Wednesday, October 10, 2007

In Which I Bend Over and Prepare to Take It Up the Tailpipe

Before I get to the part about me bending over and bracing myself, it has to be said that most of the kids I interact with on a day-to-day basis remind me of why I'm not ready to have kids right now. It's really the most effective form of birth control out there.

But this is one of the kids that makes me feel like one day I'd like to squeeze out a few of my own. Maybe. The fact that he went around for hours with his cheeks full of sausage makes him a cool kid in my book. And his mama is pretty cool too, which is why it was so fun to spend some time with them on their recent trip here.
Juneyah, k*t, and Chayton with cheeks full o' sausage.

And now, on to the exciting news.

As an Aries, I should know when to stop. Because I'm an Aries and also a middle child, I usually don't, and it usually gets me in trouble. Case in point, the latest bet I've made with the landscaping supervisor.

To know me is to know how much I love the Eagles. To know the Landscaper is to know how much he loves the Bears. As soon as I learned this, I smelled the bet a-brewin. It started out simple enough - if the Bears win, I buy his crew donuts. When the Eagles win, he buys my guys donuts.

But for "some reason" (read: I'm stubborn, extremely competitive, bull-headed, and put an unhealthy amount of faith and optimism in the Eagles), I just couldn't stop there. In my own defense, the Eagles had just completely smashed the Lions, so I was feeling pretty confident in their ability to beat the Bears.

So what are the stakes now? I'll start by telling you what happens if the Eagles win:

-Landscaper buys donuts for my guys;

- Landscaper gets down on his knees in front of me on the jobsite and says, "The Bears suck and the Eagles are the best";

- Landscaper wears my McNabb jersey, Eagles Fan Mask, and Eagles beanie on the jobsite;

-Landscaper sings the Eagles fight song and does my special accompanying dance on site, and by "my special accompanying dance", I mean the dance that takes place when my Eagles pizza cutter plays the fight song and I have to drop whatever I'm doing and perform my self-created synchronized arm movements;

- Back windshield of Landscaper's truck becomes my canvas to decorate with Eagles decals and flags as I see fit, to be kept in place for one week;

- Landscaper puts his Bears jersey up for auction on eBay;

- I maintain bragging rights on behalf of the Eagles for the rest of the season, regardless of how badly they suck.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right? I stand to gain a lot; most important being that I get to humiliate the landscaper on site, in front of many construction workers, thus earning me the respect I really deserve.

However, I stand to lose even more if the Eagles continue on their path to self-destruction. Takes deep breath. If the Eagles lose:

- I buy donuts for Landscaper's crew;

- I get down on my knees in front of Landscaper on the jobsite and say, "The Eagles suck and the Bears are the best";

- I wear Landscaper's Bears jersey and beanie on the jobsite;

- Next time I go back to Philadelphia, I wear Landscaper's Bears hoodie and beanie and take a picture in front of the Rocky statue;

- I put my Eagles pizza cutter up for auction on eBay;

- Landscaper gets to remove this for a week:

He only gets to take off the license plate frame - the "I'm Hot" plates stay.

And this, my friends, is where it really starts to hurt.

If the Eagles lose, Landscaper gets to take a razorblade to this:

And replaces it with a Bears decal for a week.

I believe his exact words were, "Your car's behind is mine for a week." In which case, I will look like this:

Never before have I made such a prideful bet, risking things that mean so much to me. I will cry if that decal comes off. Lit'rally.

D-Day is October 21.

Pray for the Eagles.


$teve said...

GO EAGLES!!! My final prediction - Eagles 24, Bears 16. By the way, if you have to put your pizza cutter on eBay, let me know. I'll find a way to get it back to you...or I may just keep it. It plays the fight song, you say? I do need a new pizza cutter...

Good luck!!! That picture in front of the Rocky statue though, that would suck. Luckily, you won't have to worry about it. I hear Grossman may be starting again.

li'l mil said...

i'm praying for the pizza cutter. but hey, if you put it up on ebay for $.99, i'll bid on it :)

Tarable said...

Oh man - I am so watching the game. (If I can get it up here so farth north and west and in a completely different country).

If you win - can you please take (and post) video footage of said Landscaping Supervisor? Kind of like the puppet master? Because that would be really funny.

Bone Junior said...

I will DEFINITELY take and post video of said Lanscaper bowing down before me. Or vice versa... sigh.

Although the video of me will probably be me sobbing as said Landscaper scrapes off my beloved Eagle. And through the tears, I'll be sneaking glances at said Landscaper, because he's easy on the eyes. Sigh.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Fly Eagles Fly, On The Road To Victory.
Fight Eagles Fight, Score A Touchdown 1-2-3.

Hit 'Em Low.
Hit 'Em High.
And We'll Watch Our Eagles Fly.

Fly Eagles Fly, On The Road To Victory.



hizznizzle said...

OH SH**.

How can I get in on this?

You name your price. Mine if you will let me in on this and when the DA'BEARS win is, I get to be there when you bow down and and admit the eagles do indeed suck.

Let me know.

Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.
You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.

Andi Mae said...

Just for you, you know I will pray for the Eagles. On that day only. Otherwise, getcha popcorn ready.