Monday, April 30, 2007

Weekend Review

In celebration of Jamie's 20th birthday today, and since apparently only 4 people have an opinion about my McBicep Verbal Vomit, please to enjoy a thrilling review of my weekend:

I was using the vacuum hose extension to vacuum my bathroom floor and I accidentally sucked up a tube of mascara. Who knew that there was enough suction to pull the mascara all the way through the hose and lodge it in the back? Twenty minutes and one screwdriver later, I got my mascara back.

I went shopping at TJ Maxx and found a really cute white hoodie for $4.99. It wasn't until I got home that I realized the hoodie said "Drama Queen" in big sparkly letters on the back. No wonder it was so cheap. Rather than making a trip back to the store, I decided to quit fighting it and embrace my inner tramp. Yes I'm wearing it at work today, along with some really trampy heels. White heels. With red toenail polish. Bright red. I just hope I don't have to go to the jobsite.

I also decided to quit fighting the white trash in me, and applied a huge Philadelphia Eagels decal to my back windshield. Its about two feet across, and its absolutely ghetto fabooluss.

I went for a drive up the canyon with Erin & Ryan yesterday, and went fishing for the first time since I was ten. And by "fishing" I mean "I cast a line out and caught some weeds, some bushes, and a branch."

In more exciting news, Bone Junior will be doing a one-time public appearance tomorrow night at the BYU / UVSC baseball game. I, along with my friend Heather, will be participating in the Dizzy Bat contest after the third inning for a chance to win fifty dollars. It has been a life long dream of ours, and I'd just like to be able to say "I found fifty dollars" and really mean it. So if you're in the vicinity, PLEASE come cheer for me because this is one of the most terrifying things I've ever done and I need all the support I can get.

The Rules has suggested that I wear the Batman costume for my performance tomorrow night. I suggested that I'd probably make wateh if I did that.

For those of you who are not in the vicinity (namely, those in Canada, Pennsylvania, California, Texas, Connecticut, Hawaii, etc.) Erin will be recording the spectacle for me to post. So fear not, you will all get a chance to see my big ace spinning around a baseball bat and running to third base, as it will probably be the ONLY time I get to third base this summer.

Ba-dum CHING!

Friday, April 27, 2007

A Juicier Post

"Wait...You did WHAT?!?!?"

This was the typical reaction I got when I told people that I asked McBicep if he knew about my blog. My favorite reaction was from JD & Steve. JD, who got light headed from the shock, and Steve who lovingly reminds JD to "just breathe".

I received the most frantic call of my life from my dear friend Leather in the Bullpen (pictured in the light blue beanie above), panting and desperate to know the outcome. Most people gasped and then stared at me with a deer in the headlights look, which I tried to tenderly capture for your viewing pleasure.

And now, for the shocking conclusion to the Bone Junior Cliffhanger 2007.

So I asked McBicep straight out if he knew about my blog, and our conversation went something like this:

Bone Junior: Do you know about my blog?

McB: No, why?

Bone Junior: Oh, no reason. I was just wondering. (Looking out window, extremely interested in passing cars and such).

McB: What's on there that you don't want me to see?

Bone Junior: Um, nothing! Really! I just post funny pictures and stuff, and sometimes I do funny movie reviews, but it's nothing....really......Are you going to look for it now?

McB: Yeah, maybe if I get bored.

Bone Junior: What if I ask you not to look for it?

McB: Then I'm definitely going to look for it. Especially if there's nothing on there that you don't want me to see, right?

Bone Junior: Well.......kind see............I used to have this really big crush on you and I couldn't even TALK to you or LOOK at you and one time I saw you in public and I hid behind my friend G because I was too scared to TALK to you and I never ever thought you'd look twice at me or talk to me or ANYTHING with me and you have no idea how hard it was for me to ask you out because until then I couldn't even LOOK at you and so thats why I blog about it, because I was so DEATHLY afraid of talking to you and then it got to the point where I just had to do SOMETHING about it or forget it, and so I just asked you out and you said yes and everyone was rooting for me and it was a big deal because I never thought it would happen and everyone thought it was funny because I never have a problem talking to guys or asking them out but with you it was SO HARD and I was SO SCARED and so thats why I blogged about you but don't worry, I didn't use your real name or anything, but I've had this fear that you've known about it all along, and I didn't tell you about it because I didn't want you to freak out or think I was a total girly girl.....

McB: ARE a girl, aren't you?

Bone Junior: Well yeah, but you know......And, I might have blogged a little about my frustration over not getting kissed, but you know, I understand why that hasn't happened so its not a big deal anymore.........and.............yeah. I guess that's about it. (Bites lower lip and finally listens to inner voice saying to SHUT UP!)

McB: (Cracking up) Is that all?

Bone Junior: Ok, I'm gonna go inside and cry now.

McB: Look, its not a big deal. And I promise not to look for your blog until you say its OK. But if you think about it, is there anything on there that I probably haven't already figured out? I mean, I wouldn't exactly say you have a subtle personality.

Bone Junior: You make a valid point. Now if you'll excuse me, I feel like I'm standing naked on a stage, so I'll see you later.

I don't know what came over me - I just got so nervous and had been keeping it bottled up for so long that I suddenly lost control of my syntax and verbally vomitted all over McBicep's front seat.

The bottom line is that McBicep claims to have NOT known about my blog, which made me make wateh a little, I was so relieved. Lit'rally.

Keep your fingers crossed that I hear from him when he gets back from California.

Monday, April 23, 2007

G-Lizzle and Special Sizzle: Prelude to a Juicier Post

Last Saturday, I went to the best concert I've ever been too. Yes, even better than the time my friend Jenny and I went to see My Chemical Romance, and Jenny made a shirt with iron-on letters that spelled out "My Chemical Romance" and we were in the first row of people and got so squished, sweaty and contorted that when we left, her tshirt said "My Chemica Roman".

Even better than that was G-Love and Special Sauce.

You can't tell, but I am in this picture, next to Yanaj. Another fine example of Tan By Association.

I screamed myself dry and coughy.

I love this man. I want to make something out of both of our skins.

You can't tell, but this bassist was bald with huge biceps. I liked him.
Finally, a picture where I'm not disappearing into the dark background.

In conclusion and as the promised prelude to a juicier post, please to enjoy a Sample Word Problem:

Perspective One: You're Bone Junior. You have a great date with McBicep, things are going well, and you mention the idea of visiting him in Detriot this summer. You've been dreading bringing it up because you're afraid his response won't be good...but he's all for it!Your heart leaps with the sudden surge of confidence, and you decide to forge ahead full-force and get to the bottom of a mystery that's been worrying you for months. In true Bone Junior fashion, you go balls out and ask him the question you thought you wouldn't ask until - or if - things got serious.

Perspective Two: You are Yanaj. Your roommate, Bone Junior, bursts into your room, sobbing and laughing at the same time. You know she's just come home from a date with McBicep, but she can't stop bawling - or is she laughing? - long enough to explain anything. Your only response is to pause The Lion King Nintento game and say, "I'm confuuuuuuuuuuuused."

Perspective Three: You are McBicep, and you ask Bone Junior out to dinner. You're leaving for California in a few days and won't have much other time to see her. On the drive home, you talk about her visiting you in Detriot, and then she drops an unexpected question upon you. She looks you square in the eyes and asks..."Do you know about my blog?"

To Be Continued...

Saturday, April 21, 2007

A Deadly Cure Without a Disease

In celebration of Yanaj's 24th birthday yesterday, I took my girls to the Blaze game. I've been dying to get to one of these games all season, and thanks to one of my subcontractors at work, we scored AMAZING seats.

None of the gals had been to an arena football game before, but I think they knew what they were in for when I forced them to buy foam fingers. I already had one, of course.

"Ylime, stick the finger up your nose. Just do it! It will be funny! Shut up, just do it! I promise it will be funny! No, of course I'm not going to put this on my blog! Now just do it!"

Yanaj really got into it...I love the trails around the tip of the finger, indicating major action and movement...
I know it looks like Elizabeth is just cheering, but actually the mascot was shooting gumdrops into the crowd and she was trying to catch them in her mouth.

This was taken at the exact moment that Ylime yelled,
"Slam dunk!"

This is the one that I liked. Any guesses why?

And this is how much I liked him.

We inadvertantly made friends with the mexican guy behind us. And by "made friends", I mean that when he asked me to take his picture, he said "Thank you", to which my response was, "No problem," to which his response was, "No, SPANK you!" to which my response was the finger. My foam finger, of course.

Tonight is the highly anticipated G-Love concert, and I. Cannot. Wait. I am SO excited. T-minus five hours and counting...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Send Your Pictures to Dear Old Captain Noah**...

So the sad reality of my dating life is that McBicep has yet to kiss me. The even sadder reality of my dating life is that McBicep leaves in about a week for a 3-month long internship in Detriot.

What makes me more sadder about this dating reality is having to come into work every Monday and respond to the prodding of the supers with a resounding, dejected sigh. No, I didn't get kissed this weekend. Again. No, I didn't even try to hold his hand. Again. Yes, I'm sure he's not gay. Yes, really, he's not gay. Because I know! Better luck next weekend.

I'm tired of having to tell everyone about my kissing failures - isn't it enough that McBicep is still calling me and taking me out? Isn't it enough that we've gone out every single weekend since January? Isn't it enough that he pays for everything? Isn't it enough that he laughs at my lame jokes and hangs out with my friends and is letting me have his piano for the summer?

The correct answer is yes, it should be enough. But try telling that to a bunch of construction workers who like to bust my balls every chance they get. I can't tell you how many rounds of "Gay / Not Gay" I've gone over the walky talkies with guys on the job site.

So I've decided to start lying to everyone just to get them off my back. My favorite lie comes courtesy of Hey Mikki You So Fine, who advised the following: "Tell them he took you out for a picnic, read you a poem about your hair, and then wrapped it around his massive manly finger and pulled you in..."

On the plus side, however, I will be the proud new babysitter of a 2002 red Camaro convertible in pristine condition that I am too terrified to even drive around the neighborhood out of fear of something happening to it and me losing my life. Yes folks, McBicep is entrusting me to keep an eye on his most prized posession while he's in Michigan. In other words, he gets free storage. Sigh.

But instead of debating the tits and tats of whether or not McBicep is simply taking advantage of my kindness, lets focus on the task at hand: creating the perfect goodie bag for his roadtrip. I was bouncing ideas off G, and all I could come up with was filling a cooler with trail mix, Diet Pepsi, apples, dried fruit and gum. Have I mentioned that McBicep eats like a caveman? And since I don't know how to cook chicken or burgers, mastodon wing is my only other option. Except that mastodon's don't even have wings. So there goes my last idea.

G's idea was for me to revert back to my previous fail-safe method that was supposed to get me kissed.

G: It would be great if you could make cinnamon rolls again and send him on his way full of delicious, cinnamony, chewy, frosting covered love.

Bone Junior: How would I package those for him to take?

G: I dont know - individually wrapped in Bone Junior and foil maybe?

You read correctly. G's idea was for me to wrap the cinnamon rolls in myself and send him on his way. It turned out to be a Freudian slip, but I like that idea - after all, who doesn't like a cinnamon roll wrapped in Bone Junior?

So this is where I need your help. A) Coming up with suitable and accordingly funny lies; and B) Ideas for McBicep's cross-country goodie bag. If no one responds, then shame on you all for making a mockery of my life, and I hereby tender my resignation as resident blogger.

**If anyone actually gets that reference, you have earned my eternal respect.

Friday, April 13, 2007

A Simple Question

Bone Junior: Hey Easter Bunny, can I ask you a question?

Easter Bunny: nods.

Bone Junior: Well you see, my friend McBicep and I are having this debate...well he's kind of my friend but kind of this guy I'm dating, and I've had a really huge crush on him for a long time now and I finally asked him out and now we're dating but not exclusively or anything, I mean, we haven't kissed yet and he's leaving for the summer to do an internship in Michigan, so I'm really hoping something happens before then, but if not then I guess it will be OK, anyway, he's really smart and he thinks he knows everything about everything, and we were talking about Easter and I made him an Easter basket full of his favorite candy, and I even put purple grass in there so he would think of me, and he was like "Does it come in different colors?" because he doesn't even know because his family never did baskets and stuff when he was growing up, and then he was all "Oh, have fun worshipping a bunny that lays eggs" and I was all, "The Easter bunny doesn't lay the eggs, he just paints them and hides them. No bunny can lay eggs. I have never heard that before. No bunny can lay eggs, except for that Cadbury bunny, and he only lays chocolate eggs," and he was all, "No way, the Easter bunny totally lays the eggs, which is why the whole holiday is ridiculous to begin with," and I was all, "The Easter bunny does not LAY THE EGGS! I have never ever heard that before!" and he was all, "Yes he does," and I was all, "Fine, well I'm going to see the Easter bunny tonight and I'm going to get an answer straight from the horse's mouth, and then you'll see that a bunny can't lay eggs," and he was all, "Fine, ask the Easter bunny," and I was all, "Fine, I will. You're not so smart, you know?" and then I left, so here I am, and I just have to know, do you lay the eggs or do you just paint them and hide them?"

Long pause.

Easter Bunny: Even I don't know that answer. Now could you please get off my lap? My leg is falling asleep.
In other news, I am now officially Aunt Bone Junior. Bone Senior delivered - au natural, I might add - a healthy baby boy on Thursday. 8 lbs 1 oz, 21 inches long, big lips, big feet, and lots of dark hair. Baby Bone has yet to be named...

Friday, April 06, 2007

Why My Birfdee was Da Bomb...Dot Com.

Thanks to my friends, I had an amazing birthday. It all started with a 6:00 am wake-up call from my dad doing his best Elvis impression & singing happy birthday. My response was to remind my dad of the time difference between the east coast and the almost west coast, and then rolled back over to spoon with Soft Elvis.

The day was filled with calls and visits from just about everyone I know. I got flowers, balloons, cards, and CANDY CANDY CANDY! The girls at work took me out to lunch, McBicep took me out to dinner, and the celebration continued until Thursday, when Erin picked me up for dinner. I got in the car and made wateh when G popped up in the back seat and scared the crap out of me - she told me she'd already gone back to California.

I was forced to wear a princess tiara, princess earrings, and a princess boa. Who knew such a thing existed. Then I was blindfolded and driven to my favorite restaurant, Ruby Tuesday, where my roomies met us to partake in the world's greatest croutons. Try them - they truly are amazing.
Erin & G gave me a boxed set of Elvis's DVDs, and Yanaj & Ylime got me tickets to see G-Love and Special Sauce!! I screamed with delight, as you can see.

Erin, Me, Yanaj, Ylime and G after dinner. Two things I love about this picture.
1. G's hand so casually in her pocket;
2. The fact that I look like I've smeared my face with deck stain compared to the fair whiteness of my companions.

After dinner, I came home to a full blown princess party, decorated entirely in purple. Complete with a personalized cake and crowns. Your eyes do not deceive - that's a picture of me, in a towel, being suprised by Yanaj bursting in the bathroom. I'm so thrilled that moment could be immortalized on a cake.

The rest of the night was spent making toasts to me and laughing until we made wateh. Please to enjoy some of my favorite pictures from the grand event.

Erin's Delta Airlines Flight Attendant Face.

Erin & G, and Henefir's purple arm and Hagrid hair. I love you Henefir!

Erin the amputee.
I'm laughing so hard that it looks like I'm about to unhinge my jaw and swallow something large.

G had been in town for a week, and I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard with her. Oh wait. Yes I can. It was the last time she was in town, over Thanksgiving last fall, when we tried our hands at espionage. That was also the first time G laid eyes on McBicep and I used her as a human shield. And just four short months later, I'm dating him. Whoda thunk.

In the subsequent months since Thanksgiving, I've probably talked to G the most about McBicep, only because she was one of the few to witness first-hand how I reacted to him. Also because we both work on Saturdays and have nothing to do other than talk to eachother online. She knows every detail of every everything when it comes to me and McBicep (as you may recall, she was the intended recipient of that fateful text message). And since she's a therapist in training, I take her advice very seriously, and in return, G and her California friends get to live vicariously through me. Apparently I'm very big in Old Sac.

It started as a joke when G told me that she keeps her single gal friends informed as the McBicep story unfolds. She said its like a club of girls all on the edge of their seats, white knuckled and dying to find out what happens next. I said that if there's a Living Vicariously Through Sarah club, then she's the president.

Then I busted out the puffy paints once more, and betrothed one final gift to G:

Thank you to everyone who made my birthday so much fun!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

24: The Year in Review

With the celebration of my 25th birthday today, I wanted to take a look back at the year that was 24. Journey with me as I chronologically and fondly revisit some of the blogging memories of yesteryear.

So long, 24! You were good to me. Definitely better than that lame tv show (gasp!) Join in the fun and vote for your favorite Bone Junior memory!

Remember when I suffered from impingement in my right shoulder...

... or there was the time I graduated from BYU. There was also that time before Bone Senior was pregnant and she looked exactly the same as that time when she was nine months pregnant.

...or the time I taped a strange piece of metal to my shirt and walked around all day, tapping it like a communicator from Star Trek...

...or when I mailed Samuel to my boss...

...or when I tried to be a helpful roommate by warning Yanaj of impending flying danger...

...and who can forget the time i cacked my butt on a rock while tubing down the river...

...or the time I became known as a merciless bird killer around the office...

...or when I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going to Graceland for Elvis Week, thus concluding my Graduation Tour '06...

...or the time I went slummin for about three weeks and had to start my car with a screwdriver..

...or that time I accidentally punched myself in the chin, displacing my jaw for approximately two weeks...

...then there was the time I got to announce to the world - in my own special, tactful way - that I was going to be an aunt...

...and the time I shamelessly exploited Yanaj for my own viewing pleasure...

...or the time I admitted to soiling myself at Disney World...

...or that time I stepped on my cape and broke my foot...

...and last but not least, that time when I overcame my biggest fear of
the year and asked out Huge Bald Guy With Biceps As Big As My Head.

So there you have it, kiddos. My 24th Year In Review. Vote now!