Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Grandmas Usually Like Me So Much

Last weekend, I went to a bridal shower for my good friend Nicole. Each guest was given a theme to follow for their gifts, and they were all "First's". First fight, first adventure, first spring cleaning, things like that. Naturally, I was assigned "First Night." Cake. I had this one in the bag.

I went shopping for some lingerie and found some really cute stuff. Nothing super scandalous; just teeny tiny bright pink thongs, a lacy black see thru neglige, and a zebra striped teddy with matching thong. Also I found a book of "365 Sexual Positions" and a bottle of chocolate syrup. I This was all fun stuff, but let's be honest; it could have been a LOT worse.

At the shower, the other person who'd been assigned First Night was this girl Jazz. Jazz is married to one of the supers that Nicole and I work with; and as much as I love Nicole, I was really glad that Jazz was at the shower to keep me company. The rest of the guests were grandmas, great aunts, third cousins...you get the idea. Pretty much all old ladies. Jazz and I sat in our chairs, just waiting for the moment when Nicole would open our gifts and die of embarassment.

So my gifts were pretty tame. Jazz, on the other hand? Pretty much went all out. She made this red silk bag out of an old prom dress and filled it with goodies - all of which were individually wrapped so that Nicole couldn't just look in the bag without pulling anything out. Brilliant, Jazz.

When Nicole started to open our gifts, I was more focused on the Grandma's than on Nicole. Because they? Were not amused. Especially when Nicole started slowly unwrapping a whip...then handcuffs... then lube...THEN a vibrating penis ring from Jazz's bag. Of course, Jazz and I were dying...but poor Nicole was mortified.

Afterwards, one particular Grandma came up to me, patted me on the shoulder and said, "You girls are cute." Pregnant pause, then a click of the tongue. "Disgusting...but cute." Exit Grandma, stage left. Cut to Bone Junior with mouth agape.

What! I have never been called disgusting by a Grandma before. I didn't know what to do except laugh. But seriously, she was offended? IT'S A BRIDAL SHOWER!! If I ever get married, I'll be offended if I DON'T get those kinds of gifts! Isn't that the whole point? Seriously.

Apparently after we left, Grandma went up to Nicole and said, "I don't think you should be running around with those girls." Well, it's not the first time I've been referred to as a bad influence - just the first time by a Grandma.

I wish I'd left the shower in a grand manner, a la Gloriana's mom. "Bye, Douchebags!" Oh well; see you at the wedding, Grandma!


li'l mil said...

So, I vote you cancel the Hot Cops you hired for Nicole's bachelorette party and send 'em to Grandma's house instead.

Cue hilarity.

$teve said...

That's awesome...and next time you need help picking out lingerie... :)

P.S. I read Li'l Mil's message...so what's the grandma's address? Don't worry, this one is one the house. Grandma's love me like Matlock...but I'm thinking more of a Joe Friday angle. "Just the facts ma'am. Now turn around and spread 'em."

Erin said...

hahaha. and this is why i love you so much. I'll just think of you as my "disgusting" friend from now on. and at your bridal shower, you can count on me to be the disgusting one.

LecNessMonster said...

I'm offended by the grandmas.

Did you tell them that they're so miserable because they DON'T have a vibrating penis ring in their life?

I mean, I would have.

photography by Mikki said...

you should have spanked grandma.

andi said...

HA!...were you there when Barbie gave us all "bridal" gifts before HER wedding...with her mom in tow? Let's just say I did not receive the cucumber. It's all about having a sense of humor- and get-over-it-ness.

You can be my disgusting friend any time.

Em and Jer said...

Oh man I knew I was missing a great time!! Wish I could have been there with you :)