Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Only Thing I Hate More Than Commericals About E.D....

As I sit here at work, listening to Napoleon McBoom-Boom* listening to Wilson Phillips, I can't help but feel like stabbing someone in the head.

For those of you who don't know, Napoleon McBoom-Boom is my co-worker; we share a common partition. His taste in music has provided hours of entertainment for Jen and I. Over the past few months, I have enjoyed the soothing sounds of Weird Al, TaTu, and the theme from COPS. Yes, I'm serious. Isn't it amazing to think that someone actually FOUND the theme song to COPS, burned it onto a CD, and brought it into work for all to enjoy!

We have also had the pleasure of listening to his heated phone conversations about intergalactic warfare, X-Men, and the like. Here's to you, Napoleon McBoom-Boom, and to many more hours of entertainment!

But I digress. The point of this blog started out having nothing to do with Napoleon McBoom-Boom, but a person can only take so much Wilson Phillips before they start to snap. Which brings me to the real point of today's blog; the only thing I hate more than commercials about Eeeeee Deeeeee (a reptile dysfunction): Spiders.

Some of you may already know that my house has a spider infestation. Its the worst thing about living here. When we first moved in, the only way I knew how to deal with a spider sighting was to scream and slam the door as I ran out of the room. I'm not kidding.

Just how much do I hate spiders? A prime example would be the night that Nicole, Janay and I were in the living room, when suddenly a look of pure terror came over Nicole's face, and she screamed the kind of scream that cannot be duplicated, but makes you pee yourself every time you think about it. My back was to the window, and whatever she was screaming about was behind me. Any rational person may have feared there was a burglar outside the window, or maybe a werewolf, but not this rational person (and yes I do consider myself to be a rational person). My first, initial reaction was to jump up, scream louder than Nicole, "IS IT A SPIDER????!!!" (as if a spider was worse than a burglar or werewolf), then run into my bedroom, still screaming, and slam the door to ward off said spider. It turned out that it was only our friend Justin peering through the blinds.

Another example would be the time that I was carrying a plate full of pizza scraps across the room when Rachel looked at the plate I was carrying, and said, very seriously, "Sarah.......". And then I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon. I knew and reacted before Rachel ever finished her sentence. I threw the plate, greasy pizza scraps and all, across the room, then ran screaming into my bedroom and slammed the door. In my defense, there HAD been a spider crawling across the bottom of the plate.

For my last spider trick, I'll tell the story of the magical green spider. I was meeting my friend Heather at the Trax station in Sandy, and I was moving my CD's from the passenger seat to my trunk. I picked up the case and saw a crumply looking green thing; I thought it was a leaf until it un-crumpled itself and revealed long spidery legs, and it scuttled away, out of sight. There was nothing I could do about it then, so I tried to enjoy the rest of the night without dreading the thought of a spider roaming free in my car. When I got back to my car, it was dark, and I was absolutely terrified to get in the car, knowing that a spider was crouching somewhere, just waiting for the opportune moment to lay eggs in my ear. I checked my surroundings as best I could, and then spent ten torturous moments speeding around, looking for a carwash.

There is nothing worse than driving around in a dark car without knowing where the evil spider lurks. Every little thing you feel brush against your skin makes you swerve. I finally found a gas station with a vacuum, and I'll be damned if I didn't spend SIX DOLLARS in quarters, vacuuming like a crack head jonesing for his next fix. But still no sight of the spider. Finally, on my last quarter, I spotted the devil's spawn crouched on the ceiling above my head.

There is nothing more satisfying and empowering than watching a spider be sucked up into a vacuum. I raised the roof with a "oooh ooh" for myself that night.

This is really how I react to a spider sighting. I think that I've made tremendous progress though. For a long time, my defense was to drop a cup on top of the spider, and then wait for a boy (usually Ryan) to come over and kill it. Sometimes it would be days before a boy would come over (I can't believe I'm admitting how non-existant my dating life is) and several cups would accumulate across my bedroom floor. They'd usually be dead under the cup by the time Ryan showed up, but that's beside the point.

My second line of defense was to put a spider repellant radar thing into every available outlet in my bedroom. That seemed to work for awhile, but as Senor Lightning Bolt recently told me, it's more likely that they're just little boxes with an extra outlet in them, and that spider's really don't react to any kind of radar. Well, excuse me Mister Smarty Man.

My final line of defense was to buy a fly swatter with a handle that's three feet long. Yes, really. It's even in the shape of a hand! It doesn't get any better than that. But I still have issues getting close enough to the spider to enforce the wrath of my Wonder Palm. And sometimes, the swatter isn't around, and these little suckers move fast, so I've got to react in turn. I've resorted to grabbing whatever is closest to smash them into oblivion. Last night was a prime example, but by some miraculous turn of fate, this particular spider managed to outsmart me and escape the noose.

I was sitting at my computer, when out of my periph, I catch a glimpse of something scuttling across the carpet. I jumped up and quickly scanned the room for the swatter, which was nowhere to be found. Well first I screamed, THEN I jumped up and looked for the swatter. A spider of gargantuan proportions was now resting on the carpet by my feet. The only thing around was a CD case, and it was one of those cheapy jewel cases, with the raised middle section (As seen in the first picture below). I brought the case down on top of the spider with such a force that has never before been witnessed. He probably thought he'd been struck by the hand of God - THAT'S how hard I slammed the case down. The strike was also accompanied by my traditional scream-then-run-from-the-room defensive move.

I left the case on top of the spider for good measure, feeling confident that I had competely destroyed it. After a few minutes, I knelt down to remove the spider carcass, but upon close inspection of the case, I saw that the spider had survived! I had managed, somehow, to smack the case down with such precision placement that provided safe haven for the spider in the raised part of the case! What are the odds! One in eleventy-billion, maybe? I think I have better odds of winning the silver medal in men's ice dancing than of ever landing this shot again.

The close up picture with the helpful illustrative arrows point out the disgusting legs of the spider, visible through the slots of the CD case. I even messed with him a little and slid the case around just to watch him scramble to stay in the middle. I AM the puppet master.

Point in case (literally): the CD case is still on my floor. So if you know of any guys who can come over and discreetly kill and then dispose of a body, please let me know.

*Names have been changed to protect the nerds. I mean, the innocent.


Stupidramblings said...

Can I get a *woot woot* for the brave?

I kinda feel you may have a little phobia or sum'm. Maybe you should check into getting an exterminator to come and protect your home from the villianous little buggers.

On the other hand, would it help if told you spiders are GOOD in your house? They eat the other bugs and keep the house bug free. Ya wanna get rid of spiders, get rid of the other bugs...

Bone Junior said...

To say I have a "little phobia" is a bit of an understatement, I think... I've heard that spiders eat other bugs, all bugs except the Sex Bugs that also habitate my habitat (more commonly known as Box Elder Beetles). All they do is have sex all over my front porch... but I don't mind them so much because they look like lightning bugs. All cute n' stuff...

barb said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
barb said...

yeah sarah- you might try vacuuming once in a while.

can i get a hoo ha two times tuesday?

hoo ha.

Andi Mae said...

womp womp. I appreciated your usage of eleventy billion AND that you have pointed out the spiders may be the most vile creatures on Earth...next to hissing Madagascar cockroaches. Just this morning, I also screamed as I saw a black dot on my wall, when upon further inspection it was a spider with fangs! And they were moving! I tried to swat, but being the pansy I am, i swatted too quickly, backed away too quickly and missed. I am staring at the bugger on my door right now. We have a magnet for a wreath on the door, and I tried to smash the spider under it, but yet again, missed. So here I sit. Also thinking that my mutinous spidee will crawl into my mouth as I sleep.

g said...

My brother and I used to catch spiders in empty yogurt cups and shake them like maracas. Cha cha cha!

HPLuvr said...

Holy Crap! As witness to this extreme aversion to spiders... I would like to say that even though I was there the night I screamed bloody murder at the peeping Justin and you thought it was a spider, and the one waiting for you late into the night as you made your extra trip to a gas station with a vacuum that needed to meet its quota of quarters for the week. And about the spiders and your cups...as one who drank from said cups, did you limit yourself to a particular style or was it "all fair" in your spider death traps?

The Rules said...

t.A.T.u.?! Are you kidding me? No wonder you wanted to impale someone's cranium. I think the lyrics to that one song go like this: "All the things she said, all the things she said, stab me in the head, stab me in the head, stab me in the head."

Freakin' less-than-subliminal messages.

The Rules said...

Good job, Sarah. Now you've got me listening to t.A.T.u.