I'm Starting to Feel Like They're Patronizing Me

Pretty much everyone who knows me knows that I don't cook. Nobody knows this better than Bone Senior and Yanaj. Bone Senior because she's my sister and every time I ask her for a recipe, she says what's the point because she knows I won't make it; and Yanaj because we lived together for years and she's seen me add my frustrated tears to more than one recipe attempt.

They both know that I'm completely inept at cooking, and that I don't want to put any effort whatsoever into my food preparation. They both know I'll go to bed hungry before actually making something more than a bowl of cereal. And yet they love me anyway, which is why I don't get mad when they send me recipes that have been tailored to my special needs.

It all started when Yanaj sent me the following email last week:

Bone Junior. This salat will make your head spin in the glory of it's ease and tasty-ness. Trust me. For your own sake. You need to make this. I've given you lots of very specific directions just to preemptively answer any questions but make no mistake, this is REALLY easy to make. I PROMISE. DO NOT BE SCARED BY THE NUMBER OF INGREDIENTS!!

Bread Salat:
Get a tough/crunchy baguette and cut it up into bite sized chunks. (you can even let the chunks sit out awhile or put them in a 250 degree oven for a few minutes to make them harder)
-1 package of cherry tomatoes (or something similiar) cut in half, dumped into the bowl
-1 package of mozerella balls (found near cream chese and ricotta cheese. In a tub w/ lots of liquid) cut in half, dumped into the bowl
-fresh basil chop up leaves, dumped into the bowl
-olive oil (nicer stuff is better, but anything will work)
-basalmic vinegar (if you want really fancy get white basalmic because it'll keep it from turning brown, but not AT ALL necessary)
Put all the ingredients in a large bowl. drizzle with a decent amount of olive oil and basalmic vinegar. Add a little salt and pepper and VOILA. An amazing dish that's actually pretty healthy.

It really takes like 3 minutes to put together once you have everything. EAT IT.

I got such a kick out of Yanaj's super specific instructions, down to where to find these items in the grocery store. I was so amused that I forwarded it to Bone Senior. Big mistake, because when I asked her for some recipe suggestions for a work party, I got the following email:

Chocolate Strawberry Angel Fondue Bites without the Fondue

1. Go to the store.
2. Buy an angel food cake (found in the bakery section, or maybe in the produce section.)
3. Buy strawberries (in the produce section)
4. Buy chocolate dip (in the produce section, usually next to the caramel dip for apples)
5. Buy toothpicks.
6. Go home.
7. Get a sharp knife.
8. Cut up angel food cake into bite-sized pieces and put them on a big plate or in a big bowl.
9. Rinse strawberries (the day you’ll be eating them; if you do it the night before they might get puckery) and put them on the other side of the angel food cake plate.
10. Put the chocolate dip into a small bowl so it doesn’t look store-bought. Put the small bowl in the middle of the plate with the angel food cake pieces and strawberries.
11. Put toothpicks in another, smaller bowl or cup to put next to the food.
12. Allow people to stab cake pieces and strawberries with toothpicks, dip them into the chocolate (NO DOUBLE DIPPING!) and eat them like fondue. Without the fondue.

Ok, I thought she made her point. But she felt the need to really drive it home :

Chocolate Chex Caramel Crunch

Ingredients:
1 box Chocolate Chex cereal (found in cereal aisle)
¾ c packed brown sugar (use ¼ c measuring cup; scoop brown sugar into cup and pack it tightly, add more sugar until it fills cup; do this 3 times)
6 Tbsp butter (it’s marked on the wrapper where to cut it)
3 Tbsp honey (run the measuring spoon under hot hot water first and it will help the honey slide out of the spoon easier)
¼ tsp baking soda
¼ c white chocolate chips

Non-food necessities:
Wax paper or parchment paper; foil might stick so I wouldn’t use that
LARGE microwavable bowl
Measuring cup
Measuring spoons
Wooden spoon
Microwave
Oven
Cookie sheet

1. Pour cereal into a large, microwavable bowl. Line cookie sheet with wax paper/parchment paper.
2. In another microwavable bowl: put brown sugar, butter and honey. Microwave uncovered for 1-2 mins, stirring after each minute, until melted and smooth (no butter or sugar clumps). Take out of microwave and stir in baking soda until it’s dissolved (which means you can’t see it anymore). Pour this mixture over the cereal in the large bowl and stir it all up until it’s evenly coated (don’t worry, it’s not an exact science. Just mix it up as well as you can.)
3. Microwave the cereal mixture for 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Take out of microwave and dump the cereal mixture onto the paper lined cookie sheet. Spread the cereal mixture out into one even layer. Let cool 10 mins and then break into bite-sized pieces. (Again, not an exact science, just break up the big clumps into smaller clumps with your fingers, no smashing necessary.)
4. Pour white chocolate chips into a small microwavable bowl. Microwave about 1 minute, until it stirs smooth (which means when you take it out of the microwave there will probably still be some chips visible but as you stir it up, they will melt. I’d start at 30 seconds and check it after that, then another 30, then 15, then so on. You just don’t want to burn it.)
5. Drizzle melted white chocolate over cereal pieces (this is REALLY easy if you just take a Ziploc baggie and spoon the melted chocolate into it, then cut off a bottom corner and squeeze it out of the cut corner. Or just use a spoon to drizzle. No biggie either way. It might be too much hassle to get the chocolate into the baggie.)


After all this trouble, I think I'm just going to bring Candy Soup to the work party. Which is, make a humongous ice cream sundae with a billion different types of candy toppings, let it melt, then indulge. Voila. Candy soup.