New Segment: Ask the Bone

To mark the end of July, I've decided to start a new feature called Ask the Bone. Today's question comes from Hey Mikki You So Fine, who asks, "Anything new going on?"

Well, I've been feeling pretty bitter and spiteful lately. Maybe it's Comic-Con. Maybe it's the fact that after three months and numerous painful consultations with Napoleon McBoom Boom, I still cannot think of a movie that takes place in the future but is not Sci-Fi (why is V for Vendetta considered sci-fi?). Maybe it's the 30th anniversary of Elvis' alleged death looming on the horizon, I don't know.

Whatever "it" is, it's got me cranky, and all I feel like doing is laying in bed and watching Confessions of a Matchmaker and I Love the 90's undisturbed.

However, I did get to see Bone Senior and Baby Owen last weekend in Cheyenne. I also got to see three guys get gored at Frontier Days - "The Daddy of All Rodeos"- and got to see lots of big bull balls. And lots of cowboys wearing Stranglers. Had I known ahead of time that I'd be going to the world's largest outdoor rodeo, I'd have come prepared with my "Cowboy Butts Drive Me Nuts" tshirt.

What else...as I predicted, an Elvis won The Next Best Thing, but not the Elvis that I thought; it was the other one. The Elvii BOTH made it into the top three, and I was so excited that I screamed my headband off. Ask Yanaj.

And what else is new... oh yes, I remember. McBicep comes back this weekend!!! I can't believe the summer has gone by so fast and with so little action. Sigh. So I'll see him for a day when he drives through on his way back to California for two weeks, and then to Hawaii for another ten days. So he's not really back back until the end of August, but at least he's coming back and he's looking forward to seeing me.

So that about wraps up this installment of Ask the Bone. Thanks to Hey Mikki Your So Fine for her question which I know kept you all on the edge of your seat. Feel free to Ask the Bone.

Exit Strategy

If: You are at the movies on a Saturday night, walking down the hall alone while your friends are waiting in line for snacks, and coming towards you are your ex-boyfriend, whom you haven't seen or spoken to in a year, and his new wife [and by "ex-boyfriend" I mean "the guy you dated for almost two years that you thought you were going to marry but then things didn't work out and you burned all the stuff he gave you including all pictures and love mementos but then you got to be friends again and there were no hard feelings and he was your standing date for the movies every weekend and other social events but you were just friends"; and by "his new wife" I mean "the girl he started dating many years after you who told him that he wasn't allowed to be friends with you anymore and that she didn't want him to even speak to you starting about a year ago when they were only dating"].

Then: When they spot you and stop to talk to you, you should:

A) Pretend that you don't see them and keep walking;

B) Stop and politely smile, not really paying attention to what they're saying because you're relishing the fact that he's gotten chubby and you clearly hold the trump card because you're dating a Huge Bald Guy With Biceps As Big As Your Head.

C) Stop and politely smile, saying, "I'm so sorry, I was in a terrible car accident last year and I don't have much memory of the last few years, so I have no idea who you are, but I'm sure you're a very nice person." Then have your friend / caretaker G kindly say, "Bone Junior, this is Recneps - you dated him a long time ago. His now-wife didn't want you to talk to him anymore, and now he is a bit chubbier than he was when you dated him", and then politely walk away.

I've decided to always opt for "C" in the future, should I happen upon an ex without my trump card.

To quote my favorite cynic from "Sex and the City", "Believe me, I would love to be one of those people who's all; we loved, thank you, you enriched my life, now go and prosper. But I'm much more; we didn't work out, you need to not exist."

Who Thinks I Talk Funny?

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Philadelphia   Your accent is as Philadelphian as a cheesesteak! If you're not from Philadelphia, then you're from someplace near there like south Jersey, Baltimore, or Wilmington. if you've ever journeyed to some far off place where people don't know that Philly has an accent, someone may have thought you talked a little weird even though they didn't have a clue what accent it was they heard.
The Northeast
The Midland
The Inland North
The South
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

A Traumatic Experience

This weekend, I had a very traumatic experience. I got called "ma'am" for the first time in my entire life.

It was devastating.

How did this happen? Well, it all started about a week ago. I was driving home when suddenly my car just shut off. On the mile-long drive to my house, every time I slowed down to stop, the car would just die. Needless to say, it took awhile to get home.

When deciding which mechanic to go to, several factors came into play. Should I go to my regular guy, who knows my car and has done all the work since I've had it, but who talks to me like I'm an idiot and also one time "forgot" to replace my oil; or should I risk going to someone new who would most likely also talk to me like I'm an idiot and give me the "Well that's what you get when you buy a BMW" speech when I find out that it will cost $800 to replace my flux capacitor.

I decided to go to a dealership that is partially owned by the company I work for - I figured that if they talked to me like I was an idiot or otherwise tried to screw me over, I have enough pull in the company that the situation would be promptly rectified. Bascially, I'd just whine to my boss and I'd get what I want. That is what puppet masters do, after all.

Plus, by taking my car to this dealership, I'd be able to get a loaner vehicle from them to use until my car is all better:

Pretty cute SUV, right? It's a 2007, and while silver isn't my color, I'm not going to complain about a free car for the next few days. Not bad for a loaner vehicle...

... until you see it FROM THE SIDE:
















It's a freaking minivan - there's no way around it. This is my sweet loaner vehicle. This is why I got called "ma'am" at the McDonald's drivethru. After it happened, my jaw dropped as I frantically tried to think of a response. I wanted to laugh it off, saying, "Oh, I'm not a ma'am yet, this isn't my minivan, it's just a loaner. I don't even have kids with which to fill this minivan - I'm not even married. So, yeah, I'm nowhere near being a ma'am yet. I actually drive a really cute, age-and-marital-status-appropriate car. So, yeah. No ma'am's in this car, despite the deceptive exterior."

Instead, my face fell and I slumped in my big captain's chair and forlornly eased / navigated the minivan out of the parking lot, having accepted my fate as a ma'am.

But as Yanaj would say, it could be worse. I could be Drunk Aunt Lumpy:

My Latest Obsession

After Prison Break and Grey's Anatomy ended for the season last spring, I dreaded the long summer ahead. What was going to keep me occupied on Monday and Thursday nights? I felt like I had nothing to look forward to until September.

And then a little something called The Next Best Thing found its way into my life and we began a heated summer affair.

This is seriously the most entertaining show on television (except for Cash Cab and Confessions of a Matchmaker). Celebrity impersonators auditioned all over the country, trying to make it as a finalist; competing for $100,000. Some of them have been downright ridiculous (all the Cher's), others have been amazing (the Barbra Streisand blew me away).

And now we're down to the finals - we get to vote next Wednesday for the winner. In the top ten we have Frank Sinatra, Lucille Ball, Paris Hilton, President Bush, Tina Turner, Little Richard, Barbra Streisand, Robin Williams... and TWO ELVISES!!!

That's right - there are TWO Elvis tribute artists in the top ten. Needless to say, I was very excited. Tune into ABC next Wednesday night, if for no other reason than to marvel at these performers.


This one gets my vote.

How I Took A Huge Step

I know you all have been waiting with breath that is baited for an update on my trip to Detroit Rock City.

It. Was. Awesome.

I arrived in the wonderful humidity Friday afternoon (it really was wonderful - an entire weekend without needing moisturizer!) and jumped into the arms of McBicep.

We had a great time - we drove to Niagara Falls, spent the afternoon on the waterfront in Toronto, saw Evil Dead: The Musical (which was freaking hilarious and awesome), went to Hooters to watch the UFC fights (where McBicep was accosted by an admiring drunk man who was going nuts over McBicep's sheer size while I stood by and watched like a proud mama), and then, as we were walking back to the car, it happened.

We held hands.

Yes ma'am, I finally bit the bullet and just went for it. Of course, beforehand I'd overanalyzed and considered all of the possible reaction scenarios: McBicep could come back with the rigormortis grip, the dead fish hand, or worst of all - he could just pull his hand away entirely. While all of these outcomes terrified me, I knew I had to grow a pair and just do it.

I think I reached for his hand and withdrew probably six times before following through. I reached out, found his hand, then held my breath as he entwined his fingers through mine and squeezed my little hand. It was so presh, I almost peed myself.

Niagara Falls; Canadian side. We didn't do any of the touristy stuff except walk around and get sprayed a lot.

And my favorite picture from the weekend:













It's a still life; I call it "Suitcase, Sandals, Sledgehammers, and Slumbering McBicep Who Looks Like He's Been Shot." Taken after driving through the night back to Detroit. And yes, those are the sledgehammers he hits tires with as part of his workout.

Interesting Things I Learned This Weekend:

- McBicep can eat an entire apple in under twenty seconds.

- I can definitely hold my own against a 300 pound guy who gets grouchy when he's hungry, tired, or needs to be changed.

- I finally met someone who's as much of a "not a morning person" as I am, which cracked me up because Erin's other advice to me was, "Don't be yourself in the morning." Anyone who knows me knows not to talk to me until I've been awake for at least an hour. Nothing wrong with that, especially when he's as bad as me in the morning.

- I don't like Indian food, even though I pretended that I did. Also, I deeply regretted it the next day.

- Even Canadians think I'm mexican.

- McBicep wants to keep dating me.

In all, it was a great trip. Also, I think the perfume I secretly sprayed on his pillow before I left will keep him thinking of me. Subconsciously.

Don't judge me - as if any of you girls wouldn't have done the exact same thing. Hmph.

How I Almost Peed Myself All Day

Tomorrow is the big day...the day I fly to Detroit to spend the weekend with McBicep. We're going to Niagara Falls on Saturday morning and hopefully meeting Bone Senior, her Hub, and Baby Owen there. Then it's off to the Toronto theater scene and the UFC fights Saturday night.

I. Am. So. Nervous.

My friends have been giving me all kinds of advice, mostly consisting of "Get kissed", to which I respond that I'm planning on wearing a white tshirt to Niagara Falls, and if that doesn't get me kissed then I don't know what will. If nothing else, it will be hysterical because McBicep can beat me in a wet tshirt contest, hands down.

My favorite bit of advice comes from Erin, who told me to "Wear pretty undies and cute PJ's because even if you don't get kissed, having pretty undies will make you feel better." Thanks Erin.

Here's to a fabulous weekend.

American Bad-A Official Poll

Before opening up the phone lines, I want to give a shout out to my dear friends: Happy Birthday Aaaaaaaaandi and Heather!!! And also Happy Canada Day (whatever that means - I'm still trying to figure out Boxing Day and Victoria Day, but Canada Day must be something special if it showed up on my Elvis calendar.)

In other news, I'll be in Detroit with McBicep in exactly 4 days. But who's counting.

And now, without further delay, I open up the floor for voting on the American Bad-A Official Poll as suggested by Bone Senior. Because apparently, not everyone has the same taste as me. I know, crazy, right?

That being said, please to enjoy my list of American Bad-A Guys I Wouldn't Want To Meet Alone In A Dark Alley, Unless They Were Going To Tenderly Caress My Face And Then Slam Me Up Against The Wall And Choke Me A Little, Because That Would Be Hot. Even though some of these guys aren't American, it's my poll and I can do what I want.

Rambo

Vin Diesel

The Rock

Batman

Paul Senior

Marcellus Wallace

Chuck Liddell

Dominic Purcell

Brian Dawkins

Bruce Willis

Gerard Butler

Now it's your turn...