Merry Christmas Baby

Bone Junior: Merry Christmas, Santa!

Santa: Well! Merry Christmas! (squinting at my t-shirt) Rockin.....uh.... (squinting more, then hit with realization) Uh... ho ho ho!!

Why I'm the Best Babysitter

It's that time of year again...time for me as a single person to do my annual charity work and babysit for free. I've found it to be the best form of birth control.

Friday night I stayed overnight with three of the most well-behaved kids I've ever met. They really are sweet, but its a shock to the system to be woken up at 6:30 am because they're ready to play. It's also a shock when the 4-year old pees on the wall and stops you from cleaning it up because "Mommy will clean it up later."

The most fun part was trying to explain to the six-year-old why I wasn't married. The conversation went something like this:

Six-Year-Old: Why don't you have a husband?
Bone Junior: Well, I guess I just need to find a nice boy.
Four-Year-Old: I'm a nice boy.
Bone Junior: Do you want to marry me?
Four-Year-Old: (thoughtfully contemplating) No, that's ok.

Then I taught all three kids to correctly identify the velvet Elvis on my shirt as "The King."

Saturday morning, I made breakfast for the third time in my life. Your eyes do not deceive you: those are chocolate chip pancakes (made with mini Hershey's kisses) drenched in syrup and smothered with peanut butter.


The best part was opening my camera case to find that horrendous fake spider, nearly shouting expletives and peeing myself simultaneousely, and trying to maintain some dignity in front of the two-year-old, who wasn't the least bit scared. At least the six-year-old offered to beat up her dad for hiding the spider in the first place.

Why You Should Never Ask Me to Cut the Pumpkin Pie

Where to begin. The last two weekends have given me the chance to enjoy myself as a single gal, along with my four favorite other single gals (G, you don't count as single anymore, otherwise you'd be included in my favorite single gals).

The week after Thanksgiving, my friend Nicole hosted a Thanksgiving feast extravaganza. She made a turkey and a cornucopia of tasty delights. Emily and I were assigned to bring the green bean cassarole (one of the now THREE things I know how to make; the other two being cinnamon rolls and omelets). Although I think we overestimated a bit when I said we needed six cans of green beans for five people. Cause, you know, people really like green beans.

The turkey was amazing.

My butt was amazing.

And this is what happens if you spend hours creating a home-made pumpkin pie and then ask me to cut it. I think Nicole still hasn't forgiven me for mutilating her pie like that.

Speaking of Nicole, her 26th birthday was last week. To celebrate, we got all gussied up and headed to the Cheesecake Factory that just opened in Salt Lake.

Yanaj, Me, Nicole, Emily:

a study of the phenomenon known as Tan By Association.

Elizabeth and Me

Yanaj and Me: my favorite gal to pose next to because she makes me look the most tan.

Sorry, Yanaj. Your alabaster skin is lovely.

They might be little, but they're good for something: holding the beeper during our ninety-minute wait. And also motorboating.

My goal is to one day be as tan as the wood behind me. I'm only a few shades off.

You know its love when you lick the whipped cream off your friend's arm. Maybe not love, maybe just really good whipped cream. What I love about this picture is that Elizabeth's laughing roar is forever frozen in time.

Now this is love.

I'm not one to toot my own horn (I have construction workers to do that for me) but I love my shoes. However, it has to be said that wearing open-toed heels during a snowstorm is not the ideal choice. But that's a sacrifice I was willing to make, and I think it paid off.

After spending all that time getting dressed up, I felt it was important to post a picture of me at my happiest: eating fresh snow. I also helped build a snowman for the first time in my life.

We named him LaMar, may he rest in peace. More to come.

I'm Known for my Superb Comic Timing

Scene: At the reception desk at my office.

Bone Junior: Ugh, my stomach.

Jamie: Poopy pants?

Vice-President, after magically appearing from behind a nearby wall, where we had no idea he had been lurking: Wow. I hope you start feeling better soon.

And yet still I wonder why there are men out there who think that I have no business working in the construction industry...

Come On Baby, Take It All Off

The day finally came - the day I'd been dreading since October 21, when my beloved Eagles lost (barely) to the stupid Bears. Six weeks later, I thought I was off the hook. I thought the Landscaper would be merciful and let me keep my dignity. Alas, it was not to be.

My rear end has never felt more bare, nor has my pride ever felt more stripped. I'm sure it will be worse when he gets the Bears sticker on.

Sigh.

Thanksgiving 2007

Someone once asked me (and by "someone", I mean "just about every single married person I work with"; and by "once", I mean "every day leading up to Thanksgiving Day last week"), "So what does a single gal with no husband and no kids and no husband and no family in the area and no husband do for Thanksgiving?"

Blink. Blink.

Well, I'll tell you what a kick ass, independent, hilarious, hot girl does for Thanksgiving. She gets together with the other kick ass, independent, hilarious hot girl that stayed around (also known as my fellow Elvis-lover, Elizabeth) and they make a photo journal of their Thanksgiving adventures. And by "photo journal", I mean "a series of photos of their faces pressed together that showcases Bone Junior's many many hats."

Thanksgiving Day begins by going to the amazing Grand Ballroom at the Grand America Hotel in Salt Lake. For about $70 a person, you can enjoy a cornucopia of delicious food. Or like me, you can enjoy turkey, crepes, crab legs, shrimp, lamb, and many desserts.















Thanksgiving night begins by an 10:00 pm stop at IHOP in your matching long johns and black velour zip-up sweat suits.














Thanksgiving night continues by Elizabeth eating herself sick on fried food at IHOP. We needed to build up our fat deposits to make it through the long night ahead...
















...of camping out at Best Buy.

Exhibit A: 11:00 pm. Before we set up our lawnchairs in the twenty-five degree weather.
















Exhibit B: Midnight. After we set up our lawn chairs and had been sitting in line at Best Buy, sucking in exhaust from the cars next to us in the twenty-five degree weather.















Exhibit C: 1:00 am, after one round of "I'm Going On A Dirty Trip And I'm Taking..." I can't go into details, but suffice it to say that the items being taken on the Dirty Trip included Aeriolas, Boobs, and I'll stop there.














Exhibit D: Approximately 1:30 am. I don't think this picture needs any further discussion.



















Exhibit E: 2:30 am, at which point we say to hell with Best Buy and the people who butted in front of us in line when we fell asleep. Frankly, I didn't have the energy to start a fight with anyone, as by this point, after a day of gorging myself, I feel like my veins are full of pudding.














Exhibit F: Black Friday morning. Refreshed and rejuvinated, we gorge ourselves again at Mimi's Cafe.














Exhibit G: After a full day of bargain shopping (which included Season 2 of Prison Break and many many DVDs) I spot Dora the Explorer's younger twin siblings for sale. Is it just me, or is it like glimpsing the could-be future products of my womb?












And that is how two kick ass, independent, hilarious, hot girls do Thanksgiving.

Oh. My. Gosh.

What Famous Leader Are You?

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Yeah. That's what I thought too. So I took the quiz again, this time going with the 18-question option instead of the 9-question option which produced such horrible results. I didn't think it could get any worse, and then this little gem popped up:

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I took the test two more times, doing the 27 and 45-question options. Apparently, the more questions you answer, the more exact your results are supposed to be. Both times, I got Saddam again.

I have no words. Except maybe this explains why so many guys on the jobsites won't talk to me.

Thanks Guys!

If you cut your big toe on the jobsite and ask for a Band-aid, this is what you'll get, along with a lecture about proper jobsite footwear:
I tried to tell them that I was wearing sandals because the last time I wore boots, Humptey Dumptey took a great fall.

Really I was wearing sandals because I'd just gotten a pedicure.

Death to anyone who makes fun of my long second toe that resembles E.T.'s finger.

How to Get Kicked Out of Starbucks

Step One: Pull up in your car with the obscenely large Eagles sticker and park next to a Jeep with an obscenely large Cowboys sticker.

Step Two: Give the stink eye to the mullett- sporting big fat fatty wearing an Owens jersey as he gets out of the Jeep with the obscenely large Cowboys sticker.

Step Three: Go inside and place your order, choosing to take the high road and politely ignore the smack talk overheard between the BFF wearing the Owens jersey and the hood rat with him.

Step Four: Pick up your order, turn to the BFF and say you'd rather have a dog fart on your face than be a Cowboys fan.

Step Five: Quitely sip your drink as the BFF proceeds to go on a ranting shouting tantrum sprinkled with f-bombs about how much the Eagles suck.

Step Six: Give the BFF the double-fingered-crotch check, a la BYU circa 2000 (the Other Sisters know what I'm talking about), and back out the door as the barista steps between you and asks you to please leave.

Step Seven: Happily kick the tires of the Jeep with the obscenely large Cowboys sticker just before you peel out, waving your finger all the way.

And that, my friends, is how you stand by your team; even when you're 2,000 miles from home, and even when they suck.

To My Dear Little Beemer

Today is a milestone
As you turn 200,000 miles;
In almost four years
You've brought me many smiles.

You're the first car I bought for myself,
And my very first stick;
Every time I grinded your gears
I felt like such a hick.

You've taken me across the country
To Philadelphia and back;
And then again to Seattle
Where Yanaj's dad cut you no slack.

Bone Senior loves your big-a vent
And your turning radius is superb;
But maybe I need more practice
Because we've hit more than one curb.

We've had lots of fun nights
Especially that one time at Squaw Peak;
But the journey has been rough
And now you've got a slow oil leak.

We've seen our fair share of guys
Who've admired your fine European build;
Your smooth lines and engineering,
Many times your tank they've filled.

Speaking of tanks,
Your efficiency is unmatched;
With forty miles to the gallon
Like me, you're quite the catch.

The boys have come and gone
But none have made me their wife;
Which is definitely better for them
Because you'll always be the man in my life.

Feliz Cumpleanos, Bone Senior!

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love My Sister

10. She's the cutest mom.

9. She's always up for anything.

8. She's a good sport about being forced to sit through my favorite parts of the Elvis '68 Comeback Special.

7. She knows the rules about when to use "who" and "whom".

6. She's the best partner to have when playing games like Catchphrase and Mad Gab.

5. She has the cutest way of trying to tell a joke and not remembering the punch line.

4. She lets me wake up her baby just so I can cuddle with him.

3. She finally knows that Eva Longoria and Eva Mendes are not the same person, but she still thinks that Josh Lucas and Matthew McConaughey are the same person.

2. She's a master seamstress - she designed and hand made two Elvis purses for me, going so far as to research his different jumpsuits and making beaded patterns that are exact replicas.

1. She loves me no matter what.

Happy Birthday Sister!

Fun With Mother Goose

This is the house that Dave built...














This is the crack,
That lay in the house that Dave built.














This is the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...


















This is the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...














This is the hole,
That was dug by the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...


















This is the graded slope,
That led to the hole,
That was dug by the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...


















This is the loose dirt,
That covered the graded slope,
That led to the hole,
That was dug by the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...














This is the Bone Junior,
That slipped on the loose dirt,
That covered the graded slope,
That led to the hole,
That was dug by the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...













This is the exposed concrete footing,
That broke the fall of the Bone Junior,
That slipped on the loose dirt,
That covered the graded slope,
That led to the hole,
That was dug by the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...














This is the wrist,
That slammed into the exposed concrete footing,
That broke the fall of the Bone Junior,
That tumbled down the graded slope,
That led to the hole,
That was dug by the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built...














This is my pride, deflated and bruised,
Due to the badly injured the wrist,
That plunged into the exposed concrete footing,
That broke the fall of the Bone Junior,
That tumbled down the graded slope,
That led to the hole,
That was dug by the guy,
That found the underground spring,
That caused the crack
That lay in the house that Dave built.

A Question

If your boss offered you $500 to stand off the freeway exit by your company's condo project, holding a sign that advertised an open house and free hot dogs at the condos for six hours on a Saturday, would you do it?

It's an extremely busy freeway exit, right by a Wal-mart. It's a Saturday, when everyone is out shopping. It's the area where you live, so you'll definitely be seen by people who know you.

And also you have to wear the Teletubby costume.

And it's five hundred dollars.

Would you do it?

La Familia de Bone

Last weekend, my amazing friend Mikki hosted a photo shoot for myself, Bone Senior, Li'l Mil, and Brother Bone. Please to enjoy.