Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Grandmas Usually Like Me So Much

Last weekend, I went to a bridal shower for my good friend Nicole. Each guest was given a theme to follow for their gifts, and they were all "First's". First fight, first adventure, first spring cleaning, things like that. Naturally, I was assigned "First Night." Cake. I had this one in the bag.

I went shopping for some lingerie and found some really cute stuff. Nothing super scandalous; just teeny tiny bright pink thongs, a lacy black see thru neglige, and a zebra striped teddy with matching thong. Also I found a book of "365 Sexual Positions" and a bottle of chocolate syrup. I This was all fun stuff, but let's be honest; it could have been a LOT worse.

At the shower, the other person who'd been assigned First Night was this girl Jazz. Jazz is married to one of the supers that Nicole and I work with; and as much as I love Nicole, I was really glad that Jazz was at the shower to keep me company. The rest of the guests were grandmas, great aunts, third cousins...you get the idea. Pretty much all old ladies. Jazz and I sat in our chairs, just waiting for the moment when Nicole would open our gifts and die of embarassment.

So my gifts were pretty tame. Jazz, on the other hand? Pretty much went all out. She made this red silk bag out of an old prom dress and filled it with goodies - all of which were individually wrapped so that Nicole couldn't just look in the bag without pulling anything out. Brilliant, Jazz.

When Nicole started to open our gifts, I was more focused on the Grandma's than on Nicole. Because they? Were not amused. Especially when Nicole started slowly unwrapping a whip...then handcuffs... then lube...THEN a vibrating penis ring from Jazz's bag. Of course, Jazz and I were dying...but poor Nicole was mortified.

Afterwards, one particular Grandma came up to me, patted me on the shoulder and said, "You girls are cute." Pregnant pause, then a click of the tongue. "Disgusting...but cute." Exit Grandma, stage left. Cut to Bone Junior with mouth agape.

What! I have never been called disgusting by a Grandma before. I didn't know what to do except laugh. But seriously, she was offended? IT'S A BRIDAL SHOWER!! If I ever get married, I'll be offended if I DON'T get those kinds of gifts! Isn't that the whole point? Seriously.

Apparently after we left, Grandma went up to Nicole and said, "I don't think you should be running around with those girls." Well, it's not the first time I've been referred to as a bad influence - just the first time by a Grandma.

I wish I'd left the shower in a grand manner, a la Gloriana's mom. "Bye, Douchebags!" Oh well; see you at the wedding, Grandma!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

God Help the Twelve-Year-Old Who Tries to Ruin My Movie

A few weeks ago, I went to see the new Transformers movie with my good friends Erin & Ryan. Two years ago, we'd all gone to see the first Transformers together, so it was only fitting that we make a tradition out of it.

The tickets were bought days ahead of time and we were able to reserve one of the sections of four seats off to the side. As the previews were starting, we noticed that there were six kids squished into the row of four seats in front of us. They'd put up the arm rests and squeezed their prepubescent bums into the too-small space. They'd probably bought their tickets late and could only find four seats all together, but they decided to buck the system and sit together anyway. They were already annoying me.

About halfway through the movie, the two boys in the seat directly in front of me started getting really obnoxious. One of them was purposely popping and snapping his gum with his mouth wide open so that it was making an incredibly loud noise. He'd pop, his stupid gaggle of geese would laugh, he'd pop again, they'd laugh again, lather, rinse, repeat. You get the idea. And you can probably picture the smoke that was starting to come out of my nose and ears.

Erin and I kept exchanging annoyed glances. I finally turned to her and hissed, "If he pops his gum One. More. Time. I am going to kick his seat so hard he won't know what hit him!"

I swear, no more than three seconds passed before the ass hat popped his gum again. And I also swear to you that I don't know what came over me in those next seconds. It was like something took over my body, and I physically reacted before my brain even had time to process what happened.

After I heard the final pop, both of my legs involuntarily cocked, bringing my knees all the way back to my chest before releasing the wrath of Bone Junior on to the back of the kid's seat. I kicked him so hard that he went forward out of his seat with a whiplash-like fury of momentum.

The best part was that I watched the whole thing as if it were in slow motion. The kid's dark silhouette being thrust forward against the bright light of the movie screen. He was like one of those crash test dummies getting rear-ended. It was a thing of beauty. It's just too bad he didn't choke on his gum. I also wish that he'd been holding a bag of popcorn, because to see popcorn flying through the air would have been golden.

The next best part was that Erin and I started laughing, and none of the kids even dared to turn around and face me. That's the power of taking a stand against obnoxious movie goers.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Feliz Cumplianos, Amigas!

Happy Birthday to my dear, dear friend, Heather. Today, she is thirty, flirty and thriving! Please tell me SOMEONE knows what movie that is from...and Happy Birthday to my dear, dear friend Andi! She is twenty-eight? I think? She is great with child and looks amazing.

Heather and I met in August 2001 when I moved into Southridge Apartments and she was already living there. That year of living together was adventurous to say the least. I literally have hours and hours of video footage of Heather and me doing pranks. Or, mostly me doing pranks to Heather. Like the time I set up the camera across from her bed, and I hid in her bed FOREVER waiting for her to come to bed. Seriously, I waited, squished down between the bed and the wall. Forever. Then when she came into the room, she totally didn't even react to me jumping up and scaring her. Totally anticlimatic.

Now that I think about it, a lot of my pranks have turned out that way. Just ask Yanaj. One time, I hung a life sized Elvis cardboard cutout from her ceiling, thinking that she'd freak out when she turned the light on because OH MY GOSH THERE'S A MAN IN A GOLD SUIT HOLDING A GUITAR HANGING FROM MY CEILING but no. Nothing. She just sighed and said, "Oh, Bone Junior!"

Then there was the time when I hid in Yanaj's closet, waiting for her to come back from the bathroom so I could jump out and scare her. At the time, Yanaj had a curtain covering her closet, so there I sat, crouched behind the curtain (which I was able to see through), waiting...and waiting...and waiting. When she finally came out of the bathroom, I was all ready to pounce, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then she started taking her clothes off.

My eyes were squeezed shut as I contemplated what to do. Do I jump out and scare her now, when she's half undressed and then she'll think I was sitting there watching her get undressed which is totally creepy, and which I totally wasn't doing. And she'd totally be embarassed if she thought I'd seen her half naked (which she totally shouldn't be embarassed about because Yanaj once saw my entire bare ass reflected in a mirror by accident.) Or do I just sit and wait until she leaves the room and not even tell her I was in there, but then I wasted a totally good scare!!

I think eventually she left the room and I snuck out without her knowing. I'm sure I told her about it later though. It's just one more story for the books of Yanaj and Bone Junior.

So what started out as a celebratory birthday post for two of my friends has turned into a post about me. Hey, it's my blog. Happy birthday, Heather & Andi!