Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Part 1: Mischief Night

Since no one out here knows what Mischief Night is, and I couldn't convince anyone to go toilet papering with me, (although I had several offers to egg McBicep's cars) I decided to make good use of the most awesome Halloween costume ever, and went to a party.

I made myself a huge hit at the party by making a huge spectacle of myself on the dance floor. I could dance as dirty as I wanted to, and everyone just laughed because check out that Teletubby that's dirty dancing.
Early on, my wildest fantasy came true. Me surrounded by sweaty Elvises.
Me and good old case you didn't know, Abe and I go way back...

...three years back, to be exact. That's me sneaking in behind President Lincoln during his speech because they were going to make me pay to get a picture with him. Looks like I got my picture after all.

This is going to be my Christmas card this year.

Elvis butts drive me nuts.

I don't care how floppy and lopsided my costume head is; those shiny tights are fantastic.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Hope G Forgives Me...

...but I just had to post these pictures.

I got an email from G tonight that said, "This is how I look when I miss you", with this picture attached:
After I stopped laughing, I couldn't help but think of another Sad Friend picture from nearly a year ago:
I have the best friends.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

This Hits Below the Belt

A survey has found that the city of Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States. The city of more than 1.5 million people is also said to be among the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly.

Hey! We're not just fat - we're ugly, too


Philadelphia has the ugliest people in the country, according to Travel & Leisure Magazine.

Of the 25 major American cities ranked by citizen attractiveness, Philadelphia finished dead-last.

According to 60,000 respondents to the magazine's online survey, Philadelphians are slightly more repulsive than Washingtonians (24), Dallasites (23) and San Antonions (22) but way uglier than Miamians (1), San Diegoans (2) and Charlestonians (3).

"This is the city of Fabian and Frankie Avalon and Grace Kelly," said City Councilman Frank DiCicco. "Are they saying we've morphed into ugly people over the last few decades?Somebody's drinking something out there."

DiCicco took issue with Travel and Leisure ranking Miami's beautiful people No. 1.

"My oldest son, the dentist, had a condo in Miami so I've been to South Beach a few times," he said. "Most people are walking around in thongs so everybody looks good there. But who can tell who lives there and who's just visiting? We have cold weather here so we're walking around for months with our noses running and our cheeks red and fur caps on our heads. How can you see what we look like under all that clothing?"

"They've got to be kidding!" said Councilman Darrell Clarke. "South Beach? How do we compete with that? I mean, give me a break!"

Rick Vopper, senior stylist at the Adolf Biecker Spa/Salon on Rittenhouse Square, where he has been "enhancing the natural beauty" of Philadelphians for 31 years, said: "I'm going to disagree with the idea of ugly Philadelphians. I think we're much more diverse, more multicultural with our appearance than the synthetically pretty people in South Beach."

Frank Farley, a psychologist at Temple University, said: "People may perceive Miami to be a younger, hard-body city and Philadelphia to be an older, stodgy, historic place with a lot of losing sports teams. Did I say that? I didn't say that. The missing ingredient is reality. When I walk around Center City or the campus of Temple University, there are attractive people all over the place. It's a melting pot. It's vibrant. It's beautiful. The beauty they should be looking for is the beauty of diversity."

"Miami's gross," said Leslie Rooney, 22, of Northeast Philadelphia. "I think Miami's the dirtiest city I've ever been to. Even the people in Miami, they were pretty hit-or-miss."

Victoria Morillo, 31, of North Philadelphia said: "It's disappointing to see that Philadelphia was ranked [last]. I mean, besides the stereotypes that we're, like, the fattest city, we eat all the cheesesteaks and stuff, there's still some good-looking people up in here."

Fred Glick, 51, of Center City said, "If Minneapolis [No. 8] beat us, it's because the [magazine] guy went around with cute girls there, because they're all born blond with blue eyes there. Maybe it's something against brunettes and redheads. I hope we're closer to the top of the list for brains. It's more important."

Philadelphians ranked 14th for intelligence, handily beating Miami (23rd) - but, alas, those blond, blue-eyed Minneapolitans ranked second.

Full results of the survey can be seen here.
When I read that story, I just had to laugh. I'm the cryin-on-the-inside kinda clown. But riddle me this, Travel & Leisure: How can the city with the ugliest people produce someone this cute:

Buck up, Little Bone Junior from 25 years ago. When you grow up and decide to live in a culture of blond haired - blue eyed idiot stick figures with no souls, remember that you have "the beauty of diversity." Let this be the light that guides you through the dark days when you lose the biggest bet of your life and you are stripped of your pride in the form of an Eagles decal.

And then have another cheesesteak.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Why My Sister is Da Bomb Dot Com

Thanks to Bone Senior, my blog banner has been updated to reflect some of the things I love most: Rocky, The Eagles, and purple. I understand that Rocky wears neither purple boxing gloves, nor a McNabb jersey, but it's my blog so I can do what I want.

I'm hoping that by changing the energy and flow of my blog, I can change the Eagle's tendency to suck, and thereby spare myself some shame come Monday.

In the meantime, to distract myself from the panic heart palpitations I've been experiencing when I think about everything I have to lose if the Eagles lose tomorrow (deep breath), I'm getting ready for a day of retail therapy. One of the Hollywood Video's is closing and selling everything, so I'm hoping to score a VHS copy of The Monster Squad and settle the Wolfman-gnards debate once and for all.

I really hope at least one person gets that reference.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Tag I'm It...So's Your Face

I have been tagged and must share 6 facts/habits about myself (6 for each time you are tagged by someone). Then I too must tag someone(or as many people as I wish) and leave a comment on their blog to notify them, and then they get to leave info about themselves and proceed to tag someone else. It is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Here it goes:

Fact #1 - Today I am wearing a velvet Elvis shirt. That is, a shirt with Elvis' face on it, and his face is made of velvet.

Fact #2 - I have offered to let many mens feel the velvet Elvis (which is strategically centered over my Junior's), but all declined. I choose to believe they declined not because my Junior's are not desireable, but because they value their jobs.

Fact #3 - Every girl I've seen today has felt the velvet Elvis, and by default, my Junior's.

Fact #4 - This is the weekend that will determine my mood for the next week. If the Eagles lose on Sunday, I will need people to come spoon-feed me ice cream, as I will not be getting out of bed until Monday morning.

Fact #5 - Because "apparently" no one in Utah cares about the Eagles and the game isn't being broadcast out here unless you have NFL Sunday Ticket and the only person I know who has NFL Sunday Ticket is a boy that I refer to as Bennefir because, really there's no explanation needed, suffice it to say that he bugs the hell out of me and I'm not willing to lower my standards by hanging out with him just to watch the game; my broheim and I are traveling 30 miles north on Sunday to a sports bar to watch the game.

Fact #6 - Bone Senior and Li'l Mil will be here in exactly ten days and I. Cannot. Wait.

So there you have it. Six fascinating facts about yours truly. I'm tagging Bone Senior, G, Erin, Andi Curb Your Passion, Barbie, Hey Mikki You So Fine, and Yanaj. Have at it!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I Am Whatever Candy that Makes Your Mouth Happy

Today is International Disturbed People's Day. But I'll get back to that in a minute.

Last night, Yanaj came home from class to find me sitting at our kitchen bar, eating chips and homemade salsa (thank you, excavator). She walked in and gave me this look:
Now, that's not the look I normally get from Yanaj when she gets home. It's the look I get when she sees me and there are no words, lit'rally. Please to enjoy the view from Yanaj's perspective:I don't think there's anything I can say that will add to the story, except to tell you that wearing that costume makes my mouth happy. Even if it's really hot and I had to take it off because I got really sweaty from running and sliding on the floor and I started to feel light headed.

Which brings me back to International Disturbed People's Day...and we've come full circle.

Post-posting update: I was showing this picture to a guy that I work with and telling him how much I love my new costume.

Bone Junior: It's really great except for the triangle on top of the head. It's supposed to stand straight up and it just keeps flopping down.

Co-worker: That's what she said.

I totally walked into that one.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Of All the Times to Think About Chevy Chase

Today I was called in to be part of a meeting that dealt with finances. I thought I could sit there unnoticed, but when they started throwing out percentages and fancy words like "gross profit" and "overhead", I knew I was in over my head. I didn't even know why I was supposed to be there.

I managed to blend in pretty well, pretending to take notes and looking like I was extremely interested in what was being discussed. I was nodding at all the right times and banging my fist on the table with everyone else. I also crossed and uncrossed my legs several times, and observed many important points. These are the things I was thinking about when I was supposed to be paying attention:

1. I was the only female in the room;
2. I was the only person under age 35;
3. I was the only person without a spouse and/or kids;
4. I was the only person who didn't have blue eyes;
5. I was the tannest person in the room;
6. I also had the best legs in the room;
7. And I still had no idea why I was part of this meeting.

I made it about halfway through the meeting before my boss called me out.

Boss: What do you think, Bone Junior?

My eyes flickerd to the white board, which in the last few minutes of my daydreaming had become cluttered with numbers, figures, decimal points and dollar signs. I had no idea what we were talking about.

In that moment, an old SNL skit came to mind - one where Chevy Chase was playing a candidate in a presidential debate, and he was sweating profusely as the host rattled off an elaborate and complicated question. In that moment, the only thing I could think to say was what Chevy Chase said:

Bone Junior: Um, it was my understanding that there would be no math involved...

Blink blink.

It was the longest few seconds of my life as I waited for everyone to catch on that I was trying to be funny, and finally, the conference room erupted in laughter and the discussion moved on to the smarter people as I continued to write "Mrs. Lincoln Burrows" on my notepad.

Score one for The Bone as another bullet is dodged and my facade as a smarty lives on.

Friday, October 12, 2007

I Should Probably Stop...

...but I just can't. A challenge of this magnitude is bigger than my will to back down. ESPECIALLY when it comes to the Eagles.

Temporary tattoos are now involved, with the winner choosing placement of said tattoos on the loser's body. I heard the Landscaper has always wanted an Eagles helmet tattooed on his forehead. (Pronounced farhead, can I get an amen, Bone Senior?)

But now, other people are starting to get involved. People I didn't even know were Bears fans. Please to enjoy my email smack-talk correspondance with Hizznizzle:

Hizznizzle: How can I get in on this? You name your price. Mine if you will let me in on this and when the DA'BEARS win is, I get to be there when you bow down and and admit the Eagles do indeed suck. Let me know.

Bone Junior: Hmmm...this could get interesting. Part of the Landscaper's deal is that IF (and that's a big IF) the Eagles lose, then I'm supposed to round up all the people who hate my Eagles sticker to be there on the jobsite when he collects on his bounty. That could include you, and all the superintendents here who call it a "chicken hawk". But hey, I always welcome a challenge, so anything you'd like to add, BRING IT!

(I feel a little retarded for myself when I see that I actually used the phrase "Bring it". But hey, at least I didn't say TTYL. Can I get another amen, Bone Senior??)

Hizznizzle: Well then, I can’t say that I “hate” your chicken hawk (btw, love the slander to your sticker so I will be using it from now on), but if part of your bet is rounding up anyone who would enjoy seeing it peeled off, then by matter of technicality it is your obligation to not chincer-cheet on the bet and tell me when this will be happening. Otherwise, if you don’t tell me you therefore are not holding up your end of the deal. So I don’t have to necessarily bet anything and I will get to be there for the festivities.


If the bet doesn’t include you having to let “anyone” be there to see you kneel before a BEARS fan and publicly denounce your chickenhawks, then a wager must be made so that when the BEARS win I will get to be there for that. So what is equal to me being able to be there with video camera in hand to watch you get your knees dirty (awesome) and cry out to the football gods that the eagles to indeed suck?

I welcome all offers.

Bone Junior: WHEN the Eagles win and the Bears fan (or should I say FANS, as you are now part of this crowd that will have to bow down before me and get YOUR knees dirty) announces to the world (and the job site) that the Eagles rock out with their you-know-what's out, it will be taking place on Monday October 22, at lunch time on the job site. This is going to be the sweetest victory ever. And I already plan to have a video camera handy, and said video will be posted on my blog for all to enjoy. The world loves a crying Bears fan.

Get your knee pads ready.

Hizznizzle: Let’s back up here. This bet is between you and Landscaper. As part of your bet with Landscaper it is your duty to let anyone know who would like to be there to witness you eating crow and where and when it will be done. So if by some divine intervention the chicken hawks should pull a win out the clutches of a far better and superior team then it will be Landscapers knees and his alone that will be getting dirty as you and I have yet come to an arrangement between us as to what our bet would be.

So scabby knees, like I stated in my previous email. I welcome all offers as to what you have in mind. And you didn’t address my previous question as to whether or not all and any are allowed to witness only the peeling of the chicken hawk or the bowing down of one disgraced fan as well.

Who here thinks I should make Hizznizzle join the Landscaper on his knees?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

In Which I Bend Over and Prepare to Take It Up the Tailpipe

Before I get to the part about me bending over and bracing myself, it has to be said that most of the kids I interact with on a day-to-day basis remind me of why I'm not ready to have kids right now. It's really the most effective form of birth control out there.

But this is one of the kids that makes me feel like one day I'd like to squeeze out a few of my own. Maybe. The fact that he went around for hours with his cheeks full of sausage makes him a cool kid in my book. And his mama is pretty cool too, which is why it was so fun to spend some time with them on their recent trip here.
Juneyah, k*t, and Chayton with cheeks full o' sausage.

And now, on to the exciting news.

As an Aries, I should know when to stop. Because I'm an Aries and also a middle child, I usually don't, and it usually gets me in trouble. Case in point, the latest bet I've made with the landscaping supervisor.

To know me is to know how much I love the Eagles. To know the Landscaper is to know how much he loves the Bears. As soon as I learned this, I smelled the bet a-brewin. It started out simple enough - if the Bears win, I buy his crew donuts. When the Eagles win, he buys my guys donuts.

But for "some reason" (read: I'm stubborn, extremely competitive, bull-headed, and put an unhealthy amount of faith and optimism in the Eagles), I just couldn't stop there. In my own defense, the Eagles had just completely smashed the Lions, so I was feeling pretty confident in their ability to beat the Bears.

So what are the stakes now? I'll start by telling you what happens if the Eagles win:

-Landscaper buys donuts for my guys;

- Landscaper gets down on his knees in front of me on the jobsite and says, "The Bears suck and the Eagles are the best";

- Landscaper wears my McNabb jersey, Eagles Fan Mask, and Eagles beanie on the jobsite;

-Landscaper sings the Eagles fight song and does my special accompanying dance on site, and by "my special accompanying dance", I mean the dance that takes place when my Eagles pizza cutter plays the fight song and I have to drop whatever I'm doing and perform my self-created synchronized arm movements;

- Back windshield of Landscaper's truck becomes my canvas to decorate with Eagles decals and flags as I see fit, to be kept in place for one week;

- Landscaper puts his Bears jersey up for auction on eBay;

- I maintain bragging rights on behalf of the Eagles for the rest of the season, regardless of how badly they suck.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right? I stand to gain a lot; most important being that I get to humiliate the landscaper on site, in front of many construction workers, thus earning me the respect I really deserve.

However, I stand to lose even more if the Eagles continue on their path to self-destruction. Takes deep breath. If the Eagles lose:

- I buy donuts for Landscaper's crew;

- I get down on my knees in front of Landscaper on the jobsite and say, "The Eagles suck and the Bears are the best";

- I wear Landscaper's Bears jersey and beanie on the jobsite;

- Next time I go back to Philadelphia, I wear Landscaper's Bears hoodie and beanie and take a picture in front of the Rocky statue;

- I put my Eagles pizza cutter up for auction on eBay;

- Landscaper gets to remove this for a week:

He only gets to take off the license plate frame - the "I'm Hot" plates stay.

And this, my friends, is where it really starts to hurt.

If the Eagles lose, Landscaper gets to take a razorblade to this:

And replaces it with a Bears decal for a week.

I believe his exact words were, "Your car's behind is mine for a week." In which case, I will look like this:

Never before have I made such a prideful bet, risking things that mean so much to me. I will cry if that decal comes off. Lit'rally.

D-Day is October 21.

Pray for the Eagles.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Why I'm the Coolest Aunt Ever

The best part about being an aunt is spoiling this guy and making sure he's raised on the Eagles.

Home is Where Your Sister Lets You Dress Her Baby Like a Hotdog

When I woke up at my sister's place on Friday morning, she was laying Li'l Mil next to me. I took one look at him and said, "I'm putting you in the hot dog costume!"What is an Aunt Sashie for if not to force her nephew into awesome costumes? Lest you think I'm nothing more than a shameless costume-pushing aunt, I did bring other gifts for the little guy.

This is Li'l Mil on the blanket I made him, being forced to snuggle with Fat Dragon, which I got at the State Fair.

This is Li'l Mil showing Fat Dragon who's boss in round 2 of WWF: Baby vs. Animal.

And this, is the pride of my heart.

My little nephew in one of the Eagles onesies I got him.

This is what happens when I ask Bone Senior to smile real nice-like so I can get a cute picture of Li'l Mil in his Eagles onesie.

Bone Senior and I also enjoyed a brush with fame when we went to eat at the G-Lodge, which has been re-named for M. Night Shyamalan's next film, The Happening. M. Night himself, Marky Mark, and John Leguizamo were there a few weeks ago filming and the owner of the G-Lodge decided to keep the sign up. Bone Senior and I had a good laugh listening to the owner re-enact the scenes that were filmed there.

So next June, when everyone goes to see The Happening, remember these pictures. Apparently there's a very climatic scene that takes place here, where some guy who looks like Newman from Seinfeld says, dramatically, "At the. Dead. Center."

This is what happens when I ask Bone Senior to pose in front of the restaurant.

This is what happens when I ask Bone Senior to take a picture of me that shows the restaurant sign.

Apparently, when I said "the restaurant sign", Bone Senior thought that meant "Bone Junior's hot bod and my new Scion."

And this is what happens when I buy a bad-a Eagles mask and Bone Senior puts it on.