Thursday, June 21, 2007

Because My Real Name is Boring

One of my favorite ways to be socially inappropriate is to purposely mispronounce things. My friend Heather is the best at this game - I'll never forget the time we went to the fancy wedding reception of a mutual friend. Heather, straight faced and stoic, asked the server for the "the chicken parma-gee-ah-nuh with the fetta-sign al-freddo". When the food was brought out, Heather pretended not to understand the server's thick Italian accent, announcing the "Chicken parmaSHAna with fettuCHInee alFRAYdo?" and stared straight ahead before questioning, "Oh! Is that the fetta-sign?"

Heather and I also like to embarrass eachother by giving fake names. One time, she scheduled an eyebrow waxing for us, and told them my name was Hermione. I felt really cool saying, "I have a 9:30 appointment......Hermione."

Yesterday, my socially inappropriate lying / attempt to embarrass a friend backfired on me big time. I went to lunch with my former co-worker, Jen. When asked to give a name for our order, I immediately replied, "Henefir."

Ten minutes later, they called out, "HENEFIR? HENEFIR?" and I walked up to the counter to pick up our food. Little did I know that the name had peaked the interest of some other people.

I sat down and was immediately approached by a Sweet Old Lady who said, "Excuse me...Did they say your name was Henefir?"

Bone Junior: Um, yeah.

SOL: Is that your last name?

Meanwhile, Jen is sitting across from me, waiting to see how far I'm going to take this.

Bone Junior: No, it's my first's Spanish for 'Jennifer'. You know, Jennifer, Henefir, Jennifer, Henefir...

By this point, Jen (who is struggling to remain composed) knows I'm going balls out.

SOL: Looks puzzled. Hmmmm. I've never heard that before. My husband has family with the last name Henefir, but I've never heard it as a first name.

Bone Junior: Inner voice saying Shut up! Shut up! Stop talking! Oh, yeah, it's actually Hwa-tay-mall-an. (Guatemalan).

SOL: Still looking puzzled, as clearly I am not Guatemalan. Or maybe she thinks I am Guatemalan but can't figure out why I feel the need to put on my thickest Spanish accent to say "Guatemalan." Hmmm. How interesting...

I just stared right back at Sweet Old Lady, daring her to challenge my claim. Eventually, she meandered off - I don't know if she believed me or just thought I was handicapped. She looked at me the way Nicole looked at me when I was hiding under my desk at work and told her that I was playing Anne Frank. Either way, I think I made my point.

In McBicep news, the D-Town Countdown has officially begun: 14 days. Let the butterflies begin.

In other news, G got some action. Hoo ha for G! Here's hoping that in two weeks, I can proudly say the same.


HPLuvr said...

As I continued to read I kinda kept hoping that you were going to get caught by the old lady. Oh well. Still a good story. Do you already have the PERFECT outfits picked out...for?

The Rules said...

No "oh well" about it. I laughed so hard I almost puked! That's right, I said puke.

Reminds of the multiple occasions that my family would go to restaurants and while Dad was parking the car, Mom would put our name in as Bueller. But we were never able to pull it off with the ferocity that you have here. Bravo!

Andi Mae said...

Could you please just try out for "Last Comic Standing"? You wouldn't even have to make up stuff to write.

I am surprised you haven't given your name as somthing like Rotch. Mike Rotch. (Adam totally get pranked by something similar when he worked at a grocery store. And he announced it over the store PA without even realizing it.)

Erin said...

i think hennifer is a beautiful name...just flows right off the tongue.