In celebration of The Guvnuh's 25th birthday today, and in light of the fact that I've had nothing interesting to post about for the past week, I give you, finally, and with much flair, The 2007 Oscar Cake...
After nearly an hour of outlining the shape with toothpicks, I finally settle on the classic "Man With Amputeed Arms".
Icing in progress...
...which requires extreme focus and concentration...
...and a little help from Yanaj...
In other news, I did win the Oscar Ballot contest, although it was my worst year on record. As a prize, I received a whoopie cushion (which promptly popped), some screaming rocket balloons (which turned out to be more like groaning blimp balloons), and some silly putty. Huge Bald Guy was in attendance, staying the entire 3 1/2 hours on the couch next to me (Please see Erin's blog for further details), which brings our date total to 7 if you count the party. Date #6 was Saturday night, when we went to dinner and back to his place to watch a movie. Woo hoo!However, still no kiss. The physical contact is slowly increasing. And by physical contact, I mean us being smushed against eachother on the couch and hugging. But no kiss! Maybe Huge Bald Guy moves slowly, which is fine, but mama needs a ten second frencher! Stat!
My friends have provided no shortage of advice for how to go about getting this ten second frencher. One of my favorite examples comes in an email from my amazing friend and stylist, Lez:
You need to create a “go ahead and ravish me” moment. Get to work little lady, “if you create it he will kiss”. So there you have it, that is my strategy and I am sticking to it. As for creating the “go ahead and ravish me moment”-
1. You definitely need to be alone;
2. You should probably get a great blow-dry from your uneducated stylist (a good blow-out always helps a little, no one can say no to a gorgeous head of hair, SEX…Y);
3. You should initiate some deep conversation and make yourself a little vulnerable (tell a story about your childhood or something sappy);
4. Give him puppy-dog eyes, and for the final touch,
5. Pout your lips …and WALA he will be “budda”.
It is as simple as that, so give me a call if you want a fabulous blow-dry. And now I leave you with some last words: just remember that if there isn’t a struggle, it wasn’t worth it.
The best part about Lez's step-by-step advice is when I was relaying the information to Erin later that day and told her, "Lez says the key to getting kissed is a great blow job.... I mean....blow out. Blow dry!! Blow something. Shut up."
Yet with all this advice and input, still nothing. Any and all suggestions are welcomed. I'm also taking bets on how long it will take...
In parting, enjoy a picture of The Famous Elvis Cake, circa January 2007.
13 comments:
Happy Birthday Guvnuh! We celebrate by presenting you with this chocolate, collapsible mummy! Easily folds down the middle,great for confined sarcophagi and Egyptians on the go!
Ok...here's what you do.
Sit him down, tell him that you need to talk and then say, "If you don't kiss me soon, we will have passed the point in a relationship where the word "platonic" starts to come up a lot and neither of us wants that...do we? (bat eyes and pout a little).
The pout ensures that your "innocence" is maintained but your are, at the same time, clearly stating your intentions.
Perfect - don't ya think?
Man, I should start taking my own advice.
Mama always said, slow and steady wins the race! and, girls are like electric stoves, and boys are like gas stoves...but in your case I think it might be the other way around.
I thought the saying was "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" ?
I love it when girls give each other advice about guys. Just LOVE it!
I am providing no advice, but will concur with lezlie that if you don't have to work for it, ain't no fun.
This mama wants to go eat some cake!
I stand by my previously given advice, who was given to me by a guy- (that was for you The Rules) as the official way to get kissed without actually coming out and asking for it. He says he falls for it everytime.
I also want to eat that cake- like the whole thing ...right now. Ohhhh chocolate cake I looooove you.
Also been said that if you watch enough movies together, eventually something has to happen. Woulda worked too...if it wasn't for my stupidness. I believe in it.
wow. you're a pretty god little cake decorator. did i mention hot, too??
i like your living room. it looks hip and a good place for a blow job... i mean blow out... i mean. shut up.
also- can i borrow your oscar cake mold next year?
ok i've been thinking long and hard about a good tip for you. because, rules, we all know girls give each other THE best advice :) if we took advice from guys, where would we end up?? although g sounds like hers is pretty fool-proof if this guy falls for it every time...what is it???
anyway, i vote next time he asks you out, look him straight in the eye and say, "Oh that would be fun. But I've heard a lot of fun things about Squaw Peak...why don't we go there instead?" and, of course, follow that with innocently batting eyelashes.
or you could suggest cold stone. i hear the quickest way to a guy's lips is to suck on his ice cream cone. :)
Oh my goodness Bone senior! I have never heard you say such dirty things before! but i like your advice.
what's dirty about squaw peak and cold stone?? :) i've been trying to push bone junior to take BABAAMY there for months now, i tell ya. she's a stubborn one.
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