Saturday, March 29, 2008

This Is Why I'm Hot

In case you needed further evidence to support the theory that I'm both extremely well-mannered and not slobby or tacky in any way, allow me to present you with the following exhibits.

Exhibit A:

Last week was The Jam's birthday. I took her a box of raspberry cream cheese bear claws as a gift, stayed and visited with her for a few minutes, at which time she insisted I try one of the bear claws. I proceeded to inhale a bear claw, barely pausing to wipe the jelly from my chin in the process.

Yesterday, I stopped by to visit with The Jam and was informed that last week when I'd been there, devouring said tasty pastries, I'd dropped a glob of jelly onto the back of her dog, Rosie; and it wasn't discovered until hours later. The image of me shoving pastry into my mouth at such a rapid pace that I didn't notice the huge globs dropping out of my mouth kept playing over and over in my head. Hot, I know.

Exhibit B:

Last night, Yanaj's brother and his family came over for dinner. His wife cooked an amazing dinner consisting of rich foods that I hadn't eaten for a very long time: fettuccine with alfredo sauce, chicken topped with grilled veggies and cheese, garlic cheese bread, and strawberry cake. About an hour after I'd finished gorging myself on carbs, the crew had left and I was sitting around visiting with Yanaj and Nicole. Please to enjoy a transcript of the conversation that took place:

Bone Junior: So the message he left was pretty rude (pauses momentarily to let a huge one rip) Ugh, sorry guys, that one really stinks. Phew! Ugh! I'm really sorry you have to smell that! Anyway, I thought it was really funny that I'd made such an effort to be polite to him (pauses again, lifting butt cheek slightly to let another one rip, followed by a stunned look of shock on my face) Oh! I think I just pooped myself! (Jumps up and runs to nearest bathroom whilst roommates are rolling on the floor with laughter.)

Luckily, I hadn't pooped myself, but it was a really close call.

Exhibit C:

My birthday is in one week, and I registered myself at Target. Yes, really. I'm just that tacky. It's more of a joke than anything else, although it has to be said that Target.com has some freaking awesome Elvis stuff.

Conclusion: Nothing is too embarrassing for me to blog about.

6 comments:

$teve said...

I love a woman who likes to indulge herself...and then relieve herself in front of her friends. I may be a sick man, but that really is hot. :)

Confidence is a great thing. In case I don't write you again soon, Happy Birthday Bone Junior!!! May the ghost of Elvis haunt your dreams.

hizznizzle said...

I didn't tell you that to make you feel disgusting, I told you that so that next time you could aim for Rosy's mouth!

Andi Mae said...

This is giving me good material for your poem...keep it coming.

Bone Junior said...

Hizznizzle - Next time, I'll be sure to sufficiently chew the bear claw and regurgitate it directly into Rosy's mouth, a la mama bird to baby bird.

barb said...

maybe you could poop it into rosie's mouth. just a suggestion.

LecNessMonster said...

Here's a story that will hopefully help you feel OK with your hottness/classyness:

This weekend was spent in center city celebrating a friend's birthday. We got a room at the Latham Hotel, in Rittenhouse. Swank, right?

So anyway, we discovered sometime around 1:30 am, that the "help" had left the door to the laundry room/storage open. Glorious!

We tried to loot but couldnt find any trial sized goodness that would be worth carrying. So, moving on... we turned the corner and what to our wondering eyes appear? ...laundry carts! The big canvas ones. *gasp*. We were left with no other choice but to ride in them.

A few minutes of squealing and then all three of us tipping our carts over at the same time, we decided to head out in search of bigger and better things -- roof access.

On our way out of the store room, we got busted by the night time cleaning man and I brilliantly proclaimed to friends "HEY - guys... The ice is definitely not in here... WHERES THE FREAKIN ICE MACHINE IN THIS JAWN?!"

Classy, Lady. We're classy broads.

ps - i finally figured out how to comment on your blog after years of readership. Hooray!