In Which I Bend Over and Prepare to Take It Up the Tailpipe

Before I get to the part about me bending over and bracing myself, it has to be said that most of the kids I interact with on a day-to-day basis remind me of why I'm not ready to have kids right now. It's really the most effective form of birth control out there.

But this is one of the kids that makes me feel like one day I'd like to squeeze out a few of my own. Maybe. The fact that he went around for hours with his cheeks full of sausage makes him a cool kid in my book. And his mama is pretty cool too, which is why it was so fun to spend some time with them on their recent trip here.

Juneyah, k*t, and Chayton with cheeks full o' sausage.

And now, on to the exciting news.

As an Aries, I should know when to stop. Because I'm an Aries and also a middle child, I usually don't, and it usually gets me in trouble. Case in point, the latest bet I've made with the landscaping supervisor.

To know me is to know how much I love the Eagles. To know the Landscaper is to know how much he loves the Bears. As soon as I learned this, I smelled the bet a-brewin. It started out simple enough - if the Bears win, I buy his crew donuts. When the Eagles win, he buys my guys donuts.

But for "some reason" (read: I'm stubborn, extremely competitive, bull-headed, and put an unhealthy amount of faith and optimism in the Eagles), I just couldn't stop there. In my own defense, the Eagles had just completely smashed the Lions, so I was feeling pretty confident in their ability to beat the Bears.

So what are the stakes now? I'll start by telling you what happens if the Eagles win:

-Landscaper buys donuts for my guys;

- Landscaper gets down on his knees in front of me on the jobsite and says, "The Bears suck and the Eagles are the best";

- Landscaper wears my McNabb jersey, Eagles Fan Mask, and Eagles beanie on the jobsite;

-Landscaper sings the Eagles fight song and does my special accompanying dance on site, and by "my special accompanying dance", I mean the dance that takes place when my Eagles pizza cutter plays the fight song and I have to drop whatever I'm doing and perform my self-created synchronized arm movements;

- Back windshield of Landscaper's truck becomes my canvas to decorate with Eagles decals and flags as I see fit, to be kept in place for one week;

- Landscaper puts his Bears jersey up for auction on eBay;

- I maintain bragging rights on behalf of the Eagles for the rest of the season, regardless of how badly they suck.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right? I stand to gain a lot; most important being that I get to humiliate the landscaper on site, in front of many construction workers, thus earning me the respect I really deserve.

However, I stand to lose even more if the Eagles continue on their path to self-destruction. Takes deep breath. If the Eagles lose:

- I buy donuts for Landscaper's crew;

- I get down on my knees in front of Landscaper on the jobsite and say, "The Eagles suck and the Bears are the best";

- I wear Landscaper's Bears jersey and beanie on the jobsite;

- Next time I go back to Philadelphia, I wear Landscaper's Bears hoodie and beanie and take a picture in front of the Rocky statue;

- I put my Eagles pizza cutter up for auction on eBay;

- Landscaper gets to remove this for a week:

He only gets to take off the license plate frame - the "I'm Hot" plates stay.

And this, my friends, is where it really starts to hurt.

If the Eagles lose, Landscaper gets to take a razorblade to this:

And replaces it with a Bears decal for a week.

I believe his exact words were, "Your car's behind is mine for a week." In which case, I will look like this:

Never before have I made such a prideful bet, risking things that mean so much to me. I will cry if that decal comes off. Lit'rally.

D-Day is October 21.

Pray for the Eagles.