Saturday, October 21, 2006

No Bones About It: The Prestige

Did anyone doubt that I'd be seeing The Prestige on opening night? I'd been looking forward to it for months. Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, David Bowie - what's not to like?

I'll tell you what's not to like - being late to the movie and sitting in the very back row on the far side, sitting next to the loudest nose breather on the planet who spends two and a half hours scratching the swishily-clad back of his companion and simultaneously usurping all of the arm space between us.

Let me break it down. I love going to the movies, and I like things to be a certain way when I'm at the movies. A good seat is priority, which in my mind, justifies getting to the theater an hour early on opening night to make sure. None of my friends grasp the importance of getting a good seat, so we're almost never there as early as I'd like to be. (And yes, I've accepted and embraced the fact that I'm anal. Bless the dear little hearts of the friends who tolerate it.)

While we arrived at the movie early, apparently we weren't early enough, as the only available seats were in the very back. I love the annoyed looks on people's faces when I ask if that seat is taken, because it's the same look I give people. I don't like to sit next to anyone other than my friends, so I don't blame them.

I was lucky enough to be seated next to the number-one-all- time-most-super-in-love- couple in Utah. The way they sat in eachother's laps was nasueatingly precious, and I could have ignored it if not for the intermittant jabs to the ribs I got as they shifted spooning positions.

And then the breathing started. I don't know how this man managed to breathe without shooting snot rockets with every exhale. I really don't know - I tried to mimic his forceful breathing technique and ended up with dribbles of snot. He sounded like he was having an asthma attack and his mouth was sewn shut. I literally plugged my left ear to try and enjoy the previews. I was still determined to enjoy myself.

I managed to momentarily forget about the nose breather, and in that moment, that one blissfully quiet moment, the back scratching / vigorous rubbing started. I'd just like to say thank you to K-Mart for still selling Members Only jackets - you know, the really swishy, noisy kind? Have you ever tried to focus on something when the only thing you can hear is the swish-swish-swish of a back scratching near you?

And let's not forget the periodic slurpy kisses that were being exchanged, at which points the nose breathing became so unbearable that all I could do was shock them with my full-head-turn-straight-on-dagger-eyes. I became so distracted that my mind began rehearsing all the different scenarios of me going Pompei all over Wonder Nostrils.

Here's a thought: if you're a couple that is so in love that you can't stand to keep your hands or mouths off eachother for more than eighteen seconds at a time, then perhaps the movies isn't the place for you. Save it for Sacrament meeting.


Scratch Subtle said...

Soooooo . . . what did you think of the movie??

HPLuvr said...

Suddenly my too loud slurpy eating of sour gummi bears doesn't seem so bad does it?! Besides, there is always the chance of sitting next to the most super-in-love-couple-in-Texas when we watch it here. Here's to hoping.

Andi Mae said...

Slayed, once again. I am honestly surprised that after giving him the laser-eye, you didn't ask if he needed to blow his nose and then offer his girlfriend's jacket.

Are you going to post Part Deux and talk about the movie? I am dying to see it, but will most likely have to rent it. And on that note, do you know when the next Batman movie is coming out?

Bone Junior said...

I'll probably wait to write Part Deux until after next weekend, when I can see it again in Houston! And actually focus on the movie this time...from what I've read, its supposed to be even better the 2nd time around.
As for the next Batman, "The Dark Knight" is slated to begin production early next year, and be in full release sometime in 2008...good thing we've got other movies to give us our Bale fix until then.

barb said...

Members only? I don't get that. Because you don't have to be a member of anything to wear them... (puzzled looks).

the queen said...

and that my dear is why I have stopped going to the movie theater. That and the sucky purple porno seats, refurbishing our one and only local theater. Oh, I guess I haven't properly introduced myself. Hello. Found my way here by a link three times removed (my sister to my cousin to her friend). You are way funny and I shall enjoy reading you often. (hint hint, can you blog daily. That would be great, thanks. HA HA).

hizznizzle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
hizznizzle said...

sarah---maybe you are just jealous that you don't have a members only jacket and a boyfriend with a breathing problem. think about it