Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Caution! Food Smuggler Ahead!

I had a near death experience at the movies this weekend. I was approaching the concession stand in my brand new, high quality $2.50 flip flops from Old Navy, when a greasy butter stain appeared out of nowhere and caught me completely off guard.

I could've played if off very easily, but here's the thing about me: when I slip, stumble, trip, fall, or otherwise make an ass of myself, I seem to lose all control over my vocal capacities, and the most horrendous sounds are produced. Its the pefect blend of the TiVo "be boop" and a moose mating call, and it attracts the attention of everyone in a 90 foot radius.

Luckily, this time I escaped humiliation - sort of - by catching myself before I completely biffed it in the greasy butter, and holding myself in the spread-out sqaut position with arms extended to steady myself. Unfortunately, the TiVo Moose Mating Call had drawn attention to me, and I felt the need to defend myself by pointing out to everyone that there was greasy butter on the floor. I even made a big stink about it to the teenager behind the counter, pointing to the oil slick and raving like an old lady. "This is very dangerous! I almost broke my hip!" In return, I had a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign erected in my honor.

I think the real reason I felt the need to defend myself so vehemently is because had I actually fallen, I probably would've been thrown out of the theater for smuggling contraband food items. Normally, we hit the dollar store and stock up on Buncha Crunch before going to the movies, and sneaking in candy like that is no biggie. But it became a challenge for me to see how much I could actually fit in my purse, and Buncha Crunch just wasn't doing it for me anymore.

But this was to be the day that Fink beats the Stomach*. On this particular day, I felt like I was a drug mule attempting to achieve the ultimate smuggle. This day, I had a Subway hoagie and a box of Panda Express chinese food wrapped up in my huge purse. (Before you jump to conclusions, this food did not all belong to me. My partner in crime, however, "conveniently" forgot her "purse"...mmm hmmm.)

As a credit to my dexterity and finely tuned balance, I was able to maintain the secrecy of my stash, as well as my dignity. I also make no apologies to the other movie-goers who had to smell the Panda Express. Maybe next time they'll plan ahead and not have to salivate with jealousy.

* Bonus points to anyone who can correctly identify that movie reference...

8 comments:

Scratch Subtle said...

Why am I hearing about this from your blog??? You're supposed to report to me IMMEDIATELY when there is any incident involving slipping, falling, skidding, or flailing of any sort. Particularly when it results in a caution sign. And anyone who knows you well enough should know a Meatballs reference when they hear it.

HPLuvr said...

My only question is...what movie did you go and see?

barb said...

i once carried a large jug into the dollar movie filled with homemade strawberry shake for me and 3 others. i sewed a special extra large bag just for smuggling in movie goodies. now tell me i aint all that... plus a bag -0- chips.

p.s. that was in AI i think. good thing we had the shake or we might have walked out due to boredom and depression.

Anonymous said...

anonymous bone senior said...

MEATBALLS!! Bonus points for me and Scratch :)

And also, I think Babs officially set the gold standard for movie-food-smuggling with her homemade, lovingly stitched bag specifically for that purpose. I smell a Secret Santa Gift for Bone Junior!

Bone Junior said...

Hey now! My food sumggling paraphanalia was huge too, but not home made. It was a birthday present from Erin though, so does that give me extra bonus points? And the only reason I didn't use MY specially sewn Elvis purse was because I didn't want to tarnish it.

Anonymous said...

anonymous bone senior said...

was it the SHOE PURSE?!?? the one we put the kitty in?!? please say it was. that would be awesome. panda express in the shoe purse.

barb said...

eww, the one that had erin's filthy foot in it. gross.

Erin said...

thanks guys, I appreciate all the insults on bone junior's blog...filthy foot? whats that all about? and as if i would give the shoe purse as a gift... hello martha junior! and how come its okay to tarnish the gift I gave you but not the gift bone senior gave you? riddle me that.