Sunday, October 03, 2010

How Bone Does Classy

Last Thursday was Tiff's birthday. (Tiff is my gorgeous roommate, and she asked me to make up a fake name for her on my blog, but the only thing I can think of is Fitt, and that makes it sound like she has palsy or something, so sorry Tiff, we're sticking with Tiff.)

So, last Thursday was Tiff's birthday, and one of her other friends was hosting a dinner party on Friday. We'll call this other friend "The Hostess". Friday morning, I called The Hostess and asked her if there was anything she needed me to bring. She listed off a few items, no big deal, and then, almost as an after-thought, she said, "Oh, and can you bring a classy centerpiece as well?"


Me: "Um, could you be more specific?" Read: Have we ever met and do you realize that my idea of a classy centerpiece is an Oscar cake that always has the potential to come out looking like a penis?

Hostess: "Well, some type of centerpiece for the table. Maybe a hanging balloon chandelier? The colors are green and whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhite..."

Me: "Oh. Ok. Um. When you say 'hanging balloon chandelier'.....?" Read: Seriously, have we met?

Hostess: "You know, with fancy balloons."


Me: "Fancy balloons?" Read: Like the huge mylar ones shaped like animals?

Hostess: "Right, like the really metallic, shiny, fancy balloons."

By this time, I'm picturing the balloons that were in my senior prom photo backdrop.

Me: "And there is a color scheme? How fancy IS this dinner?" Read: Because seriously, if you're expecting me to wear a dress, you are sorely mistaken.

Hostess: "Yes, the colors are green and whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhite. Like a granny-smith-apple green."

Me: "Great. Ok. Sounds good." Read: All I heard was 'granny smith apple', so that's what you're getting.

At this point, I dialed Bone Senior in a panic and shouted at her, "WHAT THE HECK IS A HANGING BALLOON CHANDELIER!" and I felt much better when she'd never heard of one either.

She suggested that I get a wide vase and fill it with granny smith apples. And then my mind began to wander to a wonderous place. A wonderous place filled with green apples and marshmallows.

And that's exactly the kind of classy centerpiece The Hostess got. I wish I'd taken a picture of her face when I showed up with it. Actually, I wish I'd taken a picture of a LOT of her facial expressions aimed at me that night, but we'll get to that in a minute.

Back to the classy centerpiece. I told The Hostess that it was 'agriculture chic', and pointed out that it was, in fact, completely in line with the color scheme. But she didn't seem amused.

I went out to the back patio and proudly put my centerpiece at the center of the fancy table. I stood back to admire my work, then went back inside to await Tiff's arrival.

The beautiful table spread.

What's that? You don't see the classy centerpiece I made?

Can you see it now? No? Oh wait.

Maybe you can't see it because when I went inside, The Hostess went outside, and banished my centerpiece to the table that would be used for our dirty dishes.

I was not happy.

As the dinner preparations went on, I became even more unhappy. Particularly because everything that The Hostess asked me to help with, I didn't know how to do. Such as make whipping cream. (Shut up, I KNOW, ok?!) I thought all you had to do was whip it. When I asked The Hostess to confirm this and confessed to her that I'd never made whipped cream before, I swear her jaw hit the counter.

The blender and whipping cream were promptly taken away from me and given to someone more capable. And The Hostess gave me a new job.

"How about you go over there and keep an eye on the rice?" she politely asked. Note: the rice was cooking in a rice cooker.

"Ok, do I have to stir it or anything?" Read: I meant this as a serious question, because if I've never made whipped cream, what makes you think I've ever used a rice cooker?

"Nope, just keep an eye on it. It will shut off by itself when it's done, then you can just scoop it into this container."

"Um. Ok." Read: Just because I don't know how to make whipped cream, doesn't mean that I can't recognize a bullshit job when I'm given one.

Seriously? Keep an eye on this rice cooker that will shut itself off and you don't have to do anything except literally STAND HERE AND WATCH IT? I know that I don't know how to cook, but even I'm not dumb enough to think that watching a rice cooker is meaningful or helpful in any way.
So that's what I did. I literally watched the rice cooker.

And watched it some more.

Thank goodness Tiff showed up. Goodness knows what might have happened if I hadn't kept an eye on the rice. The whole night might have been ruined.

And she appreciated my center piece. And in all the group photos, I insisted on holding the center piece in front of me. Yes, I really did.

That's just what you get when you put me in charge of something "classy."


Janay said...

I'm surprised you didn't lead with "it's a center piece AND an appetizer!"

li'l mil said...

Maybe if you'd gotten those SUPER HUGE MEGA marshmallows...

Hey, it looked good on paper, right? I'm just relieved you didn't let that rice cooker overflow or burn or something tragic. But shame on The Hostess for missing such a magical opportunity to teach you clazzy new hostess-with-the-mostest skillz!

Mary Jane Smith said...

I love you more than life itself.

Bone Junior said...

I love you too, douchebag!

LecNessMonster said...

I have so many things to say.

One of which being, I wish there was a campfire or a chimenea at this party, upon which you could have roasted marshmallows and launched the ones caught a-flame towards the dinner table. (They'd stick on contact and continue to burn, like votive candles!) Followed by an announcement that your centerpiece was interactive.

Chances are, you wouldn't make it to the table and you would have probably had more than one casualty. Second degree burns, but all in good fun!

Thats what I wish, though. Maybe at MY dinner party. I'd even have those super swooshy fencing swords for roasting/launching.

Tarable said...

For the record - I consider myself to be somewhat knowledgeable in the kitchen and I do not know how to make whipped cream.

And balloons are totally out. Edible centerpieces are where it's at.

Heather said...

Did you happen to ask if she wanted the rice sprinkled over the centerpiece? Really, her directions need to be more clear.

Tiffany Sommer said...

It is classy and tastey too! Ive appreciated eating the apples and now hard marshmellows all weekend :). I loved it! Thanks Sarah!!!

andi said...

I'm surprised she didn't ask you to watch the paint dry while you were at it :) I loved your centerpiece....and you know at my house that would have been perfectly acceptable!

Mil said...

That is definitely a "classy" event, especially that "classy" picnic table. Really?

Josh and Gloriana said...

hahahahahaha- you are the best and so classy. Please make me a centerpiece like that. I am laughing out loud right now and josh is trying to study- i am bugging him so bad- but this post is just too good! xo

Jamie said...

haha! sarah you are just too hilarious for me! i'm trying to read this post to kyle and can't even breathe, let alone read!
I agree with you sista, the whole outside patio table shot the classy right out the window! how hilarious!
Ps. i can totally imagine you telling me this story in our cubicles or a walk to the gas station, those were some good days!