Thursday, November 23, 2006

How to Spend Thanksgiving Alone

If you ever find yourself alone at Thanksgiving and unable to attend anyone else's feast because you have to work an 8 1/2 hour shift dead smack in the middle of the day like I did this holiday, here are some suggestions to help pass the time.

- Watch the four-hour "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team" marathon on CMT, and cry a little when Kallie gets cut because "No one will work harder for ya'll!"

- Pee your pants half a dozen times when the yippy little rat terrier you're dog-sitting follows you around and scares the crap out of you because he's too small and yippy to even be detected in your peripheral vision.

- Catch up on all your TiVo'd shows from the week (Prison Break, Heroes, Studio 60, America's Next Top Model...)

- Carefully weigh the consequences of punting the yippy little rat terrier you're dog-sitting off your balcony.

- Decide that you're going to gain a deeper appreciation for Thanksgiving and embark upon a three hour PBS special about the pilgrims. Abandon that idea after about five minutes.

- Get away from the yippy little rat terrier you're dog-sitting and spend two hours enjoying the flat screen TV and surround sound system at the home of the two boxer - Great Dane mixes you're also dog-sitting.

- Spend a collective fifteen minutes wiping dog drool off your leg while simultaneously trying to convince a 100-pound dog that he's too big to fit in your lap.

- Attempt to play in the yard with said dogs and then decide against it after being charged full-speed and knocked to the ground twice by both dogs at the same time.

- Take some cute pictures of the sweetest dogs you know and try not to think about the yippy little rat terrier waiting for you at home.

- Plan out your Black Friday shopping spree that starts at 4:00 A.M.

- Listen to a Christmas song on the radio about how Santa fell in love once too.

- Go to work and try not to punch the social worker on duty when you hear that damn Beatles song about simply having a wonderful Christmas time.

- Add another talley to your Feliz Navidad total.

- Stifle a laugh when your black neighbor offers to bring leftovers to you at work and asks if you like white meat or dark meat. Ask neighbor to bring you dark meat and a side of huge bald guy with biceps as big around as your head, because they just so happen to be roommates.

- Enjoy Thanksgiving feast, complete with Diet Pepsi from neighbor's trunk.

- Try some Viva egg-nog because you can't remember the last time you had egg-nog; and then quickly remember why you haven't had egg-nog since who knows when.

- And when all else fails to pass the time, blog about how you still can't talk to the huge bald guy with biceps as big as your head because your body simulates heroin withdrawals every time you see him.

Feliz Navidad Total: 9


Anonymous said...

but you weren't really alone. you're not alone. say it one more time->you're not alone. you are loved in ways that can't be shown... your needs are known...

you're not alone.

i just made that up myself. pretty good, eh?

g said...

aww- this post makes me feel so incredibly guilty- you have no idea. You should have said something to the room mate! He could hook you UP! See you in one day!

li'l mil said...

too bad you don't have a picture of being charged by both dogs at once... although the "white meat or dark meat?" is pricless!! i laughed my head off at that!

also, i'll enjoy some leftover pumpkin pie for you :) for breakfast. yummmm.

Anonymous said...

Janice Kapp Perry. (apply to Barb's post).

And I am so confused- were you dog sitting while watching TV all at the Keep Safe place, or whatever it's called.

I hope the biceps were tasty and also wonderful.

Erin said...

sarah i thought of you on my day of turkey eating. and I am feel your pain when it comes to that nastey little dog you have to watch. porter and duke look adorable too. see you in three days. love you

Scratch Subtle said...

Actually, your day sounds more entertaining than most. At least this year you didn't have to listen to someone elses extended family drone on for hours about a sweater that they all love while knowing that secretly they all hate it! Sayde likes chicken!