Thursday, July 26, 2007

Exit Strategy

If: You are at the movies on a Saturday night, walking down the hall alone while your friends are waiting in line for snacks, and coming towards you are your ex-boyfriend, whom you haven't seen or spoken to in a year, and his new wife [and by "ex-boyfriend" I mean "the guy you dated for almost two years that you thought you were going to marry but then things didn't work out and you burned all the stuff he gave you including all pictures and love mementos but then you got to be friends again and there were no hard feelings and he was your standing date for the movies every weekend and other social events but you were just friends"; and by "his new wife" I mean "the girl he started dating many years after you who told him that he wasn't allowed to be friends with you anymore and that she didn't want him to even speak to you starting about a year ago when they were only dating"].

Then: When they spot you and stop to talk to you, you should:

A) Pretend that you don't see them and keep walking;

B) Stop and politely smile, not really paying attention to what they're saying because you're relishing the fact that he's gotten chubby and you clearly hold the trump card because you're dating a Huge Bald Guy With Biceps As Big As Your Head.

C) Stop and politely smile, saying, "I'm so sorry, I was in a terrible car accident last year and I don't have much memory of the last few years, so I have no idea who you are, but I'm sure you're a very nice person." Then have your friend / caretaker G kindly say, "Bone Junior, this is Recneps - you dated him a long time ago. His now-wife didn't want you to talk to him anymore, and now he is a bit chubbier than he was when you dated him", and then politely walk away.

I've decided to always opt for "C" in the future, should I happen upon an ex without my trump card.

To quote my favorite cynic from "Sex and the City", "Believe me, I would love to be one of those people who's all; we loved, thank you, you enriched my life, now go and prosper. But I'm much more; we didn't work out, you need to not exist."

5 comments:

the queen said...

People always say that "happiness is the best revenge" to which I reply, no it's not. Revenge is when the other person gets fat and ugly and marries a shrew.

Thanks, you made me laugh (and I needed that today)because I've been there, done that.

li'l mil said...

Queen, you killed me with that comment! HAHAAAA!

Bone Junior, if you can't have your trump card present with you, I vote you hypothetically run smack into the new wife, which in turn would hypothetically smash the hypothetical nachos you'd hypothetically be carrying at the precise angle to hypothetically smear all over her hypothetical new shirt and hypothetically ruin it for as long as they both shall live. Or...I guess that would actually be for time and all eternity.

Andi Mae said...

Who needs revenge when you have blackmail? I have a pic of said ex wearing a Winnie the Pooh blanket with no pants on underneath...when he was thinner.

barb said...

yeah. you have totally done better. i mean... you're like, hot. and stuff.

photography by Mikki said...

Sarah!!! How have you been? It feels like so long since I've seen you're beautiful face and I'm longing to be in your presence... Anything new going on?