Tuesday, July 29, 2008

It's Been a Tramautic Week

During the course of the past seven days, I have done the following:

- Thrown up in Erin's car;

- Had nightmares that a small man was sitting on my chest suffocating me;

- Nearly passed out when the nurse yanked the surgical tape off my brand new boobs, ripping the skin off in the process and causing blisters;

- Didn't poop for six days;

- Slept sitting up every night;

- Had an emotional breakdown when I took my first post-surgery shower (three days after surgery...I know. I'm gross) and saw my bruised, battered, and broken looking new boobs in the mirror. Crying and wailing continued when I tried to raise my arms to wash my hair for the first time;

- Had an emotional recovery when I bought my first cute new bra and rejoiced at the size.

And then... there was last night. I don't know if I can recount the details of the most horrific, traumatic, terrifying thing that's ever happened to me.

First I need to explain that for the past week (and for the next two weeks) my brand new boobs are wrapped in an ace bandage (otherwise they'd pop out the top of my turtleneck) and I have to wear a granny bra on top of that. It's quite the attractive combination.

Last night, due to the fact that I live in the desert, I was sleeping on top of my covers in my skivvies. And by skivvies, I'm referring of course to the sexy hot granny bra and ace bandage. I was thisclose to falling asleep when in my semi-sleep stupor, I felt something crawling on my hand.

I sat straight up in bed and flailed my hand before leaping up and turning on the lamp. If it was a fly, no big deal. But if it was the alternative...a spider...I had to have a visual, hone in on the target, and destroy it.

I spent several minutes scouring my bed and all surrounding areas, but didn't find whatever had been crawling on me. Which made me feel even more unsettled. If I could just see it and know what was there...

I finally convinced myself that it had only been a fly and went to turn the lamp off. When I looked down, I nearly fainted from fright. There, on my brand new boob, was a huge crusty spider. Right. On. My. Boob.

As you can imagine, I let out a manly wail and started to flail, except it was more of a panicked waving motion, as my boobs are so sore, I didn't dare touch them. Not only did the spider not fall off, but it proceeded to crawl across the ace bandage towards my brand new cleavage.

At this point, I started to cry and flail more violently, except this time I bent forward at the waist and did some kind of shimmy (which I'm sure was incredibly attractive and all sexy like) in an effort to stop the spider from reaching my actual skin. Which somehow incredibly shook the spider off my body to the floor, where I promptly grabbed a sneaker and bashed the living hell out of it, crying the whole time.

I'm amazed that my neighbors didn't come over to make sure I hadn't been raped and pillaged.

Then again, judging from the screams they heard, they probably thought I was a man.


li'l mil said...

What?!?!? NO PICTURES?!?? You let me down, Bone, you let me down.

$teve said...

I'm sorry that the past week has been so traumatic. Don't worry, it'll all be better soon once the heathing...er, I mean swelling goes down. :)

(I'm also sorry that I'm not a spider sometimes...)

Andi Mae said...

Yeah, where's your hidden video camera when you need it? No cleavage spy camera?? Drat.

Hoss and Rose said...

I have spider radar. Once, I spotted movement in my suitcase and I unpacked the whole thing until I found the spider and decimated it into oblivion. I think I would have fainted in your situation, at least my spider wasn't touching me. Poor you.

And ditto, "no pictures?" What is that about?

LecNessMonster said...

While reading this, I caught myself laughing shamefully, with a really sad facial expression. Kind of like you would do when a toddler learning to move runs full speed and bashes his head into a dining room table or something.

An "aww ...hawhawhawhaw!" moment.

I don't know why you're so afraid of spiders. Just think: If you get bitten by the right one, you'll not only have righteous new boobs, but righteous superpowers to match :)

mY dEwDrOpS said...

hooray for boobies! boo to spiders! glad you survived! congrats on your new twins :)

Erin said...

I think I peed my pants just now. you really painted a vivid picture for me. that was so funny..but I am glad you weren't deflowered by a spider.