Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Operation: Save Samuel

There are three things I love: surprises, practical jokes, and my car. When I went out to my car at lunch, I realized that someone had managed to combine all three. The following letter was left on my windshield:

Ransom Note

To whom it may concern:

I have your beloved Samuel...

He is being treated nicely well, now that we have broken his spirit...(he is healing quite nicely).

He will be returned to you once you have met our demands:

- $3,849.96 in unmarked bills and / or coins (or a can of Western Family Toffee Peanuts and a 32 oz. Diet Pepsi, you choose)

- To be delivered at 9:00 am Thursday morning

- To be left in a brown paper bag (not plastic, they are filling up our landfills) under the tree on the north side of the north entrance to the Canyon River Office Building

- Take your cell phone with you. As soon as the delivery has been made you will receive a phone call telling you what to do from there.

Once these demands have been met, you will be instructed on where you can reunite with your creepy friend. Failure to execute these simple tasks will result in the untimely death and disappearance of Samuel...or I'll just cut his hair off.

Yours truly,


So. We have a conundrum. Vote to tell me what I should do!

In Your Face, Lady Doctor

So it's that time of year again...time to visit the Lady Doctor. It was this time last year when My Lady Doctor made the comment that broke the camel's back and sealed the deal on my decision to get new bazoombas.

Don't remember that story? Allow me to refresh you. I laid on the table for the breast exam, closed my eyes and opened my robe, as per usual; when My New (at that time) Lady Doctor exclaimed, "Oh! It's a good thing you have such small breasts! It makes my job so much easier!"

Fast forward to the present, and I have a whole new story for you.

Usually when I visit the Lady Doctor, I wrap that tiny paper robe / lap cover around me as tight as I possibly can, which usually results in several rips and tears in unflattering places. I try to cover every inch of my body, especially my tiny boobs. I was more comfortable unveiling my downtown bonanza than my boobs, so when the time came for the breast exam, I closed my eyes and made a sad sighing sound, never making eye contact with the doctor. It was the most mortifying two minutes of the year for me.

THIS year, I didn't even try to tie the robe closed. When the Lady Doctor came in, she asked how I'd been since last year, and I said, "Well! Remember how last year you told me that it was a good thing my breasts were so small??"

And then, in the fashion of My Big Fat Greek Wedding - you know, the part when the sister unveils her bridesmaid dress and whips her coat open with a flourish and everyone gasps? Yeah; that was me. Except I was whipping open a paper robe and unveiling ginormous bazoombas instead of a bridesmaid dress. I may have even punctuated it with a "Wah-POW!" noise, I'm not sure. In any case, Lady Doctor's eyes got wide and she nodded in approval, "Nice!"

The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful, because really, where do you go after a show like that? I think I made my point.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Sometimes You Just Go For It

Friday was our marketing director's last day at work, so we all chipped in to get a massive, seven-pound chocolate-chocolate-chocolate cake from Costco. I loaded the cake into my car and headed back to work, and several minutes later, I noticed a questionable brown smear on my right palm.


You're probably thinking, why would a brown smear on my palm give me pause, but think about it. I know I had to think about it. What if, just what if I assumed it was chocolate, licked it, and it turned out I had made a horrible mistake?

I didn't have anything handy to wipe it on, and besides, if it was chocolate, I didn't want to waste it by wiping it on a napkin or something. But what if it wasn't chocolate...

I seriously debated for a long time about this. Several factors came into play: when did I go to the bathroom last? (Before lunch, so at least two hours ago). Did I wash my hands? (yes, but it's possible I just did the quick once-over rinse and missed a spot). Is it possible I'd been going around with a poo smear on my hand for nearly two hours? (possible). How many other countless things had I touched in the last two hours that I could have potentially smeared poo/chocolate on? (clothes, face, hair - a quick body scan yielded no stray stains). Did I dare just go for it and lick my palm so that I wouldn't risk wasting chocolate? (not just yes, but hell yes).

I brought my palm to my face and smelled. No odor indicating one way or the other. Hmmm. I closed my eyes and tentatively stuck out the tip of my tongue, knowing full well what I risked to lose here.

I can't describe the relief I felt when I tasted chocolate. I swear my heart stopped and then skipped a beat in those seconds leading up to Chocolate Realization. Because let's be honest, it could have gone either way.

Then I went to town licking all up on my hand. I hope I was entertaining for the people in the car next to me.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Spread the Word

Okay everybody out there in the blogger world...that includes any blog stalkers that I may have...this is a very special post and I want you listen up, or should I say read up. I'd like you to meet my friend Julia and her husband Brett. (I know Julia through my good friend Erin, and I have basically plagerized this post from Erin's blog. Even though I stole Erin's words, I feel exactly the same as she does about Julia and Brett. One luv.)They have been married for 6 years now, and have been wanting to be parents for almost as long. Right now they are trying to adopt, and so far haven't been blessed with a baby...they're trying to get the word out to as many people as possible. So, if you know of someone, or know of someone who may know someone, tell them you found the perfect family for a little baby to be loved in, to be snuggled, to be played with, and to grow up with the best mom and dad a kid could ask for.

They have so much love to give, and if something doesn't happen soon, I'll have no choice but to get knocked up and give them MY baby just because they want this so badly and are so deserving of a sweet, Mexican-looking child. And you know me - I'll do it.

If you know anyone considering adoption please pass their information along: