Why Sometimes I Hate Boys Wednesday

DEAR MCBICEP,

I HOPE YOU HAD A NICE TIME IN HAWAII, BUT AFTER TWO WEEKS OF NOT HEARING FROM YOU, I'VE NARROWED THE POSSIBLE REASONS DOWN TO THE FOLLOWING:

A) YOUR FLIGHT WAS REROUTED TO AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE THAT HAS NO PHONES, COMPUTERS, TELEGRAPH MACHINES OR SOUP CAN TELEPHONES;

B) YOU DIED;

C) YOU LOST YOUR HANDS IN HAWAII AND HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO PICK UP A PHONE OR WRITE AN EMAIL DUE TO THE LOSS OF YOUR OPPOSABLE THUMBS;

D) YOU'RE TRAPPED UNDER SOMETHING VERY LARGE, WHICH, CONSIDERING YOUR SIZE, WOULD HAVE TO BE SOMETHING EXTREMELY LARGE LIKE THE ROCKY STATUE.

IF YOU HAVE IN FACT DIED, I'LL FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT SENDING THIS EMAIL. OTHERWISE, SOME TYPE OF CONTACT WOULD BE APPRECIATED.

- BONE JUNIOR

PS - I'M MAKING LABELS AS I'M WRITING THIS AND I'M TOO LAZY TO TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK, SO THAT'S WHY THIS IS IN ALL CAPS.