Sunday, March 16, 2008

I Don't Care; I'm Still Going to Spend My Entire Summer By the Pool

So yesterday, I was standing in line at a gas station, trying my best not to be annoyed by three little Hispanic children that were running rampant around the store. They were chirping to each other in Spanish and grabbing fistfuls of candy off the shelves. The smallest one ran just behind me with the other two following closely, and he slipped and fell next to the "Caution: Wet Floor" sign and smacked his face on the floor. His fistfuls of candy went flying, but he wasn't crying or anything; he just looked stunned.

Being the jerk that I am, I had to cover my mouth to stifle the laughter. I'm sorry, but seeing someone slip and fall, especially with fistfuls of candy, is hilarious to me. Plus he wasn't bleeding or anything. Plus he'd been running wild around the store like a banchee.

This was all very funny to me until the woman in front of me in line turned to me and sneered, "You should really learn to control your children in public."

Blink. Blink.

I stared back at the woman as different things about her statement began to occur to me, and I started to work it out like a geometry proof in my head.

If this snooty woman with tragically limp hair assumes that the wild, unsupervised Hispanic children were spawned of my womb, then the following assumptions are also implied about me:

1. I am Hispanic;

2. I am old enough to have birthed not one, not two, but THREE children; the oldest of which was probably eight;

3. I am the kind of mother who would allow her children to run screaming through a store and then not help my youngest when he slipped on the floor and smacked his face, but instead would stand by laughing as he gathered up his strewn candy;

4. I am Hispanic.

These assumptions led me to the following conclusions:

1. I spend far too much time in the sun;

2. I need Botox;

3. I should stop laughing at small children when they fall, no matter how funny I think it is when their Skittles go flying in all directions.

Now, all of these things processed through my mind at an incredible rate of speed, so luckily I wasn't staring at the snooty woman for very long before I responded.

I shifted my weight to my left hip, crossed my arms over my chest, cocked my head to the side, and stared that snooty woman right in the eye before letting out an irritated sigh and pointedly saying, "Those are not my children. I don't even speak Spanish!"

I paid for my Diet Pepsi, feeling confident that I'd made my point.

Then I got in my car and cried.


$teve said...

Don't feel bad. She probably thought they were your stepchildren, the offspring of some millionairre sugar daddy. You look great. :)

Andi Mae said...

GOOD for you! People ought not to assume things they know nothing about. And don't worry about not knowing any Spanish- it's not that great.

Jen said...

hablas espanol?

Jackie said...

I think you look great too. Although I may go to you in the future if I need a great recipe for enchiladas.

barb said...

i thought you were just a bigot mentioning the ethnicity of the children. then i read the rest of your post and peed myself a little.

barb said...

also- another thing that makes me giggle is how much you hate mexican food. that would have been a great closing line as well...

"i don't even like mexican food!!"

Bone Junior said...

Barb - I wish I'd thought of that comment! That really would've driven the point home.

Steve, Jackie - Thanks for saying I look great; but I'm sorry, if you ever need a recipe for enchiladas, my only response would be "In YOUR ladas!"

I know it doesn't make sense. Get off my back.

Tarable said...

At least something entertaining happened for you to blog about (and it was really entertaining by the way and it made me giggle) -

I'm still stuck on describing salads.

li'l mil said...

another post that leaves me comment-less, because really, what could i add?

although in my head it would've been really funny if you had bust out with insanely fast pig latin or gibberish or something to tell off that lady, something that was definitely NOT spanish, but i doubt she'd know the difference. in my head it would've been hilarious, but probably just painfully awkward in real life.

Erin said...

holy crap...I can't believe that lady said that to you! I am speechless. I just wish I could have been there with you when that happened to put in my two cents.