Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Check, and Mate

I'm not sure if what I did today was totally horrible or totally awesome, but I'm leaning towards awesome. Here's what happened:

I was sitting in my car in the Costco parking lot on my lunch break, parked far out in the lot away from other cars. I was playing some Words with Friends and enjoying the weather with my windows down when a middle-aged lady in a minivan pulled up next to me. She smiled and said, "Hi, I reeeeeeeeeeealllly like your car. It's soooooooooooooo nice. Soooooooooooooooo nice. I want to get me one of those. Can I ask you a favor?"

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, but obliged her politely. Then she launched into her not-so-well-rehearsed story:

"I'm trying to get to Stockton California, I just broke up with my boyfriend because he hit me, he's a good guy but I just broke up with him, and I'm trying to get to Stockton California, because I have to get away from my boyfriend because he hit me, can you help me out with gas or anything at all?"

My eyes narrowed even further into teeny little angry slits as I mentally assessed the situation:
1. This lady was slurring, bad;
2. She could barely keep her eyes open;
3. Her minivan looked fairly new;
4. The rock on her finger was HUGE;
5. She was speaking in one long, slurred, run-on sentence;
6. Did I mention she was slurring and could barely keep her eyes open?
7. She had no visible bruises that I could see;
8. There were no kids in her vehicle, but there was a car seat in the back.

Taking all these factors into consideration, I waited until she ran out of breath and stopped talking. Then I smiled sweetly and said, "Sure, I'll help you out if you can pass this drug test..." and I held up the five-panel drug test that I'd pulled from my center console.

Blink. Blink.

Now, before you think I'm a heartless, stereotyping, uncharitable, hateful weirdo who always has a drug test on hand, let me explain something. I worked as a substance abuse counselor for four years and feel pretty confident that I can tell when someone is under the influence. I'm not saying I have perfect radar, but this woman was so obviously exhibiting signs of being impaired and she was so obviously trying to con me that I took the opportunity to call her bluff.

Why did I have a drug test in my car? That's a good question...it's been in my console for so long that I don't even notice it anymore. I think it's been there for years. My best guess is that it got shuffled in with my stuff from the treatment center, and I tossed it in there with the intention of throwing it away. It's probably expired and wouldn't even have worked if the lady had decided to call my bluff; in which case things would've gotten really awkward.

But she didn't call my bluff; instead she got pissed and yelled, "Bitch!" as she burned rubber away from me. Her tires literally squealed.

So, you might think I'm a heartless, stereotyping, uncharitable, hateful weirdo because I didn't just hand this lady a twenty and count my good deed for the day; but based on her reaction, I don't think my "stereotyping" was too far off the mark.

Who knew that an expired drug test would be so handy?


Josh and Gloriana said...


Janay said...

So THAT'S what you're supposed to say to coke-heads to make them go away! And all this time I've been throwing rocks. Thanks for the insight.

spyderette said...

wow. i'm gonna go with awesome but feel terrible for this woman's children. wacko. for sure. and go you. she totally got boned. :)

rvelazquez said...

Love it!! LOL I would have liked to see the outcome had she said ok...but I think I like this outcome better ;) I have no pity for junkies trying to bum money...

andi said...

You're so quick...I would have offered the lame, yet true, excuse that I had no money. Or acted like I was hearing impaired and couldn't hear her. I like your option better.

Brooke said...

And yet again you prove that choosing you as my hero was an amazing choice.

G said...

So, I have to dress up like my favorite hero for an upcoming Halloween party... Seems like Bone is the obvious choice... Good thing I have the hair stripe down.

Jackie said...

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Heather said...

My word! That is awesome! You are totally brilliant. And I wouldn't be surprised if your response ended up helping that lady out. I hope so, at least. It was such a shocking reply that maybe it made her stop to think a little bit . . . after stopping to think became an option again.

Tarable said...

I think what you did is freakin' awesome!!! Hahaha... You seriously rock. I love it! I wish I could have seen that go down.

Mary Jane Smith said...

Man! I gotta get me one a them drug testers!

Ginnie said...

What? Doesn't everyone keep a spare drug test in their car? Sounds completely normal to me. You KILL me! :)