Monday, January 01, 2007

No Bones About It: 2006 In Review

What a year in movies. As I look back fondly on 2006, I realized that of the 200 top grossing films of the year, I saw 93 of them, and that makes me feel a little retarded for myself. I saw some of them more than once. Some of them more than twice. One of them I saw four times, and it hasn't even hit the dollar theater yet, so I think I'll go a few more rounds with Daniel Craig before hanging up my spurs on that one.

Before you judge me on my addiction to cinematic adventure, allow me to remind you that I'm single and self-supported, so what else do I have to do?

So let's take a look back on the films that I loved, hated, and mocked incessantly.

The Good: You touched my heart in a tender way.

Invincible - You know a movie is going to be good when your boss takes everyone to see it on opening day. I saw it twice on opening day. I only wish that I had then what I have now: a pizza cutter that plays the Eagles fight song. Yes, its that awesome. This movie also proved my long-standing theory that the t-shirt was created for Mark Wahlberg. He doesn't just wear the tshirt - he beats that tshirt into submission until the seams stretch and scream with pain - the kind of pain that hurts so good. Then he tells that tshirt to make him a sandwich, and the tshirt asks, "Mayo or mustard, sir?"

Rocky Balboa - There's nothing like seeing it in Philadelphia. There's also nothing like the look on your step-mom's face when Rocky takes his shirt off in all of his sixty-year old splendor. And if you look closely, you just might spot Bone Junior in the end credits footage...

Superman Returns - I thought that this was going to be my new Batman Begins, and I had a brief yet torrid emotional love affair with Brandon Routh.

Mission Impossible 3 - I know Tom Cruise is a little bit of a wiener, ok a lot of a wiener, but I really liked this movie. I saw it twice on opening weekend, and that embarrasses me a little.

Inside Man - Hands down one of the best bank robbery movies I've ever seen. And Clive Owen is too tasty for his own good.

Dreamgirls - Best when seen in a theater full of chubby black ladies who shout "Yes Jesus!!" when Effie hits her high notes.

The Bad: For you, I had such high hopes. You equal twelve plus hours of my life that I will never get back.

The Suckhouse - The name says it all. Apparently my review ruined it for some people who were unable to focus on anything but Keanu Reeve's terrible sneezing and crying. Sorry.

Miami Vice - Don't ask. It looked hot. It was not.

Nacho Libre - I know, I know, everyone loved this movie. It had some funny parts, but it just didn't live up to the hype and I got really sick of hearing everyone quote the stretchy pants line.

The Break-Up - It was funny, and Jennifer Aniston is naseautingly cute, but I hated the ending. Sure it was realistic and blah blah blah, but I didn't like it.

The Holiday - Seriously, if I hadn't paid to see it, I would've walked out. The only saving grace was cute Kate Winslet and hot Jude Law, and Jack Black was OK too. Cameron Diaz bugged the hell out of me. So I guess Cameron Diaz was really the only thing I didn't like, and that ruined the whole thing for me.

The Awesomely Bad: You, I knew were a cheap thrill and a quick fix. You were my booty call.

Step Up - (Channing Tatum) Holy biceps. I saw it twice at the dollar theater and have since memorized the dance steps to the finale sequence, except my biceps aren't as big as his. This spawned a love of all things Channing Tatum, including She's The Man, So You Think You Can Dance, and oblique muscles.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Whoever the guy is, he's hot. Who am I kidding. I loved The Fast and the Furious, I loved 2 Fast 2 Furious even harder, and I died with love when I saw The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Just kidding. Kind of. Not really.

Harsh Times - (Christian Bale) If it didn't have Christian Bale in a wife beater for half the movie, I would've walked out.

Crank - (Jason Statham) I really love this British man, but he makes some really crappy movies. I just don't understand how a man so gorgeous can continually put out such crap. Though it didn't stop me from buying The Transporter parts one and two.

Annapolis - (James Franco, Tyrese, and lots of six packs.) That pretty much says it all. Wait, you didn't know this was a movie about boxing? Me neither. Its more about who can look better in a tight wet tshirt. I bet you didn't know that Donnie Wahlberg was in it either.

The Incredibly Hot: For you, I would set aside my morals for the night, and also I would slam you like a car door.

Casino Royale - (Daniel Craig, also starring Daniel Craig's bathing suit) My first James Bond movie awakened the beast of lust within me. Four times and counting, and I'm still not sick of it. Also brings back images of my encounter with huge bald guy with biceps as big around as my head. Ah, the memories.

The Departed - (Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg) I'm predicting Oscars for this one. In a nut shell, one of the most awesome movies I've seen this year. Definitely qualifies as one of The Good, but the hotness kind of wins out on this one.

The Prestige - (Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman) Better the second time around when I wasn't distracted by loud nose breathers and I could focus on the talent.

The New World - (Christian Bale and Collin Farrell) This one was hot, but so bad and boring that Nicole (who can sleep through anything) actually tried to sleep through it and couldn't. It was like one long Haiku that never ended. Why, Christian? Why?

Have I introduced you to my new boyfriend? It's getting pretty serious and I don't think I can live without him. His name is TiVo, and thanks to him, I haven't missed a single episode of any of my favorite shows this year.

On that note, I present to you, in order of amazingness, the shows that I'll pass up a booty call for.
1. Prison Break - After I got the first season on DVD, I was holed up in my room for a week straight, basking in the glory. And also crocheting. I'm counting down the days until January 22 when the season starts up again.
I had to post this picture because Yanaj is convinced that its impossible for Lincoln to ever button up his shirt...
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - With episode titles like "Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom", "The Gang Goes Jihad", and "Charlie Gets Molested", what's not to love?

3. Grey's Anatomy - Three years and still going strong. I'd like to take McSteamy into my sexual custody.

4. Heroes - I love me some Peter Petrelli, bangs and all.

5. The Office - You probably already knew this one was good.
That pretty much sums up my year in entertainment.
So long 2006, you have been good to me.


stupidramblings said...

Bone Jr., I don't know you. To my knowledge, we have never met, although the possibility is likely. I know you are from Philly, because I know your sis. When I watched Rocky Balboa, specifically the end credits, I saw someone and said to my self "self, that looks like Bone Jr." and then dismissed it because I don't really know what you look like.

Please tell me I spotted you and you weren't just making it up.

Erin said...

thank you for wrapping the year up in pretty sparkling wrapping paper and putting a big bow on it. Now I know which movies I want to rent.

but what about "the pursuit of happyness"? that was a good one...did you see that? or is washed from your memory because you were to close to the screen to remember it?

Jen said...

You have done a fabulous job of summing up the year in movies. There are a few things that I think are the highlights...Channing Tatum (yum!), Christian Bale, and James Bond's package! Thank you for posting that picture knowing that I can't even look at it without hyperventilating. You kill me!!!

g said...

I saw Bond for the second time the other night- it was even better than the first time. I think it was because I was sitting in between my mother and my sister and because of the audible collective sigh that came from the three of us when he's wearing that white linen shirt when he first arrives in the bahamas- you know the one- the one that you can see his tanned skin through? the one that makes me wish I wasn't Mormon and he wasn't married in the slightest off chance that we would ever meet and fall in love at first sight... ah yes- Daniel Craig is on "the list"