Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Send Your Pictures to Dear Old Captain Noah**...

So the sad reality of my dating life is that McBicep has yet to kiss me. The even sadder reality of my dating life is that McBicep leaves in about a week for a 3-month long internship in Detriot.

What makes me more sadder about this dating reality is having to come into work every Monday and respond to the prodding of the supers with a resounding, dejected sigh. No, I didn't get kissed this weekend. Again. No, I didn't even try to hold his hand. Again. Yes, I'm sure he's not gay. Yes, really, he's not gay. Because I know! Better luck next weekend.

I'm tired of having to tell everyone about my kissing failures - isn't it enough that McBicep is still calling me and taking me out? Isn't it enough that we've gone out every single weekend since January? Isn't it enough that he pays for everything? Isn't it enough that he laughs at my lame jokes and hangs out with my friends and is letting me have his piano for the summer?

The correct answer is yes, it should be enough. But try telling that to a bunch of construction workers who like to bust my balls every chance they get. I can't tell you how many rounds of "Gay / Not Gay" I've gone over the walky talkies with guys on the job site.

So I've decided to start lying to everyone just to get them off my back. My favorite lie comes courtesy of Hey Mikki You So Fine, who advised the following: "Tell them he took you out for a picnic, read you a poem about your hair, and then wrapped it around his massive manly finger and pulled you in..."

On the plus side, however, I will be the proud new babysitter of a 2002 red Camaro convertible in pristine condition that I am too terrified to even drive around the neighborhood out of fear of something happening to it and me losing my life. Yes folks, McBicep is entrusting me to keep an eye on his most prized posession while he's in Michigan. In other words, he gets free storage. Sigh.

But instead of debating the tits and tats of whether or not McBicep is simply taking advantage of my kindness, lets focus on the task at hand: creating the perfect goodie bag for his roadtrip. I was bouncing ideas off G, and all I could come up with was filling a cooler with trail mix, Diet Pepsi, apples, dried fruit and gum. Have I mentioned that McBicep eats like a caveman? And since I don't know how to cook chicken or burgers, mastodon wing is my only other option. Except that mastodon's don't even have wings. So there goes my last idea.

G's idea was for me to revert back to my previous fail-safe method that was supposed to get me kissed.

G: It would be great if you could make cinnamon rolls again and send him on his way full of delicious, cinnamony, chewy, frosting covered love.

Bone Junior: How would I package those for him to take?

G: I dont know - individually wrapped in Bone Junior and foil maybe?

You read correctly. G's idea was for me to wrap the cinnamon rolls in myself and send him on his way. It turned out to be a Freudian slip, but I like that idea - after all, who doesn't like a cinnamon roll wrapped in Bone Junior?

So this is where I need your help. A) Coming up with suitable and accordingly funny lies; and B) Ideas for McBicep's cross-country goodie bag. If no one responds, then shame on you all for making a mockery of my life, and I hereby tender my resignation as resident blogger.

**If anyone actually gets that reference, you have earned my eternal respect.


Erin said...

I think you definitely need to make some roadtrip CD's with subliminal messages on them through the songs you pick forcing him to think about you and your beautiful hair the whole time he is in Michigan. Did you like my run on too?

as far as how to shut up the guys at work, I definitely vot for using Mikki's story...it rocks!

the queen said...

I have to agree with Erin. Create a really cheesy mixed CD that will make him think of you. Also, spray a little of your perfume on a shirt (the shirt should be unisex and large enough to fit him) so that he may wear it and of course, THINK OF YOU!

The Rules said...


Beef jerky is always good, too.

Scratch Subtle said...

1 lb thinly sliced beef (or mastadon, whatever's fresh at the buchers)
3 cans tomato paste

Marinate the beef (mastadon) in the tamato paste for at least 3 days, then google how to actualy make beef (mastadon) into jerky.

If that doesn't make him think of you then nothing will.

k*t said...

mixed cd...good idea. maybe a cute framed pic of you and him together. you really just need to lay the smack-down on this mcbicep-dreamy guy and by smack-down, i mean really lay a juicy wet one on him! if you have to, do it right before he leaves on his trip, that way he could marinate on it the whole way.

HPLuvr said...

I am ALL about this manly beef jerky thing. Better if you have a moment to take one of those "guns" and shoot the mammal yourself to jerky. Other than that...don't forget the nice chilled soda pop! The man needs something to drink. Oh- Give him a little something something to think about while listening to CD-a-la-Sarah.

g said...

i feel like i need to clarify the "wrapped in Bone Junior" statement. When i said she should make the cinn. rolls for him, Bone Junior asked what she should wrap them in. And I said "Individually wrap them in Sarah and tinfoil" Now what I meant to say was Saran- as in Saran Wrap- but it really is much better as Sarah. A good old Freudian slip if I have ever heard one!

Emilee said...

Movie: probably about now the first movie that you saw together is coming out on video. You could buy that movie so that he can remember your date.

Pain Medication: heaven knows how annoying traveling is.

Duck Tape: there is always a situation that calls for duck tape

21 Questions Game: there is an electronic game that is a ball sold at Walmart that asks you 21 questions and is able to guess what you are thinking. It is a good way to pass the time whenever you have to wait.

Count Down Calendar: one of those calendars that pulls off day by day and on the day he is expected to return you could decorate it with a picture of you two or something cute.

Ringtone: simple to buy and send to anyone if you know their type of phone and then they can program it to your name and think of you when they are gone.

Travel Journal: he can write in it if he is the writing type but since most guys aren’t he could use it to gather pictures he takes or business cards from people he meets or napkins from his favorite diners.

Disposable Camera: if he doesn’t have a digital camera this is a great idea for him to be able to share is new world with you. Cheap, easy to use and develop it will be like you are both on an internship.

Neck Pillow: so that he can snooze anywhere.

Atlas: no matter how much someone thinks they can navigate and get around on their own they are terribly wrong. Buy a map or atlas that will help him get around the new metropolis that he will be discovering. On a page that he will never use like the map of Alaska decorate it with a map of your heart and some inside jokes and some pictures and I am sure he will use it more than you think.

Chap stick: Always good when changing climate zones.

Cinnamon Rolls in Cup Cake Tin: okay here is your cinnamon roll dilemma solved. Get a cup cake tin that has the large holes and then put the cupcake wrappers in them. Put your dough in the wrappers and bake. They will look a little bit different but you will be able to put them in a large disposable Tupperware and he can eat them on the go.

Blanket: Home made memories to always keep you warm

Garbage Bag: My guess is if he eats as much as you say he defiantly makes a lot of trash.

Emilee said...

He is not asking you to baby sit his stuff he is trying to keep a connection with you, a reason to keep in touch and see you when he returns. If he wanted to get away from you he wouldn’t leave his stuff with you. Also, he is defiantly not Gay and doesn’t see you as just a friend. Boys DO NOT pay for girls who they don’t like they are too cheap for that. My guess is that he is just scared or not sure what you think or want. I think you should make the first move. When my husband and I were dating we were instant messaging each other when I just said I felt like kissing him. He said “Me Too” and so it happened. Send him a text that says you want to kiss him. You could just lay one on him or take the lame way out and talk to him about it.

barb said...

maybe he is a VL. that's my presumption.

also- i couldn't even find the aterisks to get the reference. pretty sad, huh?

Tarable said...

If you go Emilee's idea and give him a blanket, just make sure it's not the Elvis one that has lingering farts in it.


Erin's mom said...

I have to tell you, I think Emilee
is very wise for her age. Listen to her. I agree. Besides he isn't going out with any other girls??
He doesn't have the time, cuz he's with you.

luke said...

i think emilee's got some perfect ideas...make sure you snap some pics of yourself on the disposable camera so when he gets the film developed, voila! there you are!

also, i hear the rules makes some wicked awesome lionel richie music videos...maybe he can hook you up with something ultra romantic to set the mood :)

luke said...

oh also, i'm hoping by "eternal respect" you don't really mean "you're a pathetic loser" because i used to watch captain kangaroo too :)