Line Humping May Be Cause for Ejection From the Park

Last weekend, my sister (Bone Senior) was out in Utah for a day after driving cross-country with my brother. I thought, what better way to spend her 24 hours here than to take her to Lagoon, because apparently, Lagoon is where the fun starts. My company had given us discount tickets, and so at the peak of the day's hotness (3:00 pm), Bone Senior and I piled into the car along with our favorite marrieds (Ryan & Erin), and their sister Jenny.

I love amusement parks mainly because they give me the opportunity to scream like a little girl without a spider being present. I have a history of screaming - I love remembering the time I was asked to get off the hang-glider ride at the Strawberry Festival because I was screaming too much. The first time I told Nicole that story, I was met with a puzzled look, followed by a confused question: "They asked you to get off because you were screaming too much? Because you were having a good time??"

That's right, Nicole. The attendant said to me, "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to get off the ride - you're just having too much fun and its distracting the other riders." That's exactly why I love Nicole.

Amusement parks are like the mecca for Nascar fans and parkies in general. The lack of clothing is directly proportionate to the mass of the person - the bigger they are, the prouder they are to let it all hang out. For all these reasons, I love people-watching at the amusement park. There is, however, a dark cloud that loomed over my joy at Lagoon. And I think you all know what I'm talking about when I say it: line humpers.

What is it about waiting in line that makes people hang all over eachother like dogs in heat? What is it about being it 105 degree weather that makes couples cling and claw at eachother as if they're about to be separated for life? What IS IT that compells these people to force me to vom in my mouth everytime I turn around and see them humping in line? Is there such a shortage of hotel rooms that we are now resorted to procreating in public?

There are signs at every ride that say "Line jumping may be cause for ejection from the park." I move that those signs be revised to warn "Line humpers may be punched in the head repeatedly, and they deserve it." A simple reiteration of elementary school rules would suffice: keep your hands, feet, tongues, and mouths to yourself at all times.

Seriously. I got so sick of seeing couples all over eachother that by the time I hit "The Spider" ride, I'd had it and retaliated the only way I knew how: I let out the mother of all SBD's in the direction of the teenage line humpers beind me. Also, we were in an enclosed tower. Also, I was standing above them on stairs that provided my bum optimal position - level with their heads. Also, it was about 110 degrees in that tower, and I'd eaten baked beans earlier.

Take that, Line Humpers.