Derby Hurts, Even Though it Looks Like I Just Cut Myself Shaving

Derby Week 7 was tough. The whole day had been crappy, with me spending 8 hours in a certification class where I was the only girl, and no one wanted to sit by me. Well, someone sat by me and first, and then got up and moved. So, I already felt super awesome about myself, and by the end of the day, I felt too pissy and angry to fail more at derby. But, we went and I'm glad we did.

By the end of the night, I was drenched in sweat, red in the face, and completely out of breath. Kind of like right after I eat a Whopper. We started doing some of the skills testing, which did not go as well as I'd hoped.

It's critical to be able to pass the skills test because...gulp...our first official public scrimmage has been set for April 2. When they announced that, I pooped my pants a little because I'm nowhere near ready to make my public debut as a top spinning out of control. But it means I still have about five weeks to get up to par.

The skills testing consisted of us skating around the track while our Fresh Meat Mamas called out different things for us to do: falling on one knee, the rockstar fall, the baseball slide, weaving, squatting, jumping...and I'll tell you how many of those things I felt confident doing. Exactly one. After seven weeks of training, I finally feel comfortable going down on one knee and popping back up. The other falls? Not so much.

I skated off to the side and watched as my fellow tofutti cuties and the vets were circling around, effortlessly throwing their bodies down to the track and getting back up again, doing baseball slides and rockstar slides. Over and over, they went around and around and I just stood there and watched, looking like a scared kitty in the river, clutching to a branch to prevent getting swept downstream. I gnawed on my mouth guard and pretended to adjust my laces so that no one would think I was just giving up. But the Fresh Meat Mamas are way too smart for that, and they immediately called me out on it.

England's Glory (who's butt is totally my inspiration to keep going - have you seen that thing? Amazing!) called out to me and asked if I'd learned how to do these falls. I said yes, technically I'd "learned" them, but I just couldn't "do" them. All in a whiny, helpless voice which totally solidified the scared-kitty-in-the-river feeling I had. Then Wanton and Daisy skated over and I knew I was about to get chewed up and spit out right back into the river.

The Fresh Meat Mamas are all so incredibly nice, but firm. They don't put up with half-assing it, and you're never allowed to say "I can't" to them. They could see the apprehension on my face, and Wanton said, "I don't expect you to be perfect, I just want to see you TRY." And Daisy chipped in with, "Here, I'll skate along with you and we'll do it together. You just need to get out of your head, and think "seduction..."

Seduction? What part of baseball slide says 'seduction'? My version of the baseball slide was skating as fast as I could (read: not very fast at all) then throwing my body down until I eventually come to a stop in a heap. Daisy's version was skating as fast as she could (read: really really fast) then gracefully laying herself across the track like a pin-up girl posing on a couch. It was incredible.

So I gave it a few more tries, using my mental version of seduction, and I don't care how I actually looked in the end - in my mind, I looked just like Daisy. Watching the veterans and mentally making my body move just like theirs gives me more confidence. And yes, I DO know that my mental-me and my reality-me are very very far apart.

So Wanton and Daisy made me get back out on the track and at least keep trying. Which I did, far be it from even close to passing the skills test, but I tried. Sometime during the night, I did a fall and cleated my left shin with my right skate. I figured it was just a bruise and kept going. Later, I got my skates tangled with another girl and flipped ass over teakettle and accidentally went right into a baseball slide! So I didn't really get hurt on that one.

When I got home, I realized that by cleating myself, I'd actually managed to draw first blood. My shin was swollen like a baseball and turning green all the way around. Of course in pictures, it looks like I just cut myself shaving, but trust me, it's green. Hopefully it will get more colorful and the pictures will turn out better. But I promise, it's not from shaving.



Ok April 2, here we come!