Tuesday, June 27, 2006


In honor of Gloriana's upcoming cross-country trip:

Dear Mr. President,

At the birth of our nation, the founding fathers sought to foster a land of freedom, integrity, justice, and most importantly, beauty. This country offers some of the most majestic and varied landscapes in the world, abundant with spacious skies and amber waves of grain.

However, there is one place where the grain is less than amber and the skies reek of dead, dead eyes. I don’t think I stand alone when I say that Nebraska is an eye-sore; a bruise on the apple of America, and it should be banned!

I believe a state should meet certain qualifications in order to be called one of “The Nifty Fifty”. First and foremost, a state should lend more to the scenery than corn, tobacco, and cows. Obviously, Nebraska is already out of the running in this category. What more persuasion is needed?

On more than one occasion, I have ventured in a cross-country drive, and much to my despair, it seems that there is just no way around Nebraska. My angst and desperation as I approach the state is so great that I pray for a tornado to come and suck my car up, then spit me out, hopefully clearing the state entirely. Unfortunately, this heavenly-by-comparison fantasy never comes to fruition, and I am forced to endure hours of monotonous scenery that is flatter than my chest. And, let's be frank, no one likes a flat chest. That’s how bad Nebraska is.

Mr. President, if we enforce a ban on Nebraska, citizens would never again suffer needlessly, and be driven to the brink of insanity by being forced to travel through this monstrosity. The best thing to come out of Nebraska has been basketball, and I think we can all agree that those boys would be of much better use in a setting that doesn’t so closely resemble my version of Hell. I urge you to consider banning Nebraska - the state who's greatest accomplishment is growing more corn than Kansas.

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