How to Make an Awesomely Bad Threequel about Underground Racing in Japan

I realize that I'm opening myself to insult and shame for admitting that I saw this movie, but its a risk I'm willing to take if it means that I can educate you on the finer points of cinematic entertainment.

In my defense, I waited to see this at the dollar theater, so give me some slack here. Also, the whole point of going was to make fun of it, so that's also in my favor.

Who am I kidding. I loved The Fast and the Furious, I loved 2 Fast 2 Furious even harder, and I died with love when I saw The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Just kidding. Kind of. Not really.

Let's start off with the good news - I have to admit, the driving stunts were pretty off the hizook. Or is it hizzle? Either way, it was definitely fun to watch. The driving scenes, that is. Everything in between seemed to exist only for me to make fun of.

Based upon this experience, I've compiled a check list of attributes that must be included if you want your movieaboutundergroundracinginjapan to be as much of a success as this one was.

- 25-year-old lead actor with massive tufts of chest hair playing a 17-year-old juvenile delinquent - check.

- Token Black character with the hook up to get you anything you want - check.

- Lead female character with an on-again off-again somewhat Asian accent and cheekbones that could shatter a windshield - check.

- All Asian characters speak English but have thick Japanese accents, except for "the smart one" with the trendy haircut, who speaks perfect English with no accent at all - check check.

- At least one Asian character with a really bad blonde dye job - check.

- Typical mob boss dressed like Dick Tracy - check.

- At least a dozen Asian hoochies in plaid mini-skirts and knee-highs - check check check check.

- A handful of unnecessary, uncomfortably extreme close-ups - check check check.

- At least one montage that includes all of the following: welding, lots of sparks flying, close-ups of boxes being opened to reveal the goods inside, two characters high-fiveing / bumping chests / patting fannies or anything to that effect, the complete transformation of a bumper and four wheels into an unbelievably shiny racing machine, and one bumpin' bass line - check.

- All main characters utilize only one facial expression: extreme anger and aggression (preferably the all-too-effective chin down / staring out the tops of your eyes) while gripping the steering wheel with Hulk-like strength and bulging veins, and karate-chopping kicks to the clutch while shifting with enough emphasis to catapult you down a ski slope - check.

- One bad-ace soundtrack featuring hooks from the token Black character and lyrics that use the title of the movie - CHECK.

So now that you know how to make your very own Awesomely Bad Threequel about Underground Racing in Japan, go forth and prosper. I know what I'll be doing this week...