Thursday, May 13, 2010

Emergency Action Plan

Imagine a fifty-page document that lists every possible emergency- natural or otherwise - and then lists the appropriate actions to be taken during said emergency. It describes everything from severe storms to sabotage - sabotage! - and then outlines a detailed action plan. Every city is required to have one. This is called an Emergency Action Plan (EAP) and just may be one of the most interesting documents I've ever had the pleasure of reading, editing, and retyping. All fifty pages.

And by interesting I mean, seriously, do people have absolutely no common sense? I understand the need to have a comprehensive listing of emergency names, phone numbers, etc., but does it actually have to be written out that "if the dam fails, step number one is to get out of the way"? I'm not even kidding.

Apparently we need a handbook that spells out, if the dam bursts and the whole valley starts flooding, first and foremost, get out of the way. And this was written by official government people.

It was that little pearl of wisdom that inspired me to create my own emergency scenarios and procedures, and hide them in amongst the legitimate ones. I did this for a few reasons:

A) I was the one stuck retyping this stupid thing;

B) I was getting really bored just retyping it;

C) I wanted to see if the supervisors would even notice that I added anything when they looked over it, or if they would just pretend that they'd read it and give me the go-ahead to submit it to the state board. Then I'd have the perfect opportunity to shout, "I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T EVEN READ IT! IN YOUR FACE!" and I don't know what point that would prove, but I knew it would feel really really good.

So with the help of a few good friends, and some downright plagarism from the Zombie Identification Field Book, please to enjoy the following emergency scenarios that were embedded amongst the serious ones like landslide, earthquake, and nuclear warfare.

SCENARIO #4: Godzilla
Any ancient lizard type sea creature more than 3 meters in height stomps through a populated area. Godzillas or potential Godizillas that may attack large metropolitan areas should be reported.

Any Godzilla which may affect the US economy, Tokyo manufacturing of tiny phones, or the career of Mathew Broderick should be reported to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, X-files Department, Special Agent Moulder.

• Size (please keep in mind the 3 meter rule. Any godzilla (little g) under 3 meters is not considered a threat and will be marked as a tourist attraction)
• Possible cause (ie angry that ancient rites are being ignored)
• Probability of additional Godzillas
• Any other facts believed pertinent

NOTE: Use extra caution when approaching mating Godzillas; they are extremely temperamental during mating season and have been known to shout racial slurs at onlookers.

• Main streets littered with cars; cowering behind cars is NOT a solution
• Any location where Matthew Broderick might be
• Japan
• Your senses

Contact the Legion of Care for Misunderstood Sea Monsters for assistance.

SCENARIO #7: Invasion of Robot Army
Ten or more armed robots seen in formation within the City boundaries.

Construct several magnet sticky bombs. These are industrial size magnets imbedded in a sticky substance. Use a potato gun or other trajectory weapon to launch the magnet sticky bombs at several different robots. The magnets will draw the robots to each other and then bind them, rendering the robots immobile.

Use fire hoses to completely douse the robots with water. This will cause rusting, and in turn, a slow death.

SCENARIO #9: Zombie Apocalypse (Z-Day)
A widespread rise of zombies hostile to human life engages in a general assault on civilization. Victims of zombies become zombies themselves, causing the outbreak to become an exponentially growing crisis: the spreading "zombie plague" swamps normal military and law enforcement organizations, leading to the panicked collapse of civilian society until only isolated pockets of survivors remain, scavenging for food and supplies in a world reduced to a pre-industrial hostile wilderness.

Identify a zombie using the following criteria:

- Is the individual drooling a thick, gelatinous goo with no apparent concern about getting it on their shirt? Do not offer them a moist towelette. This is probably a zombie.

- Is the individual leaving a seemingly endless and chunky blood trail? If you find a blood trail, do not follow it. Often it will lead you to a zombie and rarely, candy.

- Is the individual carrying a torn-off limb in a manner that could only be described as casual? Before they rip your limbs off, run like hell.

- Does the individual continue moaning, even when it’s making those around them obviously uncomfortable? Zombies ignore numerous social norms, like not eating others.

- Is the individual trying to eat you? This is definitely a zombie. Hit with hammer, repeat as necessary.

By this time you're probably dying to know what happened when I actually submitted the EAP for final approval. Suffice it to say, yelling, "IN YOUR FACE!" actually does feel as good as I thought it would.