The Shoulder Bone's Connected to the....Something Bone

For today's post, I thought I'd update the world about my frustration with doctors and medicine (no offense Barbie). I've been dealing with awful pain in my right shoulder for almost seven months now. For seven months and several doctor's appointments, the only advice I've gotten is to take ibuprofen. Thanks, Doc, I hadn't considered that option, how silly of me. NOW I understand why I pay outrageous insurance premiums and co-pays.

Finally after all these months of telling them that ibuprofen isn't helping, and I STILL can't lift my arm above my head, the Docs decided to take more x-rays and point at them with pointy things while I sit on in pain. Apparently, something about the x-rays tells them that I have calcified tendinitis and something called impingement.


I don't really know what that means, but if the illustrations show us anything, its that having impingement causes you to look like a Nazi-skinhead-mannequin who wears his skeleton on the outside of his skin. Impingement also forces you to heil Hitler and gives you dead, dead eyes.

Let's take a look at what else I learned about my shoulder condition, shall we?





I love the pictures of the people demonstrating just how painful it is. Look at this lady - it's obvious that she's not faking it. My advice to her would be to take some ibuprofen.





Now this lady clearly has a much more serious problem. My advice to her would be to stop doing the Arsenio Hall "whoop whoop", and also to stay away from whatever radioactive material she's been playing with. Also, those stripes just aren't doing anything for her.

This guy is my favorite. His pain is so intense that he has to use an oversized rubberband just to hold his arm on. And he's too ashamed to show his face - can you blame him? He probably uses one of those voice changers when he talks, so that no one knows who he is, like the interviews on A Current Affair. Scary stuff.

What we have learned here today is that shoulder pain is no joke. It's so unfunny, in fact, that I allowed the Docs to stab me with a syringe full of cortisone which has so far only numbed my entire arm, except for where it hurts. Another amazing medical breakthrough.