Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Put That In Your Pipe

So now that the Baby Bone news is out and I'm going to be Aunt Bone Junior, I've decided to begin cracking open my eggs of knowledge for everyone to benefit from. Three important things I've learned this week:

1. If on Sunday night you have really bad rotten egg gas and you stifle it with a fleece Elvis blanket so that no one else will smell it, on Tuesday night everyone in the room will smell the really bad rotten egg gas that has been stifled under the blanket when you lift it up off the floor. Hypothetically. And then the blanket will no longer be known as the Elvis blanket, it will be called the Stinky Fart blanket. Also hypothetically.

2. If on Sunday morning you tell a guy online that you're craving french toast and boysenberry jam, on Wednesday afternoon you might receive a FedEx package from Texas filled with french toast and boysenberry preserves. Seriously, the coolest package I've ever gotten. I think I'm going to frame the french toast.... or do I eat it and salmonella be damned? I'll keep you posted.

3. Apparently, the following Baby Bone name suggestions are not OK: Milton Bazookashorts Milmont, Exploding Bone Soldier Milmont, Ferdinand Hammertoe Milmont, Foghorn Kilimanjaro Milmont, Rusty Tuberculosis Milmont, and Paul.

In other office hijinks news, you all probably know by now that I work for a construction company. Our sales & marketing guy, Dennis, recently sent out the following company-wide email:

Superintendents/Project Managers:

If you have any grocery store experience at all, will you please email me the name of the project, location, and your role in the project? I am trying to get prequalified for some grocery store work and need this information. Your prompt response would greatly appreciated.


I promptly responded with the following run-on sentence:

Dennis –

Having been a single person all my life, I feel like I have vast grocery store experience. One time, I went to Smith’s with my roommate, and we were standing in front of the peanuts when this guy from my ward walked around the corner, and I had a huge crush on him at the time, and I couldn’t even talk to him because I thought he was so cute, and he smelled so good, so I just stared straight ahead at the peanuts and pretended like I was deeply concerned with the nutritional value of cashews versus almonds, and didn’t move for like five minutes while he was in the aisle near me. Is that a good grocery store experience?

I hope this was helpful.

-Bone Junior

I felt so witty and clever and was sure that Dennis would have no response to my cleverness. However, not five minutes later, I received the following response:

Bone Junior -

EXCELLENT! Next time, try knocking the bottle of peanuts off on the floors so it will break. Then the cute guy from your ward will come over to help and you can have a special “ice breaking moment” right there on aisle 9! Let me know how that works out for you!

I hope this was helpful.


I think I dug my own grave on this one, because now every time I see Dennis, he asks if I've tried the peanut trick. He also told everyone at my work that I freeze like a deer in the headlights when I see a cute guy. Then all the married people point and laugh, and I forlornly walk away in shame, because they're right.

Where did my game go??


Tarable said...

Ha ha ha... I would have been equally confused.

I put a link on my blog to your site - hope you don't mind. My friends think I'm funny, damn they're gonna LOVE you!

g said...

Bonr Jr. I look up to you- no really- I aspire to be as funny as you are- but alas. I do not have as much funny in my whole body as you do just in you pinky finger. It makes me forlorn. You are one of the few people who makes me pee a little when I read your blog- and when I say few I mean 1 of 3. that's pretty good odds wouldn't you say? I find my self giggling with glee and anticipation when I see that you have posted a And if that makes me your stalker then so be it....

Anonymous said...

They make peanut bottles out of ice?

Andi Mae said...

Caution- don't eat the French toast...if it really is French, there's a good chance it didn't put it's deodorant on. And that would NOT be tasty NOR wonderful.