Monday, February 25, 2008

How to Host the Perfect Third Annual Oscar Flop

I only call it the Third Annual Oscar Flop because it was my worst year EVER as far as the picks go. I was so pissed off that I did so poorly that I had to go for a drive afterwards to cool off. 14 out of 24 is disgusting to me. (Damn you, best actress category! I shake my fist at you!) 58% correct. I felt like burying my head in the sand from shame.

Aside from sucking the big fat one, the party was great. Please to enjoy a twelve-step photo instruction guide entitled "How To Make an Oscar Cake That is the Bomb Dot Com."

Step 1: Bake a red velvet cake and a funfetti cake.Step 2: Remember how frustrating it was last year to outline the Oscar shape in the cake using toothpicks, so draw and cut out a pattern instead.
Step 3: Use Golden Yellow food coloring to dye fluffy white frosting nearly the perfect shade of, ahem, kind of sort of gold. More yellow really.
Step 4: Lay the cakes end to end and tape Oscar, against his will, to the cakes.
He will protest; but be firm and take charge, and tell him to shut up and make you a sandwich.
Step 5: Brandish your knives with trepidation when you remember how frustrating it was last year to cut the cake in the right shape.
Step 6: Get fed up with Oscar's attitude and make the first slice.
Step Seven: Use excess cake to fill in Oscar's sinking midsection.
Step 8: Painstakingly frost Oscar, tiny dot by tiny dot.
Get tired of doing tiny dots and smear chocolate frosting on the base.
Step 9: Voila! Oscar is right at home with the ballots, shrimp dip, chips and salsa.
Step 10: Fill your fancy dollar-store goblets with Martinelli's in preparation for the annual pre-Oscar party kick-off toast.
Step 11: Set up the camera and take the annual pre-Oscar party kick-off toast picture.
Suggest that you and your friends line up in order of paleness. Prepare to get chased out with torches and pitchforks by your pale, pale friends after making that suggestion.
Rejoice and delight in the fact that you are not pale.
Step 12: After the party, when Oscar has been mutilated, yell at Yanaj's friend for rifling through the prize bags in an attempt to get the best prize. Then graciously accept your prize (a Superman egg-dyeing kit) for guessing the most correct.
And there you have it!

9 comments:

Scratch Subtle said...

Paleness is a gift. Being so fair that you're almost invisible, it's like a super-power. Also it helps you not get skin cancer.

li'l mil said...

this is so much more exciting than hearing about who wore who and which hair was terrifying and who got attacked by gary busey.

PS: screech owl is still waiting for his cake. also, he says you're the dog and ashley m. is the other screech owl. he's sending you a collar soon.

$teve said...

I'm sorry that your Oscar picks didn't go as expected...but at least you had the bitchinest cake ever!!! That's something to be proud of. :)

photography by Mikki said...

Sarah. You are beautiful. Really though! Cake looks amazing- and Juno should have one something. Have you seen Atonement yet?

Bone Junior said...

Mikki - I refuse to see Atonement based soley on the fact that stupid Keira Knightley is in it with her stupid lips. Sorry.

Andi Mae said...

I would say that was a huge success. And I think eating Oscar cake would make any lame-o Oscar awards show worth watching! ;)

hizznizzle said...

you had to take a drive to cool off...........the eagles called, they would like to borrow some of your competitive nature. if they could hit 58% wow they would be on fire.

ZING!!!!!!!

$teve said...

Hey now, the Eagles hit 50% this last year without even trying!!!

barb said...

woah- the view from your kitchen window looks amazing.