I Could Sell Anything to Anyone

The following is a word for word instant message conversation between myself and a good friend from derby. I promised her I wouldn't reveal her true name, so to protect her innocence, I'll just tell you that her skate name starts with a K and rhymes with shmid. She and her husband, Shmory, have been discussing purchasing a hedgehog, and she asked for my opinion. Which was her first mistake. And apparently she trusts me impeccably.

Shmid: Shmory and I were just talking about getting a baby hedgehog. I was looking at pics and they are so so cute!

Bone: They’re not so cute when they poop all over the place and stab you with their spines. Plus they smell really really bad.

Shmid: They do? Have you had one before? You know a lot about this. We have been doing some research

Bone: Yes I do know a lot about this because I used to own one. Her name was Dolly, after Dolly Parton. She wore little tennis shoes, and ran everywhere really fast all the time. But she smelled really bad and shredded everything up.

Shmid: Bummer, I have always wanted one. I love animals and I thought it would be a great addition to the family. We have been researching it for a month or so. We are concerned it may not get along with our dog though.

Bone: It will probably kill your dog. It killed my mouse, Whitney.

Shmid: What?!?!?! How does it kill?

Bone: With its claws and teeth.

Shmid: And you think it could kill my dog? Why?

Bone: You have a tiny dog. And the hedgehog goes for soft parts, like the throat and belly. They are SUPER territorial.

Shmid: OMG I haven't read/heard that. I read that they love to cuddle, need lots of attention, are very fragile and very friendly. Okay well you just made my mind up.

Bone: And, it not only killed Whitney, but then it ATE HER. And started to go after my other mouse, Eleanor.

Shmid: I'm not getting one if it's going to hurt or kill my dog

Bone: Dolly ripped one of Eleanor’s legs off.

Shmid: What?!?!?! Holy shit, that sounds evil!

Bone: Yeah, they're mean. I really think it would kill your dog.

Shmid: OMG, we haven't read that at all. My dog is my LIFE, so never mind. I'm glad I said something to you.

Bone: When I found them, Dolly had already killed and partially eaten Whitney, and she was CHEWING on Eleanor’s detached leg. And when I tried to get close to get the leg back, she totally snarled and growled at me. And hissed too.

Shmid: All we have read is that they are super friendly and cuddly! Your poor mice!

Bone: Where are you reading all this?? Because it all sounds INSANE and clearly these people don’t know what they’re talking about!

Shmid: On several different sites. And Shmory works with a guy that had one. He said his was super friendly! Did Eleanor live?

Bone: No, she bled to death after her leg got chewed off. It was horribly tragic.

Shmid: That’s so sad. Did you get rid of Dolly after that?

Bone: We were going to have her put down, but she got out and our neighbor whacked her with a broom and flattened her.

Shmid: OMG

Bone: We didn't even know what had happened to her until like a month later when our neighbor was talking about this rodent that came up on her porch. She freaked out because it had a BIRD in its mouth, like it had killed a bird and was eating it on her porch.

Shmid: Didn't you keep her in a cage?

Bone: Yeah but we let her walk around the house, which is how she got into the mouse cage in the first place. She climbed up there and massacred them.

Shmid: Damn it I wanted one so bad. You totally scared me out of it. I'm super glad I talked to you about it.

Bone: Hedgehogs are assholes, that's all I’m saying.

Shmid: Good to know. I will pre-approve all my pet purchases with you first. I just told Shmory we are NOT getting one cause it will kill our toy poodle and rip open her stomach and eat her. I just had no idea they were so mean!

Bone: You also didn’t know they hunted birds and killed things with their claws.

Bone: Also, none of what I just told you is true.

Bone: Except that I did have white mice named Eleanor and Whitney.

…..

Shmid: YOU’RE such an ASSHOLE!!!!

Bone: I know, right? But I really did have mice, I promise.