Tuesday, July 14, 2009

God Help the Twelve-Year-Old Who Tries to Ruin My Movie

A few weeks ago, I went to see the new Transformers movie with my good friends Erin & Ryan. Two years ago, we'd all gone to see the first Transformers together, so it was only fitting that we make a tradition out of it.

The tickets were bought days ahead of time and we were able to reserve one of the sections of four seats off to the side. As the previews were starting, we noticed that there were six kids squished into the row of four seats in front of us. They'd put up the arm rests and squeezed their prepubescent bums into the too-small space. They'd probably bought their tickets late and could only find four seats all together, but they decided to buck the system and sit together anyway. They were already annoying me.

About halfway through the movie, the two boys in the seat directly in front of me started getting really obnoxious. One of them was purposely popping and snapping his gum with his mouth wide open so that it was making an incredibly loud noise. He'd pop, his stupid gaggle of geese would laugh, he'd pop again, they'd laugh again, lather, rinse, repeat. You get the idea. And you can probably picture the smoke that was starting to come out of my nose and ears.

Erin and I kept exchanging annoyed glances. I finally turned to her and hissed, "If he pops his gum One. More. Time. I am going to kick his seat so hard he won't know what hit him!"

I swear, no more than three seconds passed before the ass hat popped his gum again. And I also swear to you that I don't know what came over me in those next seconds. It was like something took over my body, and I physically reacted before my brain even had time to process what happened.

After I heard the final pop, both of my legs involuntarily cocked, bringing my knees all the way back to my chest before releasing the wrath of Bone Junior on to the back of the kid's seat. I kicked him so hard that he went forward out of his seat with a whiplash-like fury of momentum.

The best part was that I watched the whole thing as if it were in slow motion. The kid's dark silhouette being thrust forward against the bright light of the movie screen. He was like one of those crash test dummies getting rear-ended. It was a thing of beauty. It's just too bad he didn't choke on his gum. I also wish that he'd been holding a bag of popcorn, because to see popcorn flying through the air would have been golden.

The next best part was that Erin and I started laughing, and none of the kids even dared to turn around and face me. That's the power of taking a stand against obnoxious movie goers.

13 comments:

andi said...

LAUGHING OUT LOUD! I was waiting for the part where you broke the seat and the usher with the orange cone flashlight came to escort you out and then you gave HIM the what-for, too.

Bone Junior: 1. Obnoxious kid: 0.

andi said...

LAUGHING OUT LOUD! I was waiting for the part where you broke the seat and the usher with the orange cone flashlight came to escort you out and then you gave HIM the what-for, too.

Bone Junior: 1. Obnoxious kid: 0.

$teve said...

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Sarahisdabomb.com!!! :) I'm just glad that I wasn't breathing through my nose too loud. Who knows what would of whoopin' would've been inflicted upon me? :)

li'l mil said...

I just snortled louder than I ever have before and almost choked on it. Can TOTALLY picture that whole scenario.

The question is: if he HAD choked on his gum, would you have come to his rescue with the heimlich or just let him turn blue while waiting for someone more qualified to come along and do it?

Bone Junior said...

If he'd choked on his gum, then my friend, the one-armed man, would've come out and pointedly said, "And THAT'S...why you NEVER POP YOUR GUM."

Please tell me you caught the Arrested Development reference...

Jackie said...

I can't get the crash test dummy image out of my head... thank you.

PS- The one-armed man would have truly sealed the deal.

photography by Mikki said...

...laughing out loud at work...and i would pay to see that in a movie scene- who know that's all we had to do to annoying people at movies...the whispering lovers, the texters, etc.

Tiffany Sommer said...

Love it!!! I really need to go to more movies with you - i need to witness one of these moments :-). And I totally caught the AD reference.

Tiffany Sommer said...

Love it! I really need to go to more movies with you - i want to witness one of these moments! And I totally caught the AD reference - very nice :-)

LecNessMonster said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I once turned around and introduced myself to a woman - and asked her name (I believe it was Gail) who was having an audible conversation with her date during the movie, that had nothing to do with the movie (even if it had, still...), and told her that I had been given 30 days to live and she was ruining my last cinema experience.

She was either horrified by the truth or fiction of my story because she didnt even BREATHE for the rest of the screening.

Win.

li'l mil said...

OH Lady. Just imagine the super power combination of you and Bone Junior at the movies together. You'd probably be given free passes for life just to leave the poor, oblivious blokes alone.

Marostica said...

I'm scared!

Erin said...

yay for uncocking your legs. it was funny and also awesome.