Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Check That Off My Bucket List

I spent the entire week last week at a conference about stormwater. The last two days were training and an exam for a specific certification. I haven't taken a test that long since my SAT's, and afterwards, I crashed and burned, Mav. As in, I was asleep by 7 pm on a Friday and then spent the rest of the weekend sick in bed. Fun times were had by all, I can assure you.

Given the extremely exciting and stimulating nature of the conference (I mean, seriously, how much can you talk about illicit discharge? Put a panty liner on it and be done with it, right?) and since two days in a classroom with a dozen male engineers is everyone's idea of a good time, I had to provide my own entertainment. Which I did mostly by giggling to myself a lot, saying "That's what she said" under my breath a lot, and keeping a tally of everything that sounded remotely dirty. Oh, and by getting stuck in the bathroom.

We had a twenty-minute break one morning, and being the only female in the building, I headed to the bathroom to take a dump kill time. The lights in the bathroom were motion activated, I'd open the door, step into the dark and the lights would kick on. I kept hoping someone would jump out and yell, "Surprise!" but that never happened.

So there I was, taking a dump playing dirty words with friends on my cell phone, and I must've lost track of time because all of a sudden, the lights turned off, and I was sitting in pitch black darkness. It startled me and I audibly gasped, said, "What the heck?!" and nervously giggled. I waved my arms around a little, expecting the lights to kick back on...but nothing happened.

I waved my arms a little more emphatically, and still nothing. I giggled a little more nervously, and waved my arms again. Still nothing. There I sat in total darkness and contemplated my options. I couldn't get up off the toilet; I couldn't hold out hope that another lady would come in and activate the lights - and actually, that probably would've been more embarrassing, to have someone walk into the dark and then find out I'd been sitting there all along. How would I explain that? Hi, I'm just the weirdo sitting here in the dark, no big deal. That's like To Catch a Predator weird.

So I did what any normal person would do in this situation - I alternated between frantically waving my hands over my head and clapping, while simultaneously making loud noises like "Ca-CAW! Ca-CAW! Whoop! Whoop!", trying desperately to activate the lights.


I was running out of time, so I finally accepted my fate, and finished my business in the dark. It wasn't until after I'd gotten up, flushed, fumbled to open the stall, and found my way blindly to the sink that the lights decided to finally come back on. My only saving grace was that I was able to wash my hands in the light and make sure I hadn't made a total mess of myself.

So I guess I can check that off my bucket list. You know how the old saying goes: you haven't really lived until you've had to wipe your butt in the dark.


andi said...

HAHAHA! Words can't begin to describe the visual I have of this in my head!

LecNessMonster said...

You. Are. My HERO.

Next time, wad up a massive ball of TP and fling it out of the stall and try to trigger the sensor. Wash, rinse, repeat. But I do admire the CaCAW maneuver.

We have the same motion sensor thing at my office, along with motion sensor faucets and MOTION SENSOR FLUSHERS (which by the way are really embarrassing when you just have to pee and the thing flushes like 4 times because you sat down wrong, meanwhile someone in the next stall thinks you're trying to hide a few dirty little brown secrets...).

Thankfully plenty of women abound on my floor so this scenario you experienced is unlikely for me; howEVER, due to cost cutting measures they've shortened the light-illumination time and a few of my "pals" tell me "they've" gotten stuck. And then caught by the prim and proper lady from the next department over, who now gives dirty looks every time she sees "them" in the kitchenette. I feel sorry for "those coworkers". Sure glad I'm not "them". Ahem. :)

IndyGo Wylde said...

Oh Bone! I have missed your posts! You made my day today.