What a Great Deal

I knew it was going to be a good hump day when I snapped a picture of this sign on my way to work today.

Enough said.

They Used to Like Me

Over Memorial Day weekend, I flew to PA to spend some much needed time with the family. The family and Classic Diner. Turns out, my neice and nephew don't seem to like me as much when I'm not giving them Christmas presents. Please to enjoy.

This pretty much sums it up.

Her crying, and him scowling, with a tractor-trailer buffer between us.

This is the face I got whenever I asked him to share his food with me.



This is the face I got whenever I asked her if she loved me.

A Text I Sent Last Sunday

Dear Emily and Yanaj: I think you should know that your good friend, Bone Junior, has just eaten an entire jar of peanut butter with a spoon in less than 24 hours. This information will probably be useful when my autopsy reveals that my throat is clogged with peanut butter.

Emergency Action Plan

Imagine a fifty-page document that lists every possible emergency- natural or otherwise - and then lists the appropriate actions to be taken during said emergency. It describes everything from severe storms to sabotage - sabotage! - and then outlines a detailed action plan. Every city is required to have one. This is called an Emergency Action Plan (EAP) and just may be one of the most interesting documents I've ever had the pleasure of reading, editing, and retyping. All fifty pages.

And by interesting I mean, seriously, do people have absolutely no common sense? I understand the need to have a comprehensive listing of emergency names, phone numbers, etc., but does it actually have to be written out that "if the dam fails, step number one is to get out of the way"? I'm not even kidding.

Apparently we need a handbook that spells out, if the dam bursts and the whole valley starts flooding, first and foremost, get out of the way. And this was written by official government people.

It was that little pearl of wisdom that inspired me to create my own emergency scenarios and procedures, and hide them in amongst the legitimate ones. I did this for a few reasons:

A) I was the one stuck retyping this stupid thing;

B) I was getting really bored just retyping it;

C) I wanted to see if the supervisors would even notice that I added anything when they looked over it, or if they would just pretend that they'd read it and give me the go-ahead to submit it to the state board. Then I'd have the perfect opportunity to shout, "I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T EVEN READ IT! IN YOUR FACE!" and I don't know what point that would prove, but I knew it would feel really really good.

So with the help of a few good friends, and some downright plagarism from the Zombie Identification Field Book, please to enjoy the following emergency scenarios that were embedded amongst the serious ones like landslide, earthquake, and nuclear warfare.

SCENARIO #4: Godzilla
Any ancient lizard type sea creature more than 3 meters in height stomps through a populated area. Godzillas or potential Godizillas that may attack large metropolitan areas should be reported.

Any Godzilla which may affect the US economy, Tokyo manufacturing of tiny phones, or the career of Mathew Broderick should be reported to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, X-files Department, Special Agent Moulder.

ACTION
Determine:
• Size (please keep in mind the 3 meter rule. Any godzilla (little g) under 3 meters is not considered a threat and will be marked as a tourist attraction)
• Possible cause (ie angry that ancient rites are being ignored)
• Probability of additional Godzillas
• Any other facts believed pertinent

NOTE: Use extra caution when approaching mating Godzillas; they are extremely temperamental during mating season and have been known to shout racial slurs at onlookers.

Evacuate:
• Main streets littered with cars; cowering behind cars is NOT a solution
• Any location where Matthew Broderick might be
• Japan
• Your senses

Contact the Legion of Care for Misunderstood Sea Monsters for assistance.

SCENARIO #7: Invasion of Robot Army
Ten or more armed robots seen in formation within the City boundaries.

ACTION
Construct several magnet sticky bombs. These are industrial size magnets imbedded in a sticky substance. Use a potato gun or other trajectory weapon to launch the magnet sticky bombs at several different robots. The magnets will draw the robots to each other and then bind them, rendering the robots immobile.

Use fire hoses to completely douse the robots with water. This will cause rusting, and in turn, a slow death.

SCENARIO #9: Zombie Apocalypse (Z-Day)
A widespread rise of zombies hostile to human life engages in a general assault on civilization. Victims of zombies become zombies themselves, causing the outbreak to become an exponentially growing crisis: the spreading "zombie plague" swamps normal military and law enforcement organizations, leading to the panicked collapse of civilian society until only isolated pockets of survivors remain, scavenging for food and supplies in a world reduced to a pre-industrial hostile wilderness.

ACTION
Identify a zombie using the following criteria:

- Is the individual drooling a thick, gelatinous goo with no apparent concern about getting it on their shirt? Do not offer them a moist towelette. This is probably a zombie.

- Is the individual leaving a seemingly endless and chunky blood trail? If you find a blood trail, do not follow it. Often it will lead you to a zombie and rarely, candy.

- Is the individual carrying a torn-off limb in a manner that could only be described as casual? Before they rip your limbs off, run like hell.

- Does the individual continue moaning, even when it’s making those around them obviously uncomfortable? Zombies ignore numerous social norms, like not eating others.

- Is the individual trying to eat you? This is definitely a zombie. Hit with hammer, repeat as necessary.

----------------
By this time you're probably dying to know what happened when I actually submitted the EAP for final approval. Suffice it to say, yelling, "IN YOUR FACE!" actually does feel as good as I thought it would.

Never Google Your Symptoms

Bone Junior: So, I've been getting really bad night sweats. I wake up every couple hours, completely drenched in sweat, but shivering and shaking because I'm so cold. One time, there was so much sweat between my boobs that I thought I'd just drooled on myself. A lot.

Yanaj: HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Bone Junior: It's not funny! I just Googled my symptoms, and I'm either starting menopause, or being haunted.

Yanaj: Can you put on a helmet and then involuntarily slide across your kitchen floor?

Bone Junior: No, but it might have something to do with the creepy clown doll that's propped up in the corner of my room.

Seriously, I've learned to never Google my symptoms, because now I'm convinced that even my ovaries have given up on me ever getting married and having lots of sex and babies.

Whoring It Up Juneyuh Style

Last weekend commenced the celebration of my 28th birthday. My actual birthday was on Easter, but who can compete with Jesus? Plus that's the day the Eagles traded McNabb, so that date is forever marred.

This year, we stuck with tradition (and by "tradition", I mean "the same thing we did last year") and got a big group together for dinner at PF Changs. The invitation specified black tie attire. Translation: whore it up. And whore it up we did indeed.

The official invite.

My roomies and I visited one of the local beauty schools to get our makeup done, including fake eyelashes. The eyelashes were an adjustment - it took me awhile to not feel like a Muppet.

Desiree

Tiff

I promise I did not say to the girl, "Make me look as clownish as possible, with just a dash of tramp." In my defense, the white above my eyes did fade, as the girl promised.

Super hot roomies

Bone siblings

Awesomely awkward but still hot prom pose.

I know it looks like I have my hand on Tiff's leg but I promise I don't. That would be gay. Whereas sitting on my brother's lap is definitely not gay.

Three days of tanning to pull off this color definitely paid off because I turned the same color as my Guatemalan friend, Henefir.

Ryan and Adam looking uncomfortably semi-gay.

Me, Gina, and Gina's animal print bra.

Blake and Erin

Let me explain how important this photo is to my self-esteem. Blake is six feet tall. Adam is six feet tall. Normally when I stand between these two, we don't all fit in the frame because I'm so much shorter than them. But I was wearing five-inch heels, and Blake was sweet enough to take off her heels so that I kind of look the same height as her. She asked if I would take off my padded bra so that our boobs would look the same, but I wasn't willing to do that. Sorry Blake.

The highlight of the night was when my friend Rachel gave me an awesome present: a pack of moustaches for ladies - one for each day of the week. Please to enjoy.

The Porn Stache

The Milk Moustache

The I Can't Wear This Thing Because Pink Fuzzies Are Getting Up My Nose Stache

The Ryan Ripped Mine In Half Stache

The I Was Trying to Take a Picture of Me and Henefir But No One Told Me the Zoom Was All Up In My Business And Not In An Attractive Way Stache

The Don't Mess With Us Because Clearly We Are Bad Ass Staches

The We Enjoy the Finer Things in Life Staches

The Mega Colonel Sanders Stache and The I'm Trying to Piece Back Together the One Ryan Ripped in Half Stache

In all, it was a fantastic night. I laughed so hard that my face hurt, and I was thrilled that so many of my friends could be there, and definitely missed the ones who couldn't be there.

Happy Birthday Li'l Mil!

I cannot believe that my favorite nephew turns 3 today! When did he become a little boy and not just a baby? Nothing makes me smile more then when I call my sister, and Li'l Mil answers with, "HI SASHIE!!!"

But seriously, when did he start growing up??

Because I Can

I totally ripped off this idea from a blog Bone Senior showed to me. Enlarge picture for best results. Rinse and repeat.

Someone is Stealing My Good Karma

Dear Universe, aka, the Philadelphia Eagles:

Turning 28 and still being single didn't quite suck enough, so could you please smash my heart into a million little pieces and trade Donovan McNabb to the freaking Redskins on my birthday?

Thanks a lot,

Bone Jr.

I'm Starting to Feel Like They're Patronizing Me

Pretty much everyone who knows me knows that I don't cook. Nobody knows this better than Bone Senior and Yanaj. Bone Senior because she's my sister and every time I ask her for a recipe, she says what's the point because she knows I won't make it; and Yanaj because we lived together for years and she's seen me add my frustrated tears to more than one recipe attempt.

They both know that I'm completely inept at cooking, and that I don't want to put any effort whatsoever into my food preparation. They both know I'll go to bed hungry before actually making something more than a bowl of cereal. And yet they love me anyway, which is why I don't get mad when they send me recipes that have been tailored to my special needs.

It all started when Yanaj sent me the following email last week:

Bone Junior. This salat will make your head spin in the glory of it's ease and tasty-ness. Trust me. For your own sake. You need to make this. I've given you lots of very specific directions just to preemptively answer any questions but make no mistake, this is REALLY easy to make. I PROMISE. DO NOT BE SCARED BY THE NUMBER OF INGREDIENTS!!

Bread Salat:
Get a tough/crunchy baguette and cut it up into bite sized chunks. (you can even let the chunks sit out awhile or put them in a 250 degree oven for a few minutes to make them harder)
-1 package of cherry tomatoes (or something similiar) cut in half, dumped into the bowl
-1 package of mozerella balls (found near cream chese and ricotta cheese. In a tub w/ lots of liquid) cut in half, dumped into the bowl
-fresh basil chop up leaves, dumped into the bowl
-olive oil (nicer stuff is better, but anything will work)
-basalmic vinegar (if you want really fancy get white basalmic because it'll keep it from turning brown, but not AT ALL necessary)
Put all the ingredients in a large bowl. drizzle with a decent amount of olive oil and basalmic vinegar. Add a little salt and pepper and VOILA. An amazing dish that's actually pretty healthy.

It really takes like 3 minutes to put together once you have everything. EAT IT.

I got such a kick out of Yanaj's super specific instructions, down to where to find these items in the grocery store. I was so amused that I forwarded it to Bone Senior. Big mistake, because when I asked her for some recipe suggestions for a work party, I got the following email:

Chocolate Strawberry Angel Fondue Bites without the Fondue

1. Go to the store.
2. Buy an angel food cake (found in the bakery section, or maybe in the produce section.)
3. Buy strawberries (in the produce section)
4. Buy chocolate dip (in the produce section, usually next to the caramel dip for apples)
5. Buy toothpicks.
6. Go home.
7. Get a sharp knife.
8. Cut up angel food cake into bite-sized pieces and put them on a big plate or in a big bowl.
9. Rinse strawberries (the day you’ll be eating them; if you do it the night before they might get puckery) and put them on the other side of the angel food cake plate.
10. Put the chocolate dip into a small bowl so it doesn’t look store-bought. Put the small bowl in the middle of the plate with the angel food cake pieces and strawberries.
11. Put toothpicks in another, smaller bowl or cup to put next to the food.
12. Allow people to stab cake pieces and strawberries with toothpicks, dip them into the chocolate (NO DOUBLE DIPPING!) and eat them like fondue. Without the fondue.

Ok, I thought she made her point. But she felt the need to really drive it home :

Chocolate Chex Caramel Crunch

Ingredients:
1 box Chocolate Chex cereal (found in cereal aisle)
¾ c packed brown sugar (use ¼ c measuring cup; scoop brown sugar into cup and pack it tightly, add more sugar until it fills cup; do this 3 times)
6 Tbsp butter (it’s marked on the wrapper where to cut it)
3 Tbsp honey (run the measuring spoon under hot hot water first and it will help the honey slide out of the spoon easier)
¼ tsp baking soda
¼ c white chocolate chips

Non-food necessities:
Wax paper or parchment paper; foil might stick so I wouldn’t use that
LARGE microwavable bowl
Measuring cup
Measuring spoons
Wooden spoon
Microwave
Oven
Cookie sheet

1. Pour cereal into a large, microwavable bowl. Line cookie sheet with wax paper/parchment paper.
2. In another microwavable bowl: put brown sugar, butter and honey. Microwave uncovered for 1-2 mins, stirring after each minute, until melted and smooth (no butter or sugar clumps). Take out of microwave and stir in baking soda until it’s dissolved (which means you can’t see it anymore). Pour this mixture over the cereal in the large bowl and stir it all up until it’s evenly coated (don’t worry, it’s not an exact science. Just mix it up as well as you can.)
3. Microwave the cereal mixture for 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Take out of microwave and dump the cereal mixture onto the paper lined cookie sheet. Spread the cereal mixture out into one even layer. Let cool 10 mins and then break into bite-sized pieces. (Again, not an exact science, just break up the big clumps into smaller clumps with your fingers, no smashing necessary.)
4. Pour white chocolate chips into a small microwavable bowl. Microwave about 1 minute, until it stirs smooth (which means when you take it out of the microwave there will probably still be some chips visible but as you stir it up, they will melt. I’d start at 30 seconds and check it after that, then another 30, then 15, then so on. You just don’t want to burn it.)
5. Drizzle melted white chocolate over cereal pieces (this is REALLY easy if you just take a Ziploc baggie and spoon the melted chocolate into it, then cut off a bottom corner and squeeze it out of the cut corner. Or just use a spoon to drizzle. No biggie either way. It might be too much hassle to get the chocolate into the baggie.)


After all this trouble, I think I'm just going to bring Candy Soup to the work party. Which is, make a humongous ice cream sundae with a billion different types of candy toppings, let it melt, then indulge. Voila. Candy soup.

Another Gmail Chat Between Friends

Bone Junior: So can I tell you a secret and you promise not to judge me?

Yanaj: Of course, but remember, you already told me about [something super embarrassing that will never ever be repeated ever]

Bone Junior: I'm having a movie quote war with my dad and I'm totally cheating. I look every quote up on Google. I don't think he knows how to do that.

Yanaj: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is so many kinds of awesome that I can't even handle it.

Bone Junior: He's giving me quotes from movies like "Patton". Really, dad??

Yanaj: ohmygosh.

Bone Junior: Then he gave me one from a freaking RADIO show. What the hell, dad. How am I supposed to prove my movie quote superiority when he's giving me lines from RADIO SHOWS?

Yanaj: HAHAHAHAHAHHA and he hasn't figured out that there's NO WAY you should be getting these answers?

Bone Junior: Nope, because I always throw in some smart ass remark about how easy the quote was.

Yanaj: Wouldn't it be hilarious to discover that your dad knew all along, he was just letting you win to make you feel good ?

Bone Junior: Yanaj. He doesn't even know what Google is.

I Totally Ate This

"Do you ever wait and wait and wait to eat… and then suddenly you have a meeting and you have that feeling that you’ll know you’ll be sick if you don’t eat SOMETHING –but there is absolutely NO time to go get something? These casseroles work in a pinch. Really."

That's the email I got today from Chef Gina. You may remember Gina from the French Onion Cassarole recipe.

Cheddar Curd Crunch

Preheat oven to 350.

Ingredients:
1 handful of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips
1 blob of lowfat cottage cheese (any size curd will do)

Crunch up the Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips and place on plate. Lick orange chip crumbs off fingers. Top crunched chips with a blob of cottage cheese. Stir around on the plate, turn off the oven and scoot up to it, crack the door and warm your hands while eating this delicious delicacy.

**Chef's Note: These chips HAVE NO MSG! Seriously, this is like a “healthy” recipe now.

Christmas 2009 Photo Extravaganza

Remember how this one used to look like Benjamin Button? I think she's filled out quite nicely.

I gave pretty much the most awesome presents this year. Bone Senior got The Whiz.

Her hub got this magnificent t-shirt.
Li'l Mil got Cars. Lots and lots of Cars.

Oh, and also this little gem, cause I'm the coolest aunt ever.
And Nano got snotty crumbs all over me.