did not go to see that scary movie. It just wasn't worth it for me, but Yanaj is usually a good sport about tolerating my movies. There is no small amount of cajoling and pressuring on my part. I have to tell her over and over again that not only will she like it, but she'll love it so much that it hurts.

It warms the cockels of my heart when she actually likes something that I force upon her, especially when she's resisted and mocked for an extended length of time. Some of my more recent victories include Rocky; It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; and Boondock Saints. She has yet to convince me to watch a single Star Trek episode.

So when I suggested that we go see The Departed and doubt flickered across her face, I warmed up my hands for the challenge. I knew it wouldn't take much to convince her; after all, making people do things is what I do best. I was surprised when she conceeded after only a few minutes of my desperate persuasion, and most of it involved me saying "Mark Wahlberg" over and over again without letting her get a word in edgewise. I also slipped in a few "Alec Baldwin"s in there - she's got a thing for The Shadow. I think she gave in out of pure exasperation, but score one for The Bone, and off we went.

The Departed was, in a nut shell, one of the most awesome movies I've seen this year. It's bloody and gutsy in classic Scorsese style, and I'll pay $7.50 any day to listen to Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matt Damon speaking in hot Southy accents. Which brings me to my next point: The DiCaprio.

I'll admit, I jumped on The DiCaprio teen heart-throb bandwagon, swooning over Romeo and Jack. But after puberty, I've never really found him to be particularly attractive, let alone sexy. And I haven't thought much of his acting career either, so he wasn't the major draw for me to see this movie. I was really surprised at his turn in The Departed - he's finally grown into his puddin' face and embodied sultry. As Nicole would say (like she did when she watched Wolverine peel out on his chopper in X3), "He is a tortured maaaaaaaaaaaaaan." One love, DiCaprio. Nice going - you even got Yanaj fired up, which is no small feat.

The intensity and thrill of The Departed is best summed up by Yanaj's reply to me before we left the sanctity of the theater.

Bone Junior: "Did you like it?"
Yanaj: Contemplating momentarily before responding, "Let me put it this way. If you were a guy, and you took me to see this movie, I'd definitely put out for you tonight."

Score two for The Bone.

Leave It To Me

One thing I hear a lot from my friends is, "Something like that would only happen to you." I'm more than happy to once again lend support to their theory.

On Wednesday morning, I was pulling a shirt on over my head and somehow my right arm got stuck and tangled in the sleeve. After a short yet heated struggle, my hand was wrestled free and shot out of the sleeve, punching myself in the chin like King Hippo

Don't ask, because I don't know how it happened either. All I know is that when I came to, I had a bloody lip and a stunned expression on my face. I got myself cleaned up and didn't think much more of it, until I had to convince everyone at work that I wasn't starring in my own Judith Light Lifetime: Television for Women (and Ryan Eichelberger) after-school special. No major damage done, and I was back on track.

I woke up Thursday morning and could barely move my jaw for the excruciating pain on the left side, just below my ear. I manually moved / cracked it around with my hand, figuring that I'd just slept on it wrong. (Yeah...I know. Slept on my jaw wrong? I know. Get off my back, it made sense at 6 A.M.) I didn't think the lockjaw had anything to do with my violent attack on myself from the day before.

After consulting with Bone-in-Law (Bone Senior's hubby/dentist in training), he assured me that I'd probably just strained the Temporo-Mandibular Joint. His advice? You guessed it: take ibuprofen.

Seeing as how this was all starting to sound vaguely familiar, I think you know what came next: surfing the interweb for more info about my condition. Jackpot.

Straining your TMJ is painful. So painful, in fact, that it's best to keep your hair out of your face to avoid any contact with the affected area. Try a super-handy-super-trendy banana clip to sweep hair up and away in a fashionable manner, and don't forget to feather those bangs. Never hang dangly earrings from anywhere other than your ear lobe, as clearly this is only causing more strain. Most importantly, always remain subtly soft and blurry around all your edges.

Many of the websites also recommend that I "relax muscles with moist heat." While this sounds helpful, I personally choose to avoid anything that uses the word moist, unless it is followed by delicious best.

But here it is, four days later, and I'm eating My First Pears baby food out of a jar because my jaw was KO'd out of place by yours truly. Which brings us full circle to the point of this post : something like this would only happen to me.

Don't Hate Me Because I Can Pass For A Mexican

So I went to a spa party the other night, hosted by my hair stylist Lez. I'd known about the party ever since I almost killed her dog, and was really excited to get my feet massaged and try nice smelly lotions and stuff. But I also knew that I was stepping into the Danger Zone of Cute Trendy Marrieds with Unbelievably Cute and Trendy Hair.

The last time I entered The Danger Zone was a few months ago when Lez asked me to be a substitute in her monthly Bunko group. My response was, "What's Bunko, and will there be food?"

I brought my friend Nicole along (the very same Nicole from the food smuggling incident at the movie theater) and was really excited for a night of pampering. But I knew that maybe I was a little out of place when we had to go around and say what group we fell into when it came to our beauty / facial care regimen. I don't remember the clever names of each group, but it basically broke us down into four kinds of people: those who have a whole line of products and religiously use them, those who have a whole ton of products and use them every once in a while, those who have a few products and try to use them routinely, and those who have no products and don't care.

I was one of two people in the last group. The other lady is bursting with pregnancy, so she has an excuse. Apparently, I have no excuse for having "a face you can fry bacon on". Apparently, I'm disgusting because I usually don't wash off my eye makeup for "three to five days". Apparently, some of the girls were grossed out by my "bacteria-infested facial hygene".

When I read it now, I realize how gross it really sounds. But I don't think I'm alone out there when I say that I'd rather watch "Hogan Knows Best" reruns than take half an hour to wash my face. And according to these gals, "washing your face" is not just washing your face. Apparently there's a whole routine and regimen to it. And it's no longer OK to use a wash cloth for washing your face. Who knew. This all seems a bit over kill to the girl who uses TP and spit to wipe off her eye liner.

Well, thats just me. It really just boils down to the fact that I'm lazy and don't feel like washing my face every night. But in my own defense, I do use the Equate facial wipes to get off the really gunky mascara. It's a good thing I went to the spa party, otherwise I wouldn't have had the chance to learn the extreme error of my ways.

I had no choice but to subscribe to the theory that they all hated my appalling regimen because despite my lack of care, I have kinda OK skin. Its by no means flawless, but in general its pretty clear. I'd probably hate me too if I was the girl who spent $400 on products and took an hour each night "washing" my face and still had breakouts, and then meet someone else who hardly washes their makeup off and see that they have OK skin.

Or maybe I'm just tan enough that you can't tell how bad my skin is, hence my addicition to natural sunlight. My tanorexic plan was going perfectly until I went to Costa Vida (the poor man's Cafe Rio) for lunch with Jen, my Guatemalan co-worker who also speaks fluent Spanish. Jen ordered before me, and the hispanic guys behind the counter spoke perfect, flawless English to her. But when I stepped forward, I thought I was going both deaf and crazy because I couldn't understand a word they were saying to me.

It only took a second before I realized that they were speaking in Spanish to me. I pulled my traditional deer-in-the-headlights move as the guy kept asking me something crazy about cheese. I looked desperately at Jen for help, who couldn't do anything because she was laughing too hard. For some reason, I spoke unnecessarily loud and slow as I said, "I don't speak Spanish - she does!!!", then pointed to Jen. The guy behind the counter then exchanged some kind of witty banter in Spanish with Jen (I can only assume it was witty banter because clearly I am not hispanic and clearly I do not understand Spanish, but they were having a hearty laugh about it.)

As Jen wiped the tears from her eyes, she kindly explained that the guy said he spoke Spanish to me because he thought I was Latina. He didn't think that she, the Guatemalan girl was Hispanic. Apparently I can pass for a mexican better than the real thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that - I just stayed out of the sun for the next few days.

The point of that story is to defend my natural tan-ness, and thus defend my lack of a facial cleansing routine. Of course when I told the spa party gals that I never wear sunscreen either, I was nearly chased out by the angry mob with pitch forks. Don't be jelly because I'm doing irreversible damage to my skin and you're not.

I'd also like to give a shout-out to my Lebanese cul'churd heritage - the only real reason for my OK skin.

As a side note, I learned today that you should never talk to your boss, Curtis, when you have a mouth full of Almond Joy. Otherwise, you might accidentally call him "coitus".

Put That In Your Pipe

So now that the Baby Bone news is out and I'm going to be Aunt Bone Junior, I've decided to begin cracking open my eggs of knowledge for everyone to benefit from. Three important things I've learned this week:

1. If on Sunday night you have really bad rotten egg gas and you stifle it with a fleece Elvis blanket so that no one else will smell it, on Tuesday night everyone in the room will smell the really bad rotten egg gas that has been stifled under the blanket when you lift it up off the floor. Hypothetically. And then the blanket will no longer be known as the Elvis blanket, it will be called the Stinky Fart blanket. Also hypothetically.

2. If on Sunday morning you tell a guy online that you're craving french toast and boysenberry jam, on Wednesday afternoon you might receive a FedEx package from Texas filled with french toast and boysenberry preserves. Seriously, the coolest package I've ever gotten. I think I'm going to frame the french toast.... or do I eat it and salmonella be damned? I'll keep you posted.

3. Apparently, the following Baby Bone name suggestions are not OK: Milton Bazookashorts Milmont, Exploding Bone Soldier Milmont, Ferdinand Hammertoe Milmont, Foghorn Kilimanjaro Milmont, Rusty Tuberculosis Milmont, and Paul.

In other office hijinks news, you all probably know by now that I work for a construction company. Our sales & marketing guy, Dennis, recently sent out the following company-wide email:

Superintendents/Project Managers:

If you have any grocery store experience at all, will you please email me the name of the project, location, and your role in the project? I am trying to get prequalified for some grocery store work and need this information. Your prompt response would greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Dennis

I promptly responded with the following run-on sentence:

Dennis –

Having been a single person all my life, I feel like I have vast grocery store experience. One time, I went to Smith’s with my roommate, and we were standing in front of the peanuts when this guy from my ward walked around the corner, and I had a huge crush on him at the time, and I couldn’t even talk to him because I thought he was so cute, and he smelled so good, so I just stared straight ahead at the peanuts and pretended like I was deeply concerned with the nutritional value of cashews versus almonds, and didn’t move for like five minutes while he was in the aisle near me. Is that a good grocery store experience?

I hope this was helpful.

-Bone Junior

I felt so witty and clever and was sure that Dennis would have no response to my cleverness. However, not five minutes later, I received the following response:

Bone Junior -

EXCELLENT! Next time, try knocking the bottle of peanuts off on the floors so it will break. Then the cute guy from your ward will come over to help and you can have a special “ice breaking moment” right there on aisle 9! Let me know how that works out for you!

I hope this was helpful.

Dennis

I think I dug my own grave on this one, because now every time I see Dennis, he asks if I've tried the peanut trick. He also told everyone at my work that I freeze like a deer in the headlights when I see a cute guy. Then all the married people point and laugh, and I forlornly walk away in shame, because they're right.

Where did my game go??

See? I Really CAN Keep a Secret!

To Barbie, Andi, Gloriana & Erin:

Proud Mama

There comes a time in every mama's life when they send their little baby chicks out into the world and hope they can swim. Wait... am I crossing my metaphors? I should've consulted the Master of Metaphoric Speech before I attempted this one.

My point being that my baby, Samuel, my sweet little mannequin head, was sent out in the world a few months ago with nothing more than a box full of packing peanuts and a head full of dreams of becoming something.

The first stop on his road to fast cars and freedom was Connecticut, after which he made his way across the country to California with G, securely strapped into the back windshield of her car. This morning, I was thrilled to see that Samuel has made a second stop in Tejas. I'm not sure if my little heart can handle much more joy. He wanted to see the world, go places, and experience all that a caveman head could experience. His dreams were too big for an office in Orem. Now, thanks to UPS, his dreams have come true. I’ve never seen him happier than he is in those photos.

In honor of the fact that he is about to become an international tourist *keeping my fingers crossed* I thought I'd share my last memory of Samuel.
Samuel's last stunt in Utah, as the Bizarro Compass that always faced south. One of my bosses walked into his office to find this gruesome sight. Then he yelped like a little girl.

IN MEMORIAM

Somewhere in Oregon circa 2005. R.I.P. Suzie-Kin, even though you got your face melted and scratched off in a parking lot.

Do Not Trust Me With Your Pets

Last weekend was exhausting, to say the least. Being the token single person in my group of friends, I was double-booked as a pet-sitter. I was staying at Lezlie's house to watch her boxer, Rosie; and also was stopping in at Ryan & Erin's house to feed Chuck.

This is the third time I've dog-sat for Lezlie, who is convinced that I don't actually stay at her house because she can find no evidence of human hair on the bathroom floor or in the shower when she comes back. (In my own defense, I cannot stand the sight or feel of stray hairs on the bathroom floor, so I take care to clean up after myself.) I warned her that next time I'm going to leave a Dreaded Double Dookie floating in her toilet just to prove that I was there.

I love staying with Rosie. She is sweet and cuddly and adorable, and really easy to watch. Lez and Mike only give me two rules to follow: 1. No looking at porn on Mike's computer, and 2. No stealing cowboy hats. Easy enough. But every time I've dog-sat, something has happened, and each time, I feel like Lez will never trust me again to be with her dog. For example, last time Rosie got all these weird cuts and scratches on her muzzle. I swore to them that I wasn't scraping Rosie's face with a fork, but deep down, I think they weren't quite sure...

I thought this time I'd get away clean with no mishaps, but then on Sunday, I noticed that Rosie's eye looked a little swollen. She was rubbing her face on the carpet and scratching a lot, and I figured she'd just gotten stung by something - no big deal, right? I even put an ice pack on her eye to help with the swelling. Lez was coming back the next day, so I really didn't think too much of it.

In the meantime, later that day I went to check on Chuck, but Chuck was nowhere to be found. I walked through the house calling him in a high-pitched "Mow mow!!! Mister Chuckles! Mister Chuckney! Mow mow moowwwwww!" but he never came out. Just then, the neighbors upstairs kindly informed me that they had seen Chuck OUTSIDE on Saturday and that he'd run into the woods. Great. Apparently, the door to the garage had been left open and that's how Chuck had escaped. So he'd been living in the wild for 2 days before I knew that he was gone.

For those of you who don't realize the seriousness of my situation at this point, let me elaborate. Chuck is like a child to Ryan and Erin. Any time they go out of town, I'm Chuck sitting. He is more pampered and needy than most small children that I know, but I love Chuck. Even more than that, Erin and Ryan LOVE Chuck, and if anything happened to him on my watch, I'd probably have to give them my first born son, and even that wouldn't come close to making up for the loss of Chuck. Even if my first born was named Chuck and then given to them, it wouldn't come close.

After a painful phone call to Erin (who didn't belive me that Chuck was gone, and actually started to get mad because "Do you think this is funny?!?!?") I dragged myself home, feeling like a failure. Actually, I drove myself home and stopped for a Slurpee on the way, proving once again that I have no soul. I fell onto Lez's luxurious new chaise lounge and finished watching the Eagles game, feeling crappier and crappier by the second.

So I did what I always do when I screw up - I called my level headed, always-rational sister and cried to her while I simultaneously drowned my sorrows in a Burger King milkshake. But before you shed a tear for poor Chuck, rest assured that he did come home that night after Erin & Ryan came back. When I told my level headed, always-rational sister the good news, she said, "I told you so. Chuck's too spoiled to ever become feral." Thanks, Bone Senior.

On Monday, I scoured Lez's house for any rogue hairs and packed up my stuff to leave. They weren't going to be home until 7pm, but I figured that Rosie would be OK while I was at work, and I wouldn't need to go back over. Her eye still looked a little swollen, but she wasn't acting weird or anything, so I wrote a note telling Lez that I'd spent all weekend looking at porn on Mike's computer and also that I'd stolen some hole-y socks. In the note, I also mentioned Rosie's swollen eye, and that it might be an allergic reaction to the corn dogs I'd fed her. And I always sign my notes, "Seacrest out."

Lez called me on their way back from the airport, and I, being the responsible pet-sitter that I am, informed her of the eye situation, but told her that I didn't think it was a big deal. She said she'd call me after they got home and let me know how Rosie looked.

An episode of Prison Break, and two episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia later, I was listening to a somber voicemail message from Lez: "Sair" (we have cool, one-syllable nicknames for eachother) "It's Lez....we're at the vet with Rosie now, the vet says she was bitten by a black widow spider. She's going to be OK, we're just lucky we got her here in time."

While I tried to swallow my tremendous guilt, I called and texted Lez but she never answered. I was panicked and texted that I would pay for the vet bill, and I was so so sorry, etc. So I called Erin and cried to her about what a terrible pet-sitter I was because I lost Chuck and I almost killed Rosie, and where was I going to find another hair stylist because surely Lezlie wouldn't do my hair anymore after I almost killed her dog, and on and on and on. Many sniffles and snot bubbles later, I had cried myself to sleep on my Elvis pillow. Because I was responsible for the near-death of a dog and I had to find a new hair stylist.

Before you shed a tear for poor me, rest assured that there is a happy ending to this sad tale. I woke up at 6:30 the next morning to a text message from Lezlie: "We didn't think you would believe us, Mike thought it would be funny to play a joke on you."

Well.

How do you like them apples?? I blame it all on Mike.

Sure we laugh about it now, and we spent a good few hours hanging out that night with Mike and Lez, laughing about it. More like laughing at me for being such a sensitive crybaby about it. They said they felt really bad, and when I told Lez that I had cried myself to sleep, she said, "Awwwww! You cried because you love Rosie and you were worried about her!"

You'd cry too if you thought you had to find a new hair stylist.