Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thank You Sir May I Have Another?

I had my first appointment with my new lady doctor today, and I have to say, I'm not sure I'll be going back to her.

First of all, the paper robe they gave me was more like a bolero, and I managed to rip the sleeves off at the seams from trying to pull it tighter around me. I tried to arrange myself somewhat gracefully, but by the time the doctor came in, my butt was sticking to the deli paper on the table and I looked a crazy mess with my torn paper bolero and bare butt hanging out.

She told me to put my hands behind my head for the breast exam, and then she said the words that immediately made me decide that I wasn't going back to her:

"Well! You have such small breasts! That's ok - it makes these exams so much easier!"

Really, lady? As if I need someone else confirming the fact that I got the concave end of the gene pool when it comes to boobs.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. Can you just...not? Thanks."

Which just confirmed my decision that instead of buying these:
I'm going to buy these:
Yep, I'm really doing it. In the near future. Stay tuned - Erin and I have already planned out the before & after pictures.


$teve said...

Absolutely ridiculous!!! Did you check for a real diploma...and make sure it wasn't just a certificate for placing 3rd in a Thursday night bowling league? Nobody talks about your Rockin' Tatas like that!!! She's completely outside her damn mind!!! Anyway, that's my two cents...

Josh and Gloriana said...

holy crap- that is ridiculous. what a freak! i wouldn't go back to her either- and you should make a formal complaint. if a male doctor had said that, it would be sexual harassment. dude!

hizznizzle said...

Wow mad people skills. As for $teve's comment about the diploma. This is why it is called "practicing medicine". They aren't necessarily good at. Dr.s are just practicing to get better. Sounds like this lady needs a little more practice.

Now on to the real issue here. Imagine me here with hands out palms up in scale formation.

Wheels? Tatas? Wheels? Tatas? Wheels? Tatas? Wheels? Tatas? Feel free to go make a sandwich this could take me some time.

LecNessMonster said...

Lady, you are BLIND if you can't see this woman had an enormous girl crush on you.

You've seen it a million times on Nick @ Nite. You know, Fred Savage says something really idiotic to Winnie about her annoyingly large teeth and mouth-breatherness... when he should have been confessing his undying love? Or when in Cable Guy, Lloyd Christmas tells Mary Swanson that he "desperately wants to make love to a schoolboy", when instead he should have said "you make me feel giddy like a school boy, I desperately want to make love to you" (or something like that).

To put a real life pespective on it, its like the time I went tumbling down the steps at the gym when the big muscley hot guy was following me because I was so dang nervous.

Lady Doctor meant to tell you that you have absolutely gorgeous tatas, and she quite enjoys legally fondling them.

And I'll bet you $10, she's sitting at home crying herself to sleep thinking "why did you say that? Stupid, you blew it! You're so stupid, stupid, stupid!".

So thats it, Lady. Stop stressing over it.

But if you do decide to move forward - I'll be there to hold your hand. Er, bra.