Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Why Sometimes I Hate People

Turning 25 has officially turned me into an old woman of sorts. This was never more evident than yesterday. Take a ride with me in Ye Olde Time Machine...back to last night.

It was 11:30ish, and since both my roommates and McBicep have been out of town for the last week, I've been enjoying an earlier bedtime than usual. By "enjoying", I mean that I've been incredibly bored and therefore have nothing better to do than go to bed early.

There I was, comfortable nestled into bed, nuzzling with Soft Elvis, thisclose to falling asleep, when I hear some kind of strange ruckus outside my bedroom window. It was definitely a man's voice, but I couldn't be sure what he was saying - I think he was speaking Klingon or something, because I was only able to catch key nerd phrases such as "2001: A Space Oddessy is a thrill ride!", and "This girl is totally out of my radar, but I think she likes Battlestar Galactica!"

My ears perked up at the yakkety-yak of Sci Fi Speak, because should I ever hear the whisperings of a Nerd, I keep a carton of eggs by my bed for just such an occasion. Nerds are very spry, nocturnal creatures, and you have to be ready at the slightest inclination if you want to egg them.

But even the prospect of egging an elusive Nerd on his cell phone wasn't enough to get me out of bed. I was too comfy and on the brink of peaceful sleep, and I figured The Nerd would eventually get spooked by something and scuttle back into the shadows or wherever it came from.

However. The yakking continued. Echoing off the walls of buildings and rattling into my ears. "Blah blah blah....Star Trek......gwar gwar gwar.....hyper-space.......blah blah blah.....do you think she likes me?" on and on. It became clear that The Nerd wasn't going to leave on his own account any time soon, so it was time to take matters into my own hands.

Since I was in my muu-muu, I didn't want to make a scene, so I tried to be diplomatic about sending my message by slamming my window open and shut several times.

"Maybe I'll take her out on my vespa......." The Nerd blabbed on, completely oblivious to my passionate window slamming.

I knew I needed to take it up a notch. I still didn't want to start a commotion, so I cleared my throat very loudly in between window slams.

"I know! I've got a matching helmet! No, it'll do at least 35 unless I kick it into warp speed....." The Sci-Fi Speak continued.

That did it.

Believe me when I tell you that I did not want it to get to that point. I was tired, grumpy, and extremely annoyed at being disturbed, and by a Nerd, no less. I have zero tolerance for Nerds.

I grabbed my bath robe (yes, I know, a bath robe) and violently tied it on over my muu muu while sliding my feet into my purple fuzzy slippers and stomped down the stairs. I flung open my front door so vehemently that The Tasties rattled on the walls. I marched right up to The Nerd - who was standing in my front yard by this time with his back to me, completely oblivious to the wrath he was about to endure - and stabbed my finger into his back repeatedly.

The Nerd was so startled that he dropped his phone and faltered a few steps back. His shy awkwardness didn't phase me at all, and I think he nearly soiled himself at the sight of me. I was a crazed woman on a mission - in a bath robe - and awkward or not, I was out for Nerd blood.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what I said next. What I do know is that I was blinded by rage, I was probably foaming at the mouth, and I shouted something like this:

"ExCUSE me!!! THAT is my BEDroom WINdow, right THERE! YOU are talking SO LOUD and I can hear EVERY BIT of your CONVERSATION! EVERYTHING you're SAYING! I don't think you underSTAND how much it ECHOES up here! We live on a MOUNTAIN! EVERY WORD out of your MOUTH is being BOUNCED into my EAR canal! PLEASE! PLEASE! Please. Take the convention elsewhere. The world is not your phonebooth."

I don't know if it was the inital shock of a bath robed crazy woman charging at him, or the fact that I probably sent buckets of spittle flying into his wide open mouth during my seething tantrum, but The Nerd just stared at me for the longest time. He finally spoke, and when he did, I was shocked to find that contrary to popular belief, I could actually understand what he said. He timidly replied, "I'll go," before whispering into the phone, "Some crazy lady just came out and yelled at me," as he slowly backed away into the shadows, keeping his eyes lowered to the ground.

And just like that...*poof*...The Nerd was gone, and I was left to a most satisfying night's sleep.


Tarable said...

The window slamming part made me laugh out loud. I'm a bit of a window slammer myself. And door slammer. And pretty much anything else that can be slammed slammer.

li'l mil said...

i hope The Nerd is in your FHE group and next time you play commando, you show up wearing the muu-muu and bath robe. and the awesome purple sparkly slippers.

stupidramblings said...


"Get off my lawn. If I did that when I was your age, someone would have shot me full of arrows. Where are my teeth? Somebody bring me my cane. Where's my soup? Cats? Got five of 'em. I think one's possessed. Beat it! Scram! You kiss your mother with that mouth? I've got a good mind to teach you a lesson, you whippersnapper. I've maimed children younger than you. You're lucky you're fast. How would you like a knuckle sandwich..."

Retirement approaches.

Andi Mae said...

Atta girl.

All you were missing was a mud mask.

The Rules said...

...and the pink foam curlers and a fiercely-wielded rolling pin.

Erin said...

I think I peed a little just now...reading your blog, and laughing.

Jen said...

Oh my heck! As I was reading this I was totally envisioning Mr. Buck!!!! Hilarious!